Separation from loved ones can alter brain chemistry, disrupt nervous system regulation, and impact long-term relationship patterns.
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Unfortunately, this Reddit user knows all about it, since his fiancée left him right before their wedding. No goodbye, no explanation, no closure. But after 16 years, she reemerged in his life just as unexpectedly as she had disappeared and asked him to meet.
Not sure what to make of all the emotions and thoughts he was experiencing, the man shared his story online and asked people to weigh in.
Abandonment can scar us for a very long time
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
And even when the wounds seem healed, they can be unexpectedly reopened
Image credits: anatoliycherkas / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRANdGhostingAdv
It's incredibly hard to know what to do in a situation like this
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / freepik (not the actual photo)
It's completely normal that our Redditor felt confused and didn't know what to do. Monica Vermani is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of trauma, stress, mood, and anxiety disorders, and the author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas Wellness. She says abandonment leaves many stuck in the why, seeking reasons and resolutions they cannot find.
"We often cycle through ... blame, shame, loneliness, and guilt. During such times, we seek closure, a comforting resolution to often-fraught disagreements, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, frayed nerves, hurt, and harm," Vermani explains.
"We suffer when we remain stuck in the why—ruminating over why a relationship ended, what we could or should have done differently, why bad things seem to happen to us—rather than focusing on our healing and growth."
We seek closure through apologies, deep conversations, and any means available to reduce the turmoil at the end of a relationship. We look to our former partner to give us what we need to move on. But someone with an avoidant attachment style may resist engaging with us.
"They may brush off, minimize, or belittle your desire to find closure. The relationship dynamics that lead to the disillusion of a friendship rarely heal themselves, and further contact often results in additional hurt feelings and misunderstanding," Vermani says.
While it is natural to seek a resolution to find a way out of the discomfort at the end of a relationship, according to the psychologist, we are more likely to find the closure and healing we want and need from within. Coming to this realization takes time. And when we do, meeting our ex can undo some of that effort.
"Problematic relationships are [often] fraught with unhealthy behaviors, like ghosting, breadcrumbing, ... or coercive control ... dynamics where re-engaging with a former partner or friend might cause us additional hurt and harm."
People did their best to offer encouragement and advice
Eventually, the man agreed to meet her
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
But it wasn't what he expected
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
And they didn't get back together
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRANdGhostingAdv
Should you get back with your ex?
A YouGov poll of more than 22,000 people found that one in five (21%) say they've broken up with someone and gotten back together more than once.
A slightly bigger share (23%) says they've done this once, while 47% claim it has never happened to them.
Couples therapist Idit Sharoni, LMFT, who also runs the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast, says, "It can be a good idea if the breakup was caused by external circumstances, like bad timing, long-distance, or life transitions."
However, big incompatibilities — like clashing visions about where you want to live or whether having kids is in the picture — may be harder to resolve.
Sharoni says asking yourself these five questions (whether on your own, with your ex, or with an unbiased friend or family member) can help you make an informed decision when deciding if you should get back together:
- Do we both understand what went wrong the first time?
- Do I miss the person or the past?
- Are we both equally committed to making this work?
- Is there evidence of change?
- What steps do we still need to take so we don’t fall into old habits?
It seems that our Redditor and his ex didn’t really entertain the possibility of giving it one more go. Hopefully, they can move on now.
