As idiosyncratic as romantic couples and their relationships are, there are a few basic truths to dating and, eventually, engagement and marriage. Getting to know someone inside out takes time, energy, and commitment. Even then, you might never know your partner as much as you’d like to.
One Reddit user recently found himself in the unenviable position of having a long-term girlfriend lay down a marriage ultimatum, even though he’s still married on paper to his separated wife. The man took to Reddit to ask if he’s the jerk for not wanting to marry his GF, since he told her they’d never get married right from the start.
More info: Reddit
Guy cheated on wife of 15 years, they separated, but stayed married on paper so she could still get his benefits
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Guy and wife have a cordial relationship and the kids are well-adjusted, despite the upheaval
Image credits: Thomas Ward (not the actual photo)
Guy told wife she could get a divorce any time she wanted to remarry
Image credits: u/CauseBig1700
Meanwhile, guy has been in relationship with his GF for 5 years and gave her a diamond ring as a symbol of exclusivity
OP begins his story by telling the community that he and his wife had been married for 15 years when he cheated on her. They’ve since been separated for 7 years. Although she wanted a divorce, he persuaded her that they should stay married on paper so that she wouldn’t lose out on benefits like his insurance and pension.
He also told his wife that he was fully prepared to get divorced if she ever wanted to remarry. The couple has an amicable relationship, although OP confesses that she’s the love of his life and he regrets his infidelity every day.
OP’s problem comes in when he reveals that he’s been seeing his GF for five years and, despite him telling her from the very start that they would never get married, she’s now accusing him of wasting her life and has laid down a marriage ultimatum. OP adds that since getting the ring, she’s told him that he’s leading her on.
OP claims that he’s always been straight with his GF about not wanting to get married, but now he’s wondering if he’s the jerk for not divorcing his wife and getting remarried.
Image credits: TranStudios Photography & Video (not the actual photo)
GF has since accused guy of wasting her life and laid down a marriage ultimatum, despite guy saying from the start that marriage wasn’t ever going to be an option
Five years is a long time to be with someone and, while OP said right from the start that he didn’t plan on getting remarried, it’s understandable that his GF is looking for more from the relationship.
In her article for Brides, Meredith Lepore writes that, while responses are clearly varied, data supports that the average length of a relationship before marriage is between two and five years. What’s more, modern couples are waiting longer to get married than previous generations because they’re both busy building their careers.
"A successful marriage requires a lot of work, and it's like driving a car—you need two hands on the wheel. If one person stops driving, the car will veer off the road," says Rebecca Hendrix, a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist.
People are putting off marriage longer for economic reasons, too. Hendrix says that marriage is a big expense, and many find the economy unstable, their jobs not secure and are hesitant to spend savings or their parents' money on a big wedding.
Once a couple does decide to get married, however, it tends to result in higher rates of satisfaction than only living together. The Pew Research Center's 2019 study found that 80% of married adults said they feel closer to their spouse or partner than to any other adult, compared to just 55% of cohabitors.
Hendrix adds, "When two partners choose marriage, they are saying unconsciously, ‘We are on the same page about this relationship, want the same things, and will be there for each other when things get tough.'” This offers a measure of security, which allows each person to feel more emotionally safe and less worried about the possibility of the other partner leaving.
Realizing your romantic partner is dropping hints regarding getting engaged when you're not ready to propose is a tough scenario to navigate, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
"If you aren't ready, and your partner is ready, that's okay. That happens a lot. But it's your job to look inward, and do the work to find out what's going on. Ask yourself if you can imagine your life without them," explains dating coach Amy Nobile.
Nobile goes on to say that if the answer is, 'I can't imagine my life without this person, but I can get there', then fear is holding you back. She suggests diving deep, even though it's uncomfortable and finding out what's blocking you, because if you don't do it now, it'll hound you throughout the remainder of your life and the relationship.
What do you think of the situation OP finds himself in? Should he stay married to his wife, or take his relationship with his GF to the next level? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
Redditors had mixed reactions, with some of them siding with the guy and others with the GF
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
