One person’s dream can be another’s nightmare. Having a house with your own swimming pool (!) is a pipe dream for many people. Being able to swim laps whenever you want and laze around the water is just wonderful. However, for some individuals, water is associated with traumatic events in their past.
These experiences have affected them so deeply that they want to protect their loved ones from ever going anywhere near any bodies of water. One anonymous woman asked the internet for some advice after she decided to buy a house with a pool. This led to an argument with her mother-in-law, who had lost one of her children to drowning and never recovered from the ordeal. Now, the author’s looking for some impartial advice on whether she was wrong to want a pool in the first place.
We wanted to learn more about grief, healing from the loss of a loved one, and moving past fear. Natasha-Rae Adams, a counselor and therapist registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) was kind enough to shed some light on the sensitive topic. Read on for the insights she shared with Bored Panda.
Losing a family member can make a person want to protect their remaining loved ones no matter what
Image credits: Jonathan Cutrer (Not the actual photo)
One woman asked for advice about a very delicate situation involving her mother-in-law who was set against her buying a house with a pool
Image credits: insidecreativehouse (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: FinancialStorage9412
There is no 'correct' way to grieve, but someone who is traumatized for years should consider seeking professional support
BACP registered counselor Adams told Bored Panda that there are lots of different models of grief. “The one that I use the most in therapy is the idea that life grows through and around grief and that feelings of grief will ebb and flow following the death of a loved one. Grief often isn’t an emotion that can be ‘solved’ or let go of, but one that evolves over time," she explained.
“I often see grief as a twin emotion for love and, therefore, it isn’t necessarily something that we should be so quick to want to be rid of. And recognizing that feelings of intense grief are often rooted in an equally intense love is important."
According to Adams, it's essential to consider the circumstances surrounding the loss. "Sudden loss can cause a different grieving process to an expected loss, although both are equally significant. Sudden loss can come with feelings such as: an inability to comprehend, shock, a loss of safety and security, and secondary losses such as financial or the loss of family-unit stability. Sudden loss disallows the survivors to incorporate the change into their lives, and this can shatter a reality that the mourner has been secure in," she told us.
The counselor noted that the initial step toward healing is to recognize how you feel after the loss of a loved one. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to feel after such an event, just as there is no single way to grieve. "It’s important to normalize any and all feelings that you are having. There is no correct manner in which to grieve. When you are ready, it is important to consider what you want your ongoing relationship with the deceased to look like.
Although they are not physically here, the mourner can connect with the deceased through meaningful activities, environments, music, or significant dates, to name a few.”
Adams told Bored Panda that the healing process can include learning about a shifted or new existential perspective. Part of this can be rediscovering what safety and security look like in a world without the deceased loved one.
"More generally, if the person is still traumatized from the event years or decades after the death, I would advocate seeking professional support in the form of a therapist or counselor. You can seek a trained and registered counselor or therapist who specializes in grief via www.bacp.co.uk. They will be able to help you process the event in a safe way and signpost any concerns regarding post-traumatic stress disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder."
Image credits: thommilkovic (Not the actual photo)
Safely exposing someone to their fears can slowly build their resilience and confidence
Bored Panda wanted to know what might be done in a situation where the loss of a loved one has made a person overly protective of everyone, to the point of constricting their behavior very much. "When sudden loss has involved an incident such as drowning, it is normal for grieving parties to develop phobias or anxiety surrounding water," Adams said.
"When working with phobias, such as this, exposure therapy can be useful. It is also important to recognize the difference between useful and un-useful reassurance seeking. Un-useful reassurance seeking is often obsessive in nature, and the need for reassurance can be constant, perpetrating a harmful cycle and never helping you feel safe long term. Useful reassurance seeking is recognizing what information will help you feel safer longer term. It focuses on empowerment. In this case, it may be taking a water-based first aid course," the counselor said.
"Under the guidance of a therapist, the person may wish to build an exposure therapy pyramid. Listing these activities from least to most feared. From here, it is about safely exposing them to these scenarios, building resilience. Part of this process is moving the focus away from an irrational attempt to prevent and towards a trust in your ability to problem solve or react. This can be incredibly important, especially if the person is harboring guilt regarding their sudden loss."
The BACP, with which Adams is registered, is the largest professional body for counselors and psychotherapists in the United Kingdom, with over 70,000 members. At the core of their mission is the belief that counseling changes lives. The organization aims to protect the public and help them find professional therapists they can trust. For more information, you can visit their website at www.bacp.co.uk.
One of the most impactful ways to reduce the risk of drowning is learning to swim well
‘Stop Drowning Now’ (SDN) urges everyone to learn the basics of swimming, as well as CPR. According to the organization, learning to swim in formal lessons reduces the risk of drowning by 88% for kids between the ages of 1 to 4.
