Man Asks If He’s Wrong For Forbidding His Sis To See His 2-Year-Old And Also Asking His Wife To Butt Out Of It

The idea of family is often glamorized and exalted as this perfect social “fairy tale” purpose among people to strive for. It’s that “white picket fence, beautiful wife, two-and-a-half kids in the suburbs” sort of ideal that people think simply works.

Well, it can work, requires a lot of it, but nothing is really perfect. Family is as imperfect as the world is in The Wolf Among Us—a graphic mystery-drama where fairy tale characters are forced to live in our regular world with our regular problems, and in our regular ways. It’s no longer a fairy tale, in other words.

Take this man’s predicament: a brother to an estranged sister and son to an estranged mother, who caused a divide in the family by cheating on her husband, the man’s dad, who one day sees his sister attempting to reconcile their family relationship, but he wants none of it because the damage is done. But it just doesn’t stop.

More Info: Reddit

Reddit user u/thegoldenstitch recently turned to the r/AITA community for some perspective on a family matter. Well, families matter, multiple. But I digress.

For context, the Redditor is a husband and dad of a 2-year-old. He has an older sister, who’s also a family woman with 2 kids. His relationship with the sister is nonexistent due to a family thing that happened years back.

The said family thing was actually their parents’ divorce—the mother cheated on the dad, and so the fallout is the now-adult kids also got into an argument about it all. In short, the daughter sided with the mom because mom was sorry, and it was just one time, but OP was doubtful. They fell out and haven’t spoken for a number of years since.

So, when OP married, he explained the family dynamic she would have to deal with, and she was fine with that. Until now, that is. Some months ago, the wife got a call from OP’s sister’s husband, whom OP’s never met, saying he wants to start mending bridges. OP thought “no, thanks.”

Well, then the sister started reaching out to the wife by sending pictures of their kids, and the wife seemingly reciprocated. Great icebreaker, sure, but that irked OP something fierce. He has sat down with his wife multiple times, explaining how he feels about this whole situation and how she’s testing his boundaries. She, on the other hand, was having none of it, explaining that she can send pictures to whoever she wants.

The wife’s argument was that it’s wrong to deprive their son of their extended family. OP, in turn, came back with explaining that the kid doesn’t have to have a relationship with them, especially since the dad doesn’t even have one. Let alone, OP’s lack of relationship meant that he doesn’t even know these people; for all intents and purposes, they're strangers. This is besides the hint at his mother finally getting a chance to take part in her grandson’s life by means of pictures and the like.

The whole thing escalated to a degree where OP effectively told his wife to re-evaluate her priorities because he won’t tolerate her disrespecting his boundaries. He was even advised by his dad to start preparing for an exit plan.

And Reddit’s judging community on r/AITA were torn on this one. Those who defended OP argued that the wife knew what she was getting into right from the start—in fact, it’s a clause she agreed to and didn’t even care about. But this side of the fence also strongly suggested seeking counseling because this is a complex issue.

Those who argued against OP said that the kid isn’t him, and he can have a healthy relationship with his extended family. However, what triggered people on this side the most was OP’s “disposable” outlook on family—as if he can just get a divorce and start again. No, it doesn’t work that way.

Yet there were those who pointed fingers at everyone involved. For the reasons above, but also at the mom for cheating, at the two siblings for taking sides, at the dad for being manipulative and just plain bitter, among other reasons.

OP himself also addressed a couple of things in the comment section. Namely, that his wife’s family lives close, her siblings and his dad are all involved—it’s not like the son doesn’t have family—and the fact that he doesn’t want to forgive his mother because she has shown who she really is. “Whenever my dad wouldn't take her back she started attacking his character, his wallet and his pride. She was a good mother until the divorce then her real colors came out.” This was besides crashing his wedding and other nuances.

Bored Panda got in touch with Counselor and Relationship Coach Shelley Lewin for some perspective and what the right thing to do is in this complicated situation.

Lewin explains that while it is technically possible for OP to continue living this way, the healthy solution is still forgiveness. “The journey of life is not about the destination but who you will become as you are transformed along the way. This gent could use this experience to be transformed if he is willing and able to reach for forgiveness,” explained Lewin.

Lewin continued: “Forgiveness for his mother of making an error in judgment and having an affair, which has since cost her the relationship with her husband AND son. Forgiveness of his father for allowing his own bitterness toward his wife to disconnect a child’s bond to his mother. Forgiveness of his wife and BIL for striving to repair and heal the ruptures of a family, rooted in one major ethical/moral error. Forgiveness of himself for proactively limiting the amount of care and love his own child could be receiving from his aunt, uncle, cousins and grandmother. Forgiveness of himself that the time passed has been lost, but recognize and seize the opportunity to change the current trajectory of separation, disconnection, drama and suffering.”

Lewin also pointed out that, yes, OP could continue living his life with the existing divide, stay as he is, and to hold onto being self-righteous. But that pushes OP into a corner because this is teaching his son that, one, it’s OK to cut people out when they are not perfect, and two, being imperfect is unforgivable. So, if he himself makes a mistake, his son might prompt for the same decision-making.

So, that leads to the question of what does all of this mean for the wife and the kid? When it comes to the 2-year-old, if the dad continues to lowkey hide the extended family from the son, then the son won’t miss what he’s never had. The kid’s mom, OP’s wife, however, has the emotional maturity and power to make choices on behalf of the kid.

“She needs to determine what she perceives to be the worst of all the possible consequences and choose the best way forward,” elaborates Lewin. “She can choose to stay married to an unforgiving man and ensure that she AND her son NEVER make any errors in judgment, because the consequences of that will be brutal. She can choose to continue pushing to repair the ruptures of the family for the sake of her child’s relationship with the extended family, in the hope that he consequently gets to experience the love of many family members. She can choose to leave if she doesn’t want to live with the consequence of a hostile environment when acting in the best interest of her son.”

Shelley Lewin, also known as the Relationship Architect, is a certified SACAP Counsellor, PSYCH-K Master Facilitator, ICF PCC Coach, and a woman of many other talents with nearly two decades of experience in the field. Be sure to check out everything that Lewin does on her websites, and why not also follow her on her socials—LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram to learn more about all things relationships and self-care.

And while you’re doing all of that, be sure to also leave your thoughts on this situation, and your own verdict, in the comment section below!