Family events are meant to bring people together. Whether it’s a birthday celebration, an engagement party or Christmas dinner, spending time with your loved ones can be absolutely priceless. But if you’re constantly excluded from these gatherings, it might be hard not to take it personally.
One woman reached out to Reddit for advice after months of being unable to attend her fiancé’s family events. Somehow, her soon-to-be mother-in-law found a way to schedule all of these occasions when she had to be at work. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as some of the advice readers left the author.
This woman hasn’t been able to make it to any of her fiancé’s family’s events for months
Image credits: Alexander Dummer/Pexels (not the actual photo)
So she finally decided that if her fiancé’s mom doesn’t want her there, she’ll stop trying to attend at all
Image credits: Anna Tarazevich/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: South_Olive291
Three quarters of couples admit that they've had issues with an in-law
Image credits: Tristan Le/Pexels (not the actual photo)
You don’t have to be a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law to know that there’s often beef within these relationships. It’s such a common trope in films and television shows that it’s almost expected for these two women to not get along. But there’s a reason why mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are portrayed this way.
According to research from psychologist Terri Apter, 60% of married women admit that the relationship they have with their female in-law has caused them long-term stress and unhappiness. Meanwhile, three quarters of couples report that they’ve had issues with an in-law, but only 15% of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships are considered tense. Clearly, the women are at the head of most of these conflicts.
So where do these issues come from? It’s not fair to blame either party 100% of the time, but in this particular situation, it sounds like the mother is the instigator. And having a toxic mother-in-law can take a huge toll on relationships and your mental health.
Marriage.com notes that this can cause emotional stress, put a strain on a person’s relationships, decrease their confidence, cause anxiety and tension, and even cause isolation. It’s important to be able to spot the signs of a toxic mother-in-law, so you can learn how to navigate the relationship appropriately.
Some examples include a mom who tries to one-up everything you say, has no regard for your feelings, or is entirely self-involved. Some toxic mother-in-laws might also try to get involved in your marriage, make you feel inferior, criticize everything you do, ignore boundaries, and make everything more challenging than necessary.
These kinds of mother-in-laws might secretly harbor jealousy, hold grudges, or they might just live for drama. But regardless of what her reasoning is for being unwelcoming, her daughter-in-law will have to learn how to deal with her.
Setting boundaries with a toxic mother-in-law is often necessary
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Thankfully, ChoosingTherapy has some tips for how to deal with a toxic mother-in-law without losing your mind. First, they recommend communicating openly with your partner. Let him or her know how their mother is treating you, and try to help them understand your perspective.
At the same time, make sure you set realistic expectations. You’re probably not going to be able to avoid your mother-in-law for the rest of your life. Work on finding a solution that suits both you and your spouse.
Meanwhile, practice self-care. Don’t let this difficult relationship take a huge toll on your mental health. And try not to take anything your partner’s mother says or does personally. The truth is that she’s probably behaving that way because of something she’s struggling with internally. It’s unlikely that the reason she’s rude to you is because you actually did something wrong; she probably would have treated any daughter-in-law the same way.
Finally, ChoosingTherapy suggests setting boundaries with your spouse’s mom. She might not like it, but you may have to set clear rules about when she’s allowed to visit and how long she’s allowed to stay. You should never feel uncomfortable in your home or your marriage, no matter how hard your mother-in-law tries.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman made the right call by finally giving up on her fiancé’s family gatherings? Then, if you’re looking for another Bored Panda article discussing similar family drama, look no further than right here.
Readers took the author's side, assuring her that she was definitely excluded intentionally
