Doctors Share 30 Times They Couldn't Believe How Dumb Adults Could Be

**I don't want my baby to get a vaccine because Jenny McCarthy's book says her son got Autism from the Thimerosal in his MMR vaccine.**

- Jenny McCarthy is a one time playboy model who wants to sell you her books.

- MMR is a live vaccine and does not contain Thimerosal.

- Thimerosal contains Ethylmercury which clears from your body in a ~10 days unlike methylmercury which stays for months and actually causes damage.

- Measles killed 135,000 people in the world ~~THIS~~ LAST YEAR

- Autism has a strong genetic component. If one identical twin has it, there is a 75% chance the other will as well.
~~with 75% of identical twins both having autism.~~

- Andrew Wakefield faked the research linking autism to MMR vaccine, lost his license to practice medicine, and made millions helping lawyers sue and selling books. He lives in a mansion in England.

I went to school for 11 years, spent 10,000 hours studying and just want to make sure your child stays healthy. Quit thinking your 5 minutes of internet research means anything, get over yourself, and vaccinate your damn baby.

Well it looks like she is about 30 days pregnant congrats!

How can she be pregnant she is only around her brother?

...well actually they don't follow the same moral code as you or I.

- veterinarian.

Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. He had one couple who couldn't get pregnant. Turns out they thought sleeping together literally meant sleeping in the same bed. Another couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say "THANK YOU!!!!!" and didn't need any more sessions.

Patient made an appointment and brought in his s**t in a box. He was concerned about the size of his turd, and if it's normal. All he got from the visit was, "Normal turd. Yes, it's pretty wide."

Turd box was set out with biohazard waste. Waste guy thought it was a misplaced package and put it on the front desk. Secretary got quite the surprise that day..

I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.

They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didnt like and every single medical decision we made. She was very very sick so her management was just as complicated.

She had several children and they all didnt like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor".

One of these stories being sitting down and explaining why you don't give gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving "salt water" to her.

Conversation with her son:

"Look she likes gatorade, she is drinking it so why cant you give it to her through her drip?"

We explain why.

Son frowns. "But its isotonic."

We explain again.

"Yes but gatorade has more electrolytes."

We explain again.

"Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Cant you give her something else closer to gatorade? That has electrolytes?"

Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.

Afterwards I told my fiance. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on youtube and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while.

Step mom is an ER nurse, she used to tell stories about her fun patients she had. My favorite was always this:

Severely drunk guy came in with signs of alcohol poisoning. They put a urethral catheter in him so he didn't p**s himself. He didn't quite understand what it was and why he had it in his d**k and kept on messing with it.

At one point he tried pulling it out and my step mom (she's not the very best at subtlety mind you) leans over and said in his ear: "If you pull that out now, your d**k will never work again". Well wouldn't you know it? He stopped trying to pull it out after that.

Im an ER doc and see this far too often with young and middle aged people with minor aches

Patient : I have some *insert pain in random joint/limb/back* since yesterday.

Me: Did you take any thing for the pain

Patient: no I didn't

Me: why

Heres where I get multiple equally stupid answers from people

A : I wanted to see a doctor first (why??????? These people have mild pain and are willing to wait for hours for no reason)

B: I don't know what to take (how does anyone from the age of 15 onwards not know about Tylenol/advil/generic OTC pain meds is beyond me )

C: I don't like taking pills (the f**k do you think I'm going to do, lay hands and make it better I'm not a f*****g paladin!!!

My sister (who is a new redditor and hope sees this) is a doctor and 25 years ago when she had her very very first patient out of residency and this patient refused to allow her to see her breasts (which were sore and needed a mammogram to check out a lump). So sister asks why and this girl who is about 30 and single said matter of factly "oh. That's lesbian. We can't do that. It's against the lord's wishes." She loves telling this story at the dinner table on family gatherings. Especially to our religious side.

I'm a paramedic and recently transported an idiot who self presented to the local hospital, who found he was having a heart attack (stemi) and needed him sent to a bigger hospital for treatment.

During my assessment I asked him how long he'd been having chest pain. On and off for twelve months, he tells me.

Any family history? (One of the biggest indicators). Oh, yes. Dad died of a heart attack. Brother died of a heart attack. Both of them first presentation, stone dead on the spot, no f*****g about.

So... you have a 12 month history of intermittent chest pain, and a family history of your closest male relatives spontaneously chucking hearties and dying, and you've never got it investigated. Further more, the only reason you came to the hospital tonight is because your family badgered you into it.

I told him he needed a solid kick in the a**e. To his credit, he agreed.

