Growing up in a good home means you're pretty spoiled when you're sick. Food in bed, no chores, medicine at the sound of a cough — no one is as pampered when they're ill as when we're still under our parents' roof.
As adults, we're forced to become much more independent and eventually rely on ourselves or our partners for help in times of need. So when a woman in a long-term relationship realized that maybe her older partner wasn't as reliable as she thought, she quickly shared her concerns on Reddit. And well, plenty of replies shed some light on what her future might look like.
Dealing with a sudden illness can be daunting and scary, especially if you're alone
But this woman thought her partner, a 44-year-old man, would have her back no matter what
Statistically, men are a lot more likely to leave once they realize their partner might be sick
Unfortunately, time and time again, research has shown that men may be more likely to leave their wives, girlfriends, or fiancées if they become seriously ill. One particular study from 2009, published in the journal Cancer, tracked 500 married patients, both male and female, who had been diagnosed with serious illnesses, like brain tumors, and multiple sclerosis.
The results were baffling. When the wife was sick, the divorce or separation rate was 20.8%. Meanwhile, when it was the husband, the divorce rate was only 2.9%. That's a six-fold increase in partner abandonment after a serious diagnosis. And there is actually a much deeper reason behind these numbers — yes, it's patriarchy.
Historically, women have been socialized into caregiving roles throughout their lives. Society has enforced these behaviors from a young age, making it far more instinctive for women to step into these roles when a situation like a serious illness comes up. It's not necessarily in women's nature, but society has made sure it's in the nurture, becoming obvious even in household chores and child-rearing.
The data, however, gave us numbers regarding the existence of a divorce or separation, but not necessarily who initiated it. It's important to note that, based on qualitative research, it's possible that the women initiated the divorce process in some relationships. This could have happened for several reasons, but if we go with the Reddit story, it may have been because the wife felt she wasn't receiving the care and support she needed.
The relationship, however, doesn't need to end after the man failed to act, but it may need a lot of work to build up trust
It is fairly easy to immediately turn the man's failure to show up as an obvious reason to break off the relationship. However, one thing to take into account is his wish to change and do better by continuously working on improving himself. That said, it can require significant structural change, introspective work, and lots, lots of professional help.
Experts in clinical psychology, including Dr. Sue Johnson, have thoroughly studied attachment injuries. This is when something like a memorable betrayal or failure to respond during a moment of need occurs, leading the brain to register the event as a threat to survival. In other words, the fiancée no longer feels safe with him, nor does she rely on him.
His immediate response was also to avoid the situation and to deny that any fears would arise, which is fairly common. Psychologists often note that intense and overwhelming anxiety surrounding grief can lead individuals to rely on avoidant coping strategies, like staying in a familiar environment (in this case, the work event) to avoid internal panic.
Naturally, that cannot be an excuse, and repairing the bond will require a number of steps, including the man taking unconditional accountability and seeking therapy — which he already has, showing promise. Couples therapy could also be a solution. That said, we'd love to hear what you think about this situation and what you would tell the author. Let us know below.
Plenty of readers shared their own experiences with partners who failed to show up, while the author took it all in and explained more about their relationship
