Planning a wedding isn’t always easy, but it’s usually one of the most exciting times in a couple’s life. For this Redditor, though, that excitement took a hit when his fiancée dropped a bombshell on him ahead of their big day.
After four years together, she asked to open their relationship—something he had no interest in. The request left him stunned and hurt, and with his head spinning over what it meant for their future, he took to the internet to vent. Read the full story below.
After four years together, the man was excited to marry his fiancée
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But he was completely blindsided when, one day, she suggested they open their relationship
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Image credits: throwwawyRA2019
What to do if your partner suddenly suggests an open relationship, according to experts
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When you’ve been comfortably together with your partner for years and you’re on your way to get married, hearing them ask you for an open relationship can feel very much like snow in the middle of summer—completely unexpected and, for many people, utterly unwanted.
That kind of shock can also cut deep, especially if it lands as a breach of trust or a sign that you’re not on the same page anymore. Once it’s out in the open, the next step is figuring out what it means for you, and what you want to do with that information.
Experts have plenty of advice on how to handle that moment, and one of the first steps is taking an honest look at the relationship you already have. Polyamory expert Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D, notes that consensual nonmonogamy tends to work best when the relationship is already stable, because it requires a lot of negotiation and ongoing communication. When couples try to use it to repair existing damage, it often backfires.
“Given the complexity of negotiating and maintaining consensual nonmonogamous relationships, it is not a surprise that choosing [an open relationship] as a strategy to mend a damaged relationship generally does not end well,” Sheff told Brides.
If you’re willing to even entertain the idea, starting with an open mind can make it easier to think clearly about what’s being suggested, instead of reacting only from shock.
“Monogamous marriage is an age-old institution with religious underpinnings. This tradition is being contested and even redefined over time by society,” Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told Verywell Mind.
Research and surveys suggest that fantasies about nonmonogamy aren’t rare, even among people in monogamous relationships. Still, fantasies and real-life agreements are two different things, which is why clarity matters so much if this conversation is happening in your relationship.
To move past vague concepts and into something you can actually evaluate, Verywell Mind suggests asking direct questions to guide the discussion and get a clearer picture of what your partner thinks an open relationship would look like in practice. For example:
Why are they considering an open relationship? What are they looking for in this arrangement? What would the boundaries and rules around the arrangement be? Would you keep this part of your relationship public or private? And what would the potential impact on other people (such as your children, if you have any) be?
Once you reach a place where you’re comfortable moving forward, the next step is turning that clarity into specific agreements. That might mean deciding the pace, such as opening the relationship only once a year at first so both of you can see how it feels. You can also talk through whether one or both of you would see other people. If you don’t want to date anyone yourself but you’re okay with your partner doing so, that’s another structure couples sometimes choose.
Some people also prefer to approve each other’s external partners, agreeing to only see people both partners feel comfortable with. It’s also important to decide what’s off-limits. You might be okay with certain kinds of physical intimacy, but not okay with dates or ongoing emotional connections. The goal is to set boundaries that feel fair and workable for both of you.
Naturally, if you do not want an open relationship, that is completely fine. In that case, it’s important to say it plainly, because some people talk themselves into arrangements they never wanted simply because they’re afraid of losing someone they love. Most of the time, that only postpones the inevitable and makes the heartbreak hit harder later.
The truth is, if the person you love doesn’t share the same values as you do and clearly wants something you can’t accept, then they aren’t the right match for you, no matter how strong your feelings are. You deserve someone by your side who shares your need for monogamy, just as your partner deserves someone who is genuinely on board with an open relationship.
“Have the strength to say no to your partner and be firm where you stand,” de Llano said. “Above all, you must respect your needs, your boundaries, and your heart.”
In the replies, readers shared supportive messages and suggestions for what to do next
Later, the author returned with an update, revealing that he’d decided to call the wedding off for good
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Readers were happy to see him stick to that choice
