Some would expect that the most challenging part of being a stepparent is integrating into stepchildren’s lives and building a connection with them. However, sometimes the adults who are caught in this dynamic cause the most issues, which prevents stepparents from providing the attention, love, and support that their stepchildren need during big changes in their lives.
Recently, this stepdad shared how his wife’s ex-husband tried ruining the bond he had with his stepson, even though he was absent for most of the kid’s life. The last straw for him was when the biological dad bailed on his son and lied about it, taking all the credit for his efforts while he stepped in, saving the day.
Sometimes the most complicated relationships in blended families are those of adults
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages / envato (not the actual photo)
Just like in this family, where the stepdad had difficulties dealing with the stepson's biological dad
Image credits: FabrikaPhoto / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: [deleted]
Studies suggest that 60 to 70% of stepfamilies fail
Just like the family in this story, 40% of households in the U.S. are blended. However, their success rate is disheartening. Stepfamily studies suggest that about 60 to 70% of marriages with children from previous relationships fail.
"A stepfamily is a fundamentally different structure, and it makes a different foundation for relationships than a first-time family," says psychologist Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. One of the differences that complicate such family dynamics is that stepparents don’t really have the same relationship with the children or parenting rights as the biological parents do.
Consequently, stepparents can struggle to adjust to the existing family culture and deal with the tension from biological parents. When it’s not clear what responsibilities or duties each person involved in a blended family carries, the whole situation can get even more complicated.
On top of that, if the stepparent and spouse’s ex can’t establish a cooperative or functioning relationship, the probability that the blended family will be successful further decreases.
The stepparent should respect the child’s love for the biological parent
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photos)
Stepparents who end up in sticky situations with ex-spouses should keep in mind that they aren’t a replacement for the child’s biological parent nor should they attempt to be one. "These children are not yours," says Derek Randel, parenting expert and certified stepfamily coach. He notes that no matter what the ex-partner has done, the stepparent should respect the child’s feelings towards them.
Similarly, they shouldn’t ask or demand the titles ‘mom’ or ‘dad.’ Instead, they should focus on being present and supportive of their stepchildren, which in turn makes them a loved and respected mentor who might earn such a name.
Experts also recommend against interfering with co-parenting discussions or decisions. "The ex didn't agree to co-parent with you and will likely feel ganged up on if you give unsolicited advice," explains Jenna Korf, a certified stepfamily foundation coach. "Exes who are still holding on to anger or hurt from the divorce can cause a world of pain for you and your spouse, so try to avoid inserting yourself into their discussions," she adds.
Even though it can be hard to resist butting in the parenting business, it’s important to do so, as the more understanding the stepparent is, the easier it will be for the whole family. If there are any significant concerns about the child, they should talk it out with the partner. "It is important for a stepparent to listen with empathy and kindness but not put down the parent to the child or allow the child to hear negative comments about their parent," says clinical psychologist JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.
Some readers told the stepdad that he's not in the wrong here and that he needs to leave
While others thought he was the jerk and shouldn't walk away so easily
Later, the stepdad posted an update
