RelationshipsJAN 4, 2022

"This Is Why Dating Is Miserable": Guy Accuses Date Of Using Him For His Money After She Goes To The Bathroom And The Check Arrives

Ilona Baliūnaitė and Rokas Laurinavičius

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A woman has turned to TikTok to express her frustration with a man who took her on a date, ghosted her, and then accused her of using him financially.

In the clip that has since racked up over 1.5 million views, Nik explains that she met the guy through a dating app.

Everything seemed great at first but after their first night out, the man ghosted her. When he finally came back, Nik learned that he wasn't too psyched about seeing her again because she "excused [herself] when the check came for dinner and then also drinks."

Believing that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding, Nik shared their conversation with the caption "this is why dating is miserable."

After matching with a guy on a dating site, and "absolutely hitting it off," Nik went out with him for dinner and drinks

Image credits: __nikk1

But things took a weird turn right after it

Celebrity dating coach & relationship expert, keynote speaker, and author James Preece told Bored Panda that new beginnings are tricky.

"People naturally judge far too quickly," Preece said. "Quite often they look for reasons a person isn't right for them rather than for reasons why they are suited. This is because deep down they are nervous about getting into a new relationship. If they are secure in themselves and clear about what they want, then they can make much better choices."

UK's premier dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield agrees.

"A huge mistake that I see is where people make snap judgments to exclude someone who has great potential to be a good match too quickly, and equally where they decide that they are madly in love with someone who is not a good fit too fast as well," Mansfield, who won relationship expert of the year 2019 with Corporate Live Wire, explained. "The solution in all cases is to take your time before making a decision, unless you have a solid reason to make that decision."

Mansfield said that everything depends on the situation and how well those involved read it. "Someone in the middle of a messy divorce probably isn't going to make a great partner right now, this is a red flag not to ignore if you want something serious. It's good to know your non-negotiables, such as drug-taking, smoking, and flakiness, and to stay strong to your boundaries. This way you are protecting yourself from pain and disappointment later."

The good news is that James Preece reassured us rash decision-making is actually something we can fix. "I see this a lot with my dating coaching clients. I remind them that nobody is perfect, and we can all make mistakes," he said. "Until you know someone well, you are purely guessing that their behavior is a red flag. Maybe they are nervous, busy, or have other things going on in their lives. When you first start dating then you are not each other's priorities. So, it's important to look at the bigger picture. If problems reoccur then yes, it's probably a good idea to end things. However, if it's a one-off it may be more of an amber flag than a red one."

Eventually, the guy reappeared in her messages

Image credits: __nikk1

Image credits: __nikk1

Sadly, ghosting is a big part of today's dating. According to results from two 2018 studies, around 25 percent of people have experienced it at some point.

The rise of electronic communications and popular dating apps like Grindr, Tinder, and Bumble have seemingly made it easier not only to make but also to break quick connections with someone you just met.

Experts say that people ghost for all sorts of reasons. Here are just some of the many:

Fear. Fear of the unknown is hardwired into humans. Some may just decide to end it because they're scared of getting to know someone new or scared of the possibility of breaking up;
Conflict avoidance. Humans are instinctively social, and disrupting a social relationship of any sort, whether good or bad, can have an effect on our quality of life. As a result, people may feel more comfortable never seeing someone again rather than facing the potential conflict or resistance that can happen during a breakup;
Lack of consequences. If they've barely just met someone, they might feel like there isn't anything at stake since the two of them probably don't share any friends or much else in common. It may not seem like a big deal if they just walk away;
Self-care. If a relationship is having a negative effect on their quality of life, cutting off contact can sometimes seem like the only way to seek your own well-being without the fallout of a breakup or parting of way.

And said that he didn't appreciate her using him just for his money

Nik said he got the wrong impression

Image credits: __nikk1

Research shows even more nuance to the complex emotions behind being ghosted. Two studies from 2010 and 2011 suggest that a breakup like this can sting even physically, since ghosting (and rejection in general) results in similar brain activity associated with bodily pain.

Ghosting can also affect your self-esteem and negatively impact your current and future relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

So it's not surprising that in an age where the online world is a big part of starting and maintaining relationships, being ghosted by someone with whom you've kept up with closely through text or social media can make you feel alienated or isolated from your digital communities.

But he refused to change his mind

Image credits: __nikk1

"Don't take [ghosting] personally," Mansfield advised. "Try to move on and feel grateful instead of sad—that person isn't for you! Don't get hung up on the 'why'. You will drive yourself crazy. Use your energy and time exploring dating people who are into you and are not going to ghost you. Move on and keep going, don't allow it to put you off."

Here are some ways you can help yourself confront and accept your feelings about being ghosted:

Set boundaries. Is it just want a fling? Or are you interested in something more? Do you expect them to check in every day? Week? Month? Honesty and transparency can help you and the other person make sure neither of you cross any lines unknowingly;
Give the person a time limit. Haven't heard from them for a few weeks or months and are getting tired of waiting? Give them an ultimatum. For instance, you can send them a message asking them to call or text in the next week, or you'll assume whatever relationship you had is over. This can sound harsh, but it can give you closure and restore lost feelings of control and power;
Don't automatically blame yourself. You have no evidence or context for concluding why the other person left the relationship, so don't be too hard on yourself and cause yourself further emotional harm;
Don't 'treat' your feelings with substances. Don't numb the pain with drugs, alcohol, or other quick fixes. They are temporary, and you may find yourself confronting the difficult feelings later at a more inconvenient time, such as in your next relationship;
Spend time with friends or family. Seek the companionship of people whom you trust the most and with whom you share mutual feelings of love and respect. The warmth of positive, healthy relationships can put your ghosting situation into perspective;
Seek professional help. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist or counselor who can help you articulate the complex feelings you're having. They can also give you further coping strategies to make sure you come out the other side just as strong, if not stronger, than before.

In dating, as in many other aspects of life, be honest with yourself, trust your gut, and things will fall into place sooner or later.

"Treat people how you'd like to be treated," dating guru James Preece summarized the ordeal. "It's better to be honest and politely let someone down rather than simply vanishing. It might be hard, but at least it allows them the opportunity for some closure. If you ghost them then they'll always be wondering what they did wrong and hoping you might pop back up again one day."