Not a doctor (yet) but an ER tec for ~2 years. Mom comes in with her baby plus two more older kids. Complains that the baby hasn't pooped in a while and wont stop crying. As I'm settling them in with one of the nurses, the baby is bawling, like opera singer lungs bawling. Suddenly mom whips out a white plastic shopping bag and sticks an end in the kids mouth, says "this is the only way she stops crying." Nurse and I share a look and immediately order and emergency x-ray on the kids stomach. Turns out she had ingested a good amount of these bags and it was blocking up in her stomach. Big deal, potentially life threatening. When we confront the mom about her baby feeding habits her only words of defense are "Well I checked all over the bag and I couldn't find anything that said 'non edible.'"
TLDR: Mom had been letting her baby teeth on plastic bags because she didn't know they weren't edible.

Medical Assistant to a cataract surgeon here.


If you f*****g sleep in your contact lenses long enough, they will fuse to your eyes and will need surgery to have them removed. Yes, you can go blind from this. For the love of God, don't sleep in your contact lenses.

So I'm ~~only~~ an EMT, but I want to weigh in here to this conversation.

I had to tell a patient with severe pneumonia (and the patient's family) that you don't get sick (i.e. catch a cold) by leaving your skin exposed. The family was vehemently debating me on the fact claiming that I had no idea what I was talking about because I'm not a doctor.

Attempting to explain to them the necessity for a foreign body to enter your system was the most preposterous thing to them.

Edit: I just want to say to everyone who flooded my inbox with wonderful sentiments regarding the work of EMTs and paramedics. That appreciation makes dealing with the seemingly inexorable chorus of professionals telling us (me) otherwise much easier.

There was a nursing student I had once who laughed loudly and exclaimed 'How can you possibly get an STD in your mouth?' ahh the innocence of youth.

I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a sever attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bedsheets etc.. and the big one NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agree to all of this.

Few weeks later I'm back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I'll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up he asked point blank:

"Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?"

"But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed" :/.

That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.

I'm really late to this one but maybe someone will get a kick out of it.

A few years ago, the subject of human anatomy came up between a friend and I. He went on this whole tangent about how all men have uteruses because his college professor said so. I don't know if his professor was trying to explain transmen and some wires got crossed or what. But I had to explain to this fully grown man that he did not, nor did any natural born male, have a uterus. I sent him diagrams and told him to google for himself if he didn't believe me. He said those were fake, "Professor so and so said!" I asked him where he thought his uterus was and he said "the same place yours is". When I countered with "oh you have a vagina?" He got quite angry and said men don't have vaginas. I explained that not having a vagina means not having a uterus. He laughed at me and said "okay, just go ahead and believe that." Why yes I will go ahead and believe anatomical facts 🙄.

We weren't really friends anymore after that, especially since I asked about 20 times wether or not he was joking.

I'm not a doctor but I suppose this is related, my mother (before she had kids) grew up not even knowing that you could breastfeed a baby. She was never told anything about what breasts were for, sex and even about homosexuality.

Her parents never talked about any topic that was considered taboo, my mother learnt about that once she had her first baby subsequently at 16.

My Dad's answer(I am not a doctor): My dad had to tell a patient that they were not pregnant. The patient was male.

My brother is a general practitioner in rural Tennessee. Enough said, right?

He says most of his patient visits go about like this:

MD "Well, person, you're pre diabetic, have high blood pressure, and are complaining about joint pain. Have you been exercising and cutting out sugar and carbs?"

Person "yeah I have, doc, but it doesn't seem to help. Do you have any better meds you could prescribe?"

MD "well, let's talk about your diet. How much water do you drink a day?"

Person "I don't like water, so I get extra ice in my sweet tea every day to make sure I get enough water."

MD (explains how that's not enough water by a long shot) "how much sweet tea are you drinking every day? Those can have a lot of sugar in them."

Person "well I get a large one from Hardee's/McDonalds/ wherever on my way to work with my breakfast, and another one on my way home for dinner. Then I have a glass or two when I get home."

MD "well, that's a lot of sugar. And a lot of fast food if you are eating it twice a day. What do you eat at home?"

Person "I don't like to cook so I usually don't eat anything but little Debbie snack cakes at home."

MD "those have a lot of sugar too..."

Person "I thought that all I had to do was cut out Mountain Dew! Now you're saying I can't eat my food or my snacks?! What are you suggesting I do? Eat salads for every meal?! Why can't you just up my meds?!".

Patient comes in at 2am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can't sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the c*****e. "But doctor, I LOVE c*****e." K.