I lost my Mom 10 days before Mother's Day in 2015. She wasn't sick. In fact, in an effort to be healthier she lost weight, took walks, and was eating better. She and a friend had gone out that same day to assist a young woman with a disability. After a couple of laughs, lunch and turning down dessert, she retired to tidy home to relax. It was still early, so she opened the window, made some herbal tea and put her feet up. Well, that's what I gathered after that fateful day.
Më? I had a busy day as a mom of 3, wife of 1. I must have gotten home late in the evening. I remembered being so tired I sat on my couch and promptly fell asleep sitting up; coat still on.
Around 11pm I received a call on my cell, which was next to me and my keys. It was my Mom. She said, "Angie are you sleep?" I don't know about you, but I am always awake for Mommy. I answered, "No." She said "I think I need to go to the hospital. I can't breathe."
Right then the world reversed like that scene from Superman. It reversed like a child using his finger to unceremoniously turn the spinning LP backwards when dad isn't looking. It reversed like that fateful scene in The Sixth Sense. In my mind I would hear those words again, but this time with the accompanying gasps in between each word......
Long story short within an hour, she would be unconscious, in my arms, never to regain consciousness. EMT and the police mere steps away in my peripheral...and it would all be completely unexpected.
My world stopped. Everything became unbearably: the sun was too bright, the night too dark, words were too loud and silence was too quiet. I wanted to scream at everyone moving, "Stop! Don't you know what has happened?!"
Thus being a mother myself, Mother's Day was mainly about my Mom. I no longer looked forward to the day. That year my siblings and I were able to promptly bury Mom before Mother's Day. From that day on, I despised Mother's Day. I didn't want to hear the sentiment. The reason I celebrated that day my whole life had be taken from me, and I was furious. I was angry at the marketing texts that showed up uninvited. I was triggered by the group texts that rang out from close friends, and the people who only connected with you 4 times a year (Christmas, New Year, Easter, and Mother's Day). The reoccurring replies from anonymous numbers, the greetings from people on the street, all angered me.
While I wouldn't stop my children from wanting to honor me, I could avoid the outer world. I could avoid the calls, texts, emails, social media, tv and radio by simply unplugging. I did that for years.
I can honestly say that I was in a fog for nearly 5 years. Even the simplest things could send me into a tailspin. One of those things were flowers. Mommy and I bought a ridiculous amount of potted flowers the year before her death. We took a gardening class at the local nature & science center. Two classes in we knew we were Master Gardeners. "Ha! The money we spent on plants at big box stores and family owned nurseries."
When I drove by a garden display, days after her funeral, I should have known I would burst into tears...I didn't. It took me by surprise. It was one more thing to add to my list of never-enjoy-agains.
As I slowly came to terms with my Mother's death, I began to open up to flowers again. I was missing the joy of Spring, in my life when I loved the newness in the air. Taking pictures of flowering plants from a distance became my obsession. Lol my floral voyeurism. They didn't turn me on but they made me feel good inside. I have tons of pictures of flowering landscapes on my phone. They are taking over my device storage like the Tribbles. I need to share them with the world so that their capture isn't for nought.
Which brings me to the other day. This year I finally felt I deserved flowers from me to me. My favorite flowers are tulips. I saw some and bought them. One day I will figure out how to successfully grow potted tulips indoors. Until then, I will continue to buy them for myself, and proudly display them in a vase on my kitchen table. Ah...tulips for me. Flowers for Angie.
Tulips for me. 🤗
May 2022 I finally buy flowers for me.