Getting cheated on sucks, but when they cheat on you with your friend, that hits twice as hard. 54% of Americans say they have been cheated on at some point in their lives, either physically or emotionally. The least anybody would expect in such a situation is an invitation to the couple's wedding.
Yet, that's exactly what happened to this woman. She recently shared a story about how her ex-boyfriend and best friend whom he cheated with asked her to attend their wedding. When family members started pressuring her to go, she decided to ask the Internet whether refusing the invitation was such a jerk move.
To better understand where that pressure might be coming from, Bored Panda contacted Lisa Brookes Kift, LMFT. She kindly agreed to tell us why someone would want their ex-girlfriend and ex-best friend to attend their wedding, and how people in a situation like the author's can establish boundaries.
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This woman got news from her ex-BF and ex-best friend that they're getting married
Image credits: RDNE Stock project/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Interestingly, they were very insistent on her attending, even when she refused
Image credits: Jeremy Wong/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Juan Pablo Serrano/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRA_cw997
It's hard to understand why the couple would want the author to attend their wedding
Image credits: Jeremy Wong/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Many people can't imagine having a friendly relationship with an ex, but it does happen quite often. 17% of Americans say they are friends with all their exes, and 35% claim they're friends with at least one of their former partners.
However, that all goes out of the window when the partner cheats on you. Infidelity is one of the most extreme cases of disrespect, so, it can be really hard – nearly impossible – to be on good terms with the person who did you so wrong.
Licensed therapist Lisa Brookes Kift tells Bored Panda it's hard to understand why the couple would extend such an invitation to the author. "It makes no sense unless there is a desire to inflict more pain," Kift points out.
"Or there is a profound lack of emotional intelligence around how this would make her feel, which is most likely," she adds. "If that were the case, perhaps guilt for their actions lies underneath this and they hoped somehow they could get some kind of closure for themselves for their harmful behavior. Regardless…ouch!"
How might one go about telling a firm "No" in such a situation? "People who are challenged with setting boundaries are often also people-pleasers, are conflict avoidant and are challenged in saying 'no,'" Kift says.
"But they also likely carry resentment inside for not speaking their truth. Because they have spent so long adapting to the wishes of others and not causing waves, it's hard for them to not acquiesce to pressure."
Kift explains that it's necessary to develop a stronger sense of self. People who have a hard time setting boundaries need to understand that being aggressive and being assertive are two different things. Go for assertive, not aggressive.
The couple may want to stop feeling guilty for what they did to the OP, but that's not how forgiveness works
Image credits: Marcelo Chagas/Pexels (not the actual photo)
When you hurt somebody - cheat on them, for example – there might be a lot of different emotions to deal with. Most cheaters feel shame and guilt and think that simply being sorry will make the victim of the cheating forgive them.
However, forgiveness is not possible without remorse. The cheaters need to arrive at a place where they admit to hurting the person and seek forgiveness for that. If they're saying 'Sorry' only because they want to shake off the feelings of guilt and shame, the path to reconciliation is less probable.
"[Guilt] often seems flat, emotionless, and is more focused on moving on and getting the 'punishment' over with," Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT, told Brides. In this case, the couple may push so hard for the OP to attend the wedding because that would signify that the OP forgives them.
So, what does true remorse look like? Apologizing often and being precise about what you're apologizing for. Seeking true forgiveness is about lessening the pain for the one who got cheated on, not about making the cheater feel better about themselves.
People pointed out this was about them not feeling guilty anymore, so the woman had no obligation to go to the wedding
