Being a good host means staying flexible for your guests if plans change. However, this doesn’t mean they get to dictate the terms for what your generosity should look like.
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A few days ago, Reddit user Poly_Olly_Oxen_Free made a post on r/EntitledParents about a particularly rude woman who recently visited his home. Even though the visit started off fairly relaxed over a shared dinner, the lady — who wasn’t invited by him directly, but came along with his friend — quickly began acting as if the place was hers, and revealed she didn’t plan to leave that night. Or the next.
This single mother thought she could just move her whole family into a stranger’s home without even asking
Image credits: korrawinj / Freepik (not the actual photo)
And she wasn’t ready to take no for an answer
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Poly_Olly_Oxen_Free
Why are some people so entitled?
In general, a person with a sense of entitlement has a self-absorbed view of the world and little regard for their impact on others. Taken to the extreme, a strong sense of entitlement may be part of a personality disorder (e.g., narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder).
It’s difficult to say what caused the mother to act that way. A number of factors can contribute to someone feeling like the world owes them, such as being spoiled as a child or having adults solve their problems and shield them from consequences.
“Entitlement can definitely be linked back to how you were brought up,” says psychologist Dr. Abby Medcalf. “Overly permissive parenting (where kids are rarely told ‘no’) or neglectful parenting (where children overcompensate by demanding attention as adults) are the two biggest culprits I see in my practice. There are also lots of societal messages here in the US. Too many kids are overly catered to and constantly told, ‘You’re special,’ or, ‘You deserve the best.’ While empowering, these messages can also backfire, creating unrealistic expectations. And don’t get me started on the ‘everyone gets a ribbon/trophy’ fiasco.”
Anxiety and low self-esteem can lead to entitlement as a mechanism someone uses to compensate and protect themselves from their underlying fears, insecurities, or feelings of inadequacy.
“Anxiety often stems from a fear of uncertainty or a perceived lack of control over life circumstances. Entitlement can emerge as a coping strategy to mitigate these feelings. By acting entitled, someone attempts to regain control or predictability in their lives,” adds Dr. Medcalf.
How to deal with entitled people?
According to Dr. Medcalf, author of Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy, dealing with someone else’s entitlement requires us to tap into our empathy and assertiveness:
- Set boundaries. Since entitled people push our boundaries, chasing their own needs, we need to be clear with them. This depends on who we are dealing with and the type of situation we’re getting involved in. For example, with friends, it can sound something like “I’d love to help you move, but I can only stay for two hours.” For family, “I know you’d like me to babysit every weekend, but I need my Saturdays for rest.”
- Use empathy supported by assertiveness. Acknowledging someone’s feelings can defuse tension, but it’s important not to give in to unreasonable demands. Think, “I see that you’re upset, and I want to help, but here’s what I can realistically do.”
- Reframe conversations. Entitlement comes from a person focusing solely on their personal needs. Reframing can help shift the center of attention. What we want to do in situations similar to the one our Redditor found himself in is encourage others to take personal responsibility. “I can’t lend you money again until the last loan is repaid.”
- Know when to (and be prepared to) walk away. Sometimes, our efforts won’t make a difference. Recognizing this can save us energy. If someone refuses to respect our boundaries after repeated attempts, it may be time to distance ourselves from them.
People who read the homeowner’s story were appalled by the woman’s sense of entitlement
