“I've Become A Doormat”: Brother Oversteps Sister’s Boundaries, The Net Helps Her Open Her Eyes

Setting boundaries is important, but not always easy; especially when it comes to family. For some people, being strict with those of their kin often proves to be harder than it seems.

Take this redditor, for instance. After having addressed the ‘Entitled People’ subreddit, sharing the story of how her brother organized a pool party at her place without even asking first, the netizen came to a realization that she might have to work on setting boundaries with family members.

Scroll down for the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with the OP herself, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions.

Family relationships can be pretty difficult to navigate. Even when family members are close, it’s not only love and fondness that they experience, but dealing with obligations—among other things—too, which tends to be accompanied by a certain kind of guilt; when you haven’t visited your grandmother in three months, for instance, or haven’t called to check on your sister in a while, either.

The redditor admitted that her relationship with the family wasn’t always smooth sailing, as for roughly two decades she stayed in low contact with them. Unfortunately, minimizing or cutting contact with family members is arguably more common than you might think – the first national survey on family estrangement in the US, conducted by Cornell University, found that as much as 27% of people were suffering an estrangement at the time of the study.

Be that as it may, the redditor decided to give the relationship another go, as she wanted to be part of their family’s life as her parents were growing older and her nieces and nephews were growing up. But wanting to make up for the time lost due to low contact—arguably combined with worry over her brother’s mental health—made her, in her own words, “a complete doormat”.

In a recent interview with Bored Panda, the OP shared that when she first posted about the incident, she believed that it was mostly a funny story. “After all, my brother planned a family pool party at my house and didn't invite me. Who does that?

“Well, my brother did that and didn't really see it as a big deal. He believes he told me multiple times but he didn't. I saw it as my brother being my typical brother. Reddit saw it as me being a pushover to my entire family and not setting boundaries. Both are true. But it doesn't make my brother's behavior right.”

The redditor shared that the biggest issue with the entire situation was the fact that her sibling invited someone—his daughter's boyfriend—to her house and never considered asking her if that was okay. “The fact that he felt no issue having strangers come to my house and didn't understand why I would be bothered was incredible.

“I don't know why my brother felt it was okay to plan something at my house,” she continued. “When he lived with me, he would always ask if someone could come over. It's been two years since he moved out.”

The OP told Bored Panda that she lived on the west coast for 20 years – from having just graduated from college to her early 40s. “A year after I moved back to the east coast (and near my family), my brother got separated and eventually divorced. He moved in with me during that time as I had the room and he needed to save money. He has joint custody of his two daughters, who would be over part time. When he moved, he found a better paying job an hour away so he moved there. During the school year, he and his daughters spend one afternoon or overnight at my house a week as it would be hard to get to school on time. There is a set schedule and they know I'm busy so they don't bother me.”

One possible way of stopping things from escalating to a ‘doormat’ kind of situation is working on setting clear boundaries. While that might be easier said than done, it can arguably really help when dealing with complex relationships, be it with family, friends, or someone else.

The OP shared that upon returning to the east coast, she had set some boundaries with her family members. “When I moved back, I wanted my family to be comfortable in my home. At first, my parents would randomly stop by, and I put a stop to that pretty quickly. Now, they call me if they want to come over. Rarely, they will stop in to drop off a small gift they picked up for me but that doesn't bother me as much.

“Boundaries are important and I think they are hardest to enforce when it is with someone you care about, whether that be family or a close friend,” she added. “They typically start off as small issues and may not seem like it is worth making a big deal out of. But those small issues easily grow. And the small issues create a precedent that it is okay. It reinforces behavior that it's okay to break the rules.”

Defining boundaries as “a promise you make to yourself to take care of your own needs while interacting in your relationships,” licensed marriage and family therapist Angela Sitka pointed out that they can help feel more in control in a certain situation or more comfortable in a certain relationship.

“It really helps develop the kinds of relationships where you can enjoy people’s presence more and be present in the moment with them,” Sitka told TIME magazine. “A lot of us have these events where we see family—and we either don’t want to or can’t cut them off—so at least we can enjoy it a bit more if we feel in control of the situation.”

According to Sitka, boundaries are “a standard you’re setting to describe how you want to be treated—and you can respect that promise by taking action any time there's a violation and your well-being is at risk.” The redditor shared that the netizens’ response to her post made her re-evaluate the boundaries—or lack thereof—she has with her family members.

“The day after the pool party, I sent a group text to my family calling out that no one can just show up at my house anymore, including calling while in the car on the way over. And that inviting strangers was a huge issue,” the OP told Bored Panda. “My mom and sister both responded quickly saying they understood and would honor that. My brother never responded. A few days later, he sent a funny meme. And today he texted me asking if he could come over tomorrow with his daughters. Will that last? Who knows. But I will be trying.”