Probably all of us want to feel like we are beautiful to our significant others and we are loved for being ourselves. To feel loved, feel like we are enough and somebody’s favorite person is one of the most amazing feelings. It not only warms our hearts, but also gives confidence and brings at least a little bit of happiness.
But you know what can hurt? Hearing from our partners that we looked better before. One Reddit user shared her story after her fiancé stated that she looked better blonde and he wishes she would go back the way she looked when they met.
Nobody should say to a partner that if they looked different, they would get ‘much better treatment’
Image credits: Brian Lawson (not the actual photo)
This woman shares that during one conversation, her fiance brought up that he was more attracted to her when they first met as she was blonde
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
He also added that if she was blonde again he would be more affectionate, would take her on dates and basically wanted her to be a ‘trophy wife’
She shared that she feels like her trust has been broken and her insecurities about her appearance are coming out
Image credits: Blueeeeajysky
She turned to people online for advice on whether she should call off the wedding or compromise and go back to being blonde
A few days ago, a Reddit user shared her story to one of its communities, asking people for advice about whether she should compromise and bleach her hair or simply end her engagement after her fiancé brought up that he preferred when she was blonde. The post caught a lot of folks’ attention and collected over 3.6K upvotes and 1.7K comments.
The original poster (OP) starts her story by sharing that during one conversation, her fiancé, with whom she has been together for over 2 years, brought up that he was more attracted to her when they first met as she was blonde, with makeup, fake lashes and shaved everything. He also added that if she was blonde, it would be better for their sex life and he would be more affectionate.
To everyone’s surprise, he even pointed out that it would also give him confidence and he wants her to be a trophy wife. OP opened up that this whole conversation broke her trust and caused insecurities. After being asked why he even proposed to her, he answered that he loves how selfless she is and how she does everything for everyone. Talk about walking red flags…
Well, community members saw through it and shared with the woman that her fiancé is testing his control technique on her. “If he gets her to do this, there will always be another thing OP needs to do for things to get ‘better,’” one user wrote. “Your husband sees you as property and not a person. Yes, I’d end the relationship. If not, you’ll always feel insecure,” another noted.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
“Most people are aware that, over time, we all change. In fact, one hallmark of a strong relationship is a connection that moves from initial attraction to a sustained attachment,” Dr. Lee Baucom, Ph.D, the creator of the internet marriage program Save The Marriage, shared with Bored Panda. ”This is a case where that did not happen, pointing to deeper issues about the relationship itself.”
Speaking about potential consequences of one partner feeling pressured to change their appearance to meet the other's expectations, Dr. Baucom notes that part of an on-going, strong relationship is feeling supported and accepted by your partner. “When a part of ourselves is critiqued — even criticized — it usually leads to some sense of insecurity and doubt.”
He points out that when your partner is pressuring you to be different in some way, the underlying message is ‘who you are is not okay to me.’ “And in this case, it is about an image the partner is wanting, not about the OP. Some may say, ‘It is so superficial that the person should just do it.’ But if it is truly superficial, the partner would not be as critical.”
Finally, Dr. Baucom shared steps that couples can take to foster open and honest communication about preferences without causing any harm. “First, there is a need to assess: is the preference really significant? In this case, the partner is pushing for something that is not a growth point for the OP. In many ways, it feels to me that the partner is really caught up in a fantasy.”
Also, he emphasized that in order to spark passion (and jealousy from others), the partner is seeking a hair color change or something similar. Rather than anything that would actually strengthen the bond, that comes out as more egotistical and selfish. “There is plenty of room to talk about preferences in the relationship, communication patterns, growth in the relationship, and even levels of commitment. But what the partner pointed to does not fall within any of those.”
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
I believe many of us have heard of, seen, or read about but hopefully not experienced a relationship where one person is constantly criticized about their appearance. They are pressured by their partner to always look good, change this, do this, dress like that, etc. Let’s just say, sometimes love makes people blind and we think that it’s completely normal, but, well - it’s not.
Heart Your Body shared that maintaining a good relationship shouldn't necessitate modifying your appearance for your partner. Although they may have certain preferences in your looks, you always have the last say in whether and how to alter your appearance. Love in a healthy relationship is not dependent on how you look, and relationships that do so are unhealthy.
Now, do looks actually matter in a relationship and how important are they? Although appearances matter in relationships, PsychCentral argues that intimacy is not solely based on them.
The majority of people in romantic relationships do require some degree of physical attractiveness. However, "looks'' don't always relate to a person's physical attributes for many. People also find physical characteristics like posture, hygiene, and personal style to be attractive.
Although looks do matter in some capacity, the man mentioning her hair color 2 years into the relationship seemed out of place and many commenters saw it as a red flag. But what do you guys think about this situation? What is your suggestion to the woman in this situation? Share your thoughts below!
Community members had quite similar opinions - the woman should end her engagement
