Co-parenting is no walk in the park. It can sometimes seem more like a boxing match, especially if one party feels the other isn't pulling their weight or is working against them. But at the end of the day, parents should find a way to do what's best for their kids.
One dad claims he's already done a lot to accommodate his ex and be there for their daughter. Their 50/50 custody arrangement means they take turns doing the school run. Now, the mom has started a new job 100 miles away, and she's unable to fulfill all of her parenting duties. She wants her ex to change his work arrangements so she can advance her own career, and he's flat-out refusing.
They were co-parenting well until his ex decided to take a job 100 miles away and commute to work
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)
Now, she expects him to change his work arrangements to suit her, and he's having none of it
Image credits: MorphoBio / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No-Stay8551
The dad of three then revealed some more details, including that he's had a vasectomy
Conflict between co-parents can be harmful to children... Here's how to cope, according to experts
Often, the biggest challenge when it comes to co-parenting is the relationship between the parents versus the rights of the child. This is especially true when the parents don’t get along well. But experts agree that conflict between co-parents can be harmful to children.
“Children often blame themselves for any conflict between parents,” says Jonathan Hoffenberg, the manager of the Parent and Child Enrichment Services (PACES) program at The Parent Centre.
“Children want to love and respect their parents and feel conflicted and anxious when one parent trash-talks the other,” he adds.
Besides the emotions of the adults, co-parenting faces practical challenges too. These include things like who has custody (care and contact), how children move between households, the financial aspects, and the logistical complications of a child living in multiple homes. Then, there’s managing the child’s education, school attendance, homework, etc.
NaKesha Ruegg is a Custody Queens attorney practicing family law. The mother of four also serves as the co-chair of the Riverside County Bar Association family law section. Ruegg says it’s important that co-parents find a way to manage the school calendar properly together.
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She adds that most schools send out regular parent notifications but these usually only go to one parent, unless you request otherwise. The expert suggests that each parent receives a copy of all communication directly from the school.
She adds that less contact between parents usually means less conflict in co-parenting contexts.
“It’s a good idea to use a calendaring app for tracking drop-offs, pick-ups, dates, and deadlines for kids’ busy schedules,” Ruegg advises. “There are several apps designed for co-parenting that are simple to use, and relatively inexpensive. The best thing is that everyone stays on the same page without having to call or text the other co-parent very often.”
Meanwhile, Hoffenberg says that it's never too late for warring co-parents to get back on the right track.
"Parents who work at co-parenting better, parents who communicate with their children about wanting to do better, parents who encourage good relationships between their children and the other parent can repair previous periods of conflict," he notes, adding that doing better can only benefit the child.
"Children can cope with change with support and can learn valuable lessons about the need to compromise and cooperate when they see their parents co-parenting well," Hoffenberg explains. "Children's self-esteem, self-worth, view of the other gender, views on relationships (values of marriage), ability to form lasting relationships (loyalty and honesty) and resilience are all impacted by how they grow up."
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