Becoming a surrogate for your family or friends is one of the most kind and noble things anyone can do for another person. However, this comes with a lot of pressure. You might find that the intended parents are so eager to meet their baby that they try to control every aspect of the surrogate’s life.
Redditor u/constellationlist went viral online after turning to the r/AITAH community for advice. She explained why she refused her brother-in-law and his wife’s demands to do an unmedicated water birth, but wondered if she was a jerk for enforcing her boundaries. Read on for the full story and the reactions it got.
Bored Panda got in touch with the author of the viral story, and she was kind enough to shed some light on some of the biggest challenges of surrogacy. Scroll down for our interview with u/constellationlist.
Surrogacy can get very complicated if the mom and intended parents aren't on the same page
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
A surrogate turned to the internet for advice after sharing how controlling her brother-in-law and his wife had become. She pushed back
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Amina Filkin (not the actual photo)
Image source: constellationlist
"I was naive going into this, but it’s definitely been an eye-opener for me"
Image credits: Hannah Barata (not the actual photo)
The author told Bored Panda via Reddit that she had no idea that her post would get so much attention online. “It was quite a shock to see,” u/constellationlist said.
The online community was incredibly supportive after the story was posted. “Many people have given me great advice that will definitely help. I’m really thankful for everyone who gave me advice and suggestions, especially those who made me feel better about my situation,” she shared.
We asked the author about the surrogacy process and some of the challenges she faced. “It was rather difficult at some points, although that might have been because of who the impending parents are,” u/constellationlist opened up to Bored Panda.
“I would suggest to anyone considering surrogacy to get to know the people you’re being a surrogate for. Learn what kind of people they are before you commit to such a hard thing. And most of all, have a contract. I was stupid enough not to have one, and I have many regrets. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
The author revealed that this pregnancy has been more taxing on her body than her previous ones. “I was naive going into this, but it’s definitely been an eye-opener for me. If you want to do surrogacy, do all the research you can and make sure this is what you want,” she urged anyone considering becoming a surrogate in the future.
Redditor u/constellationlist also had some words of wisdom to share with expecting moms who feel overwhelmed and scared of giving birth. “Have someone with you who you trust and who is supportive. If you have something that soothes you, use it, it will help,” she said.
“I won’t lie, it will hurt, but I promise you that it will be so worth it when you meet your little one. You can do it.”
It's important to avoid as much stress as possible before birth
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
The main questions are all to do with control, boundaries, and trust. It’s understandable that the intended parents have a lot of expectations. They want their baby to be healthy, so they’re worried about their surrogate’s diet. They have a specific idea about the birth, so they bring it up as a possibility.
However, if it’s done untactfully and in a controlling manner, it can introduce a lot of unnecessary pressure into the surrogate’s life. The fact of the matter is that someone who has been pregnant four times knows her body. She knows what to eat and what to avoid. She knows how to give birth in a way that’s comfortable for her. The intended parents need to trust her. And that means letting go of the desire for control.
The important thing is that there’s a baby coming, not the specific details of the birth itself. Similarly, it’s the fact that it’s the baby’s health that should be the focus, not following a super strict list of supplements. Everyone has the same goal—bringing a healthy, happy baby into this world—even though their methods might be different.
Unless you’ve signed an incredibly detailed surrogacy contract that lists every expectation and requirement, you’re free to enforce your boundaries as you wish. You should not be forced to do anything against your will. If you’re uncomfortable with something, there’s nothing wrong with speaking up.
If the intended parents have an issue with this, they may need to sit down and consider whether their expectations for the entire surrogacy process are realistic. The fact is, life is rarely ever like we dream it to be. There’s a need to constantly adapt and be flexible.
The intended parents will appreciate being a part of the pregnancy, but it's up to the surrogate how involved she wants them to be
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
The ‘American Surrogacy' website urges surrogates to regularly check in with their OBGYN. It’s up to them whether they invite the intended parents to these appointments or send them a quick update after they happen. This sort of inclusion is a nice way to make the intended parents feel like they’re a part of the process, and that everything’s actually real.
Meanwhile, surrogates are encouraged to get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, take their vitamins and minerals, and eat a healthy diet with lots of protein, fruit, and veggies. It’s essential to exercise regularly, but it’s also vital to take good care of your emotional health. That means reducing all sources of stress, as cortisol levels can affect the baby.
The intended parents might also be grateful if you keep a surrogacy or pregnancy journal for them. At the end of the day, though, how much you involve the intended parents comes down to what you feel comfortable with. If you’re unsure of anything, your surrogacy specialist can always offer a fresh perspective.
It's vital that every mom does what she's most comfortable with, not what others pressure her to do
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
According to ‘Parents,’ moms that are over 35 years of age, have pregnancy complications, go into labor earlier than expected, are having more than one baby, or if the baby is breech, should not have a water birth.
There are various pros and cons of doing a water birth. They might shorten the labor time, ease pain, and reduce the need for any interventions.
That being said, complications can happen as well. Water births can lead to the baby getting pneumonia if its first bowel movements occur before birth and it inhales the contaminated amniotic fluid.
There’s also the risk of the umbilical cord tearing as the baby moves to the surface of the water. If the water birth is happening in the tub, the baby might get infected. The birthing parent might also catch an infection: the risk increases after their water has broken. And there is always the risk of a drowning or near-drowning situation if the baby spends too much time underwater.
Meanwhile, Healthline points out that it’s only the mom who can determine what’s best for her and the baby during birth. That includes whether or not to be (un)medicated during labor.
The author answered some people's questions in the comments after her post went viral
Here's how some readers reacted to everything
The internet stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the woman, showing their support. Here's their take on the tense situation
