Since ancient times, when the institution of marriage itself appeared, confrontations between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have been common. Two women who often compete in literally every area of family life, from the way to properly fold socks in the wardrobe to methods of raising children.
The story we will tell you today, from the user u/Constant-Story-1575, is one such story. The tale of a grandmother who didn’t get along with her daughter-in-law and, as a result of this confrontation, transferred it to her grandkids. However, let's tell everything in order.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post is a mom of two adult sons, and both are married and have kids
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
From the very first days, the author didn't get along with the wife of one of her sons, and it grew into a full-fledged feud
Image credits: Constant-Story-1575
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The lady says her DIL always criticized her babysitting ways and ended up not showing up at her house at all
Image credits: Constant-Story-1575
Image credits: Aniket Sharma / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author then switched her attention to another son's family - especially since she was on great terms with his spouse
Image credits: Constant-Story-1575
The situation worsened recently when the author gifted her family necklace to one of the granddaughters and her "hostile" DIL accused her of "playing favorites"
So, the Original Poster (OP) in this story is a lady who has at least two adult sons, both married with kids. And if the author always had a wonderful relationship with one of the DILs, then the relationship with the second, "Amy," didn’t work out. You probably know how it happens.
The situation got even worse after the birth of children. Every time, according to the author, she tried to help her son's family with raising the kids - for example, with babysitting - it caused criticism from his wife. Usually, she said that the OP did everything differently than she or her own mother did.
As a result, Amy usually involved her mom in helping with the kids, and over time, she stopped going to the MIL's house at all. Our heroine says that her son tried to reconcile them, but over time he gave in - and usually came to visit his parents himself, without his family. So the author switched her attention to another son's kids - fortunately, the second DIL was always happy with her help.
So it turns out that a decade later, the OP barely knows her grandkids from one son, but gets along well with her other grandchildren. And recently, she gave her granddaughter a rather expensive family necklace for her 10th birthday. Upon learning of this, Amy got indignant and called her MIL, accusing her of playing favorites with her grandkids.
After all, according to the mom, her daughter is a year older than her cousin, and rightfully deserves this gift. In response, the OP said that yes, she’s playing favorites - but it’s only Amy's fault, and no one else's. After all, if she hadn’t distanced herself from her years ago, then she’d have had a chance to get to know her grandkids better and establish relationships with them.
The lady was absolutely sure that she was right, but her DIL wasn’t convinced by this argument. She called the author a jerk for doing so and literally demanded that her daughter receive a necklace. And the OP, according to her, is now literally tormented by doubts - did she act correctly in the described situation?
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, parental favoritism is more than widespread throughout the whole world. According to some studies, it occurs in around 65% of families. And in fact, favoritism affects not only childhood but also a person's entire life.
It can actually take many forms. "This could be by devoting more time, attention, praise, or affection," BBC quotes Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University. "Possibly asserting less control, so that they may enjoy fewer restrictions, be subject to less discipline or even punishment."
According to Baton Rouge Parents, favoritism in the long term can cause serious problems, such as anxiety, depression, and unstable and even traumatic reactions when the grown-up child builds their own relationships. By and large, many of our problems in communicating with relatives have their roots in childhood. So any manifestations of favoritism, even those described in our story, are already unhealthy.
"On the one hand, you can understand this woman, who decided to give a gift to the grandkid whom she knows best. And, in the end, it’s her necklace, so she has the right to do what she wants," says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. "On the other hand, it seems to me that there’s a lot left unsaid in this story."
"For example, the author doesn’t specify in what situations exactly she had conflicts with her DIL over babysitting. And, in the end, it’s the parents who determine which parenting style they have - and the grandmother, no matter what experience she has, must agree with this. So, it seems to me, if we knew the DIL’s version, we’d look at this spat differently," Irina concludes.
The opinions of the commenters were also very divided. Noting that the author has the right to dispose of her property at her own discretion, people also noted that there are many "empty spaces" in her story that could well have been filled in by her daughter-in-law.
According to some responders, by her actions, the OP herself is closing the way to mending fences with her grandchildren. "Now you won't get to bond with your other grandkids because you insulted their mother," someone aptly noted. And what do you, our dear readers, think about this case? Please feel free to share your points of view in the comments below.
People in the comments said that the author was free to give her property to anyone she liked, but the story, as they say, clearly needs the DIL's angle too