Another thing that can reduce your chances of drowning is putting up isolation fences with self-closing and self-latching gates around backyard pools.
Meanwhile, parents should always closely supervise their children while swimming without any distractions. Furthermore, they should encourage their kids to wear life jackets around bodies of water if they’re weak(er) swimmers.
“Unintentional drowning is preventable. Learn more about drowning and prevention programs. It’s a challenge to avoid distractions, but children need the undivided attention of adults when they are near or in water. That text message can wait. So can that phone call, especially if it means saving a life!” SDN explains. Drowning can occur in as little as 20 to 60 seconds.
According to the organization, there are around 320k drowning deaths around the world each year, with 3.5k to 4k of these occurring in the United States. That’s around 10 drowning fatalities in the US every day.
Image credits: Kyle Glenn (Not the actual photo)
Swimming pools can be dangerous, which is why it's vital to have barriers around them, and for adults to supervise their kids
The highest rates of drawing are among children aged 1 to 4 years old, followed by kids aged 5 to 9. Men are twice as likely to die from drowning than women.
SDN notes that 23% of child drownings occur during family gatherings near a pool. 87% of drownings happen in home pools or hot tubs for kids younger than 5 years old.
Children between the ages of 5 and 17 are more likely to drown in natural bodies of water, like lakes or ponds.
The author of the viral post explained in detail that she and her husband had taught their children to swim well. Furthermore, the couple planned on installing safety features around the pool and prohibiting any of their kids from swimming without proper supervision.
However, that wasn’t enough for the woman to persuade her mother-in-law to be fine with their decision to buy the property with a pool. The older woman felt an overwhelming need to protect her family because she lost her daughter—the author’s husband’s sister. Unfortunately, we were unable to reach out to the author of the story for further comment because her account was suspended.
The author’s story went viral, getting over 11k upvotes and 3k comments. Many readers suggested that the mother-in-law start therapy in order to process what happened to her daughter and to heal from a lifetime of trauma.
It’s incredibly important to be empathetic and supportive of your loved ones. When a tragedy happens, people grieve differently.
And there’s no easy ‘moving on’ when a family member’s passing leaves a gaping void in your heart. However, it’s because of how much these events affect people so much that they should be willing to seek a professional counselor’s help.
Image credits: tommytop (Not the actual photo)
It's impossible to avoid all risks. It's one thing to be careful, but it's another thing entirely to live your entire life in fear
Objectively speaking, it would be wrong to ‘punish’ your entire family and forbid them from ever swimming because someone you care about drowned. This panicked, guarded reaction is one that nearly everyone can understand, yes. Terrible things happen every single day, yes, and we should be vigilant and prepared. However, despite all the potential for accidents, we cannot and should not live in constant fear. If we ignore all opportunities and pleasures and never take risks, it’s a subpar life that we live.
Not to sound overly harsh or too blunt, but if you give in to one fear, why not all of them? It’s not just swimming that’s dangerous. Driving is dangerous. Crossing the street can end in an accident. Eating can end up in you choking. Going on dates or to parties can end badly. Not wearing any sunscreen and being out in the sun too much can have some very nasty repercussions. And a piano can fall on your head at any moment.
Is the answer to all of these potential dangers to stay locked up in your home, never going out? Of course not! First of all, you’re not even safe in your own home (you can slip in the shower or hurt yourself in the kitchen). But more importantly, life is worth living courageously, which inevitably means taking some small risks from time to time.
That being said, you definitely do need to temper all of that recklessness with some common sense, wisdom, and calmness. If you know that a behavior is risky (swimming, driving, etc.), you should put in all the effort that you can to stay as safe as possible. Perfect safety is impossible (in any area of life), but you can minimize the risks.
Specifically in the case of swimming, this means first of all learning how to swim, staying fit and living a generally healthy lifestyle, never swimming when tired, knowing what to do in case of emergency, and not taking on any dumb challenges that go beyond your limits. You need to keep your ego in check.
It’s one thing to push your limits, but it’s another thing entirely to do something utterly dumb because someone bet you to do it. And it always helps if you don’t swim alone. Having someone capable either by your side or on the shore can save your life.
What would you have done if you were in the story author’s shoes, dear Pandas? Do you think the woman should feel ‘guilty’ about buying a house with a pool because of her mother-in-law’s reaction? How good are your swimming skills? Have you ever nearly drowned or saved someone else from drowning? It’s a very sensitive topic, but if you’re feeling up to it, share your experiences and opinions in the comments.
Many readers were very supportive of the author. Here's how they saw the situation in her family
Some internet users had very similar experiences of their own to share
