Getting into a relationship can be frightening, mostly because of the unknown. How is it going to pan out? Are you going to get hurt? What things are they hiding? So much anxiety and heartbreak could be spared if we could have just a 30-second trailer before meeting or getting romantically involved with someone.
Luckily for redditor ThrowRA-ex-note, she received a similar insight in the form of a note. She found it in a cupboard left by her boyfriend’s ex, telling her to run away from him. Such a discovery led her to rethink her relationship and realize that it wasn’t as wonderful as she once thought.
In new relationships, it can be hard to truly know the person you're getting involved with
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Luckily, this woman received a warning from her boyfriend's ex, telling her to run away
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Trying to intervene in an ex-partner's new relationship may backfire or cause danger to safety
Experts generally advise staying out of an ex-partner's relationship and giving oneself some space and time to cope and heal from the breakup. Even though the person was poorly treated by their ex, trying to intervene in their new relationship may backfire or cause danger to their safety.
Chances are that the new partner won’t believe in the warning, as there’s often no indication of abuse or toxic behavior at the beginning of a relationship. Consequently, they might start thinking that the person trying to caution them has a hidden agenda, and they’re just trying to break them up out of jealousy.
“Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize,” says licensed marriage and family therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford. “It can be subtle, covert, and manipulative. It chips away at the victim’s self-esteem, and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality. It is a vicious cycle that many, unfortunately, never escape.”
It’s also possible that the ex-partner got ahead and convinced their current partner that relationship issues weren’t their fault, telling them how difficult it was to live with their former partner and how they had ‘mental health problems.’
“True narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic personality types can be difficult to detect initially. They can be charismatic and engaging beyond reproach, fooling even the most astute among us,” says psychotherapist Louis Laves-Webb.
"Self-discovery is often the best form of discovery"
Since it can be hard to warn an ex-partner's new significant other about their toxic behavior in the early stages of the relationship, psychoanalytic counselor Lyn Reed says that "self-discovery is often the best form of discovery," as painful as it might be.
“If, as individuals, we are unfortunate enough to experience abuse or live in fear of it happening to us, professional therapy can help build inner strength to deal with our fears and worries. Effective therapy – which is objective, non-judgemental and supportive - will empower those who are abused to learn how to identify the patterns of behaviour in our lives which are harming us and make the changes which are in our power to make – ending the abuse for good.”
However, there are times when it might be worth reaching out to an ex-partner's new love interest and issuing a warning. These include if they have an addiction, a prison or abuse record, or are serial cheaters. Such behavior is very likely to reoccur, Reed says. “In my experience, abusers don’t tend to change and they are often very good at hiding their abuse. Behind closed doors, abuse may already be happening, but the new partner may feel they have to hide it through shame, guilt, fear.”
Therefore, cautioning them about it can help them to escape and provide the support they need. “Those who feel a need to tell their ex’s new partner about their fears of abuse, could befriend the new partner so that when the abuse starts the person who is being abused has someone who can provide them with support,” Reed explained.
Readers were counting the boyfriend's red flags in the comments
In the last update, the author concluded the story
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Readers were happy the author received such support from 'Natalia'
