29 Ex Incels Share What Made Them Change Their Ways: "Desperately Lonely"

So I’ve never had any luck with the ladies, and I was a very angry teenager about it. Never said it out loud, but thought several times about government-provided girlfriends, that kind of stuff (again, I was a teenager). The misogyny went hand in hand with some homophobia and transphobia.

What took me out of it was finding an online community early into my adult years (not about this stuff, it was video-game related) that didn’t ostracize me when I was being normal but had no qualms about telling me how much of a jerk I was when the incel stuff came out. Not really sure what the tipping point was, but there came a time when I realized holding onto all that bitterness wasn’t helping me, and I’ve ended up changing a lot for the better in the years since.

Still never been in a relationship but, although I still want to find that special someone, I feel less defined by it now. I have other things going on in my life and am finding ways to make my own happiness. I’ve even been able to go on a handful of dates, though right now I’m taking time out from it to work on becoming more like the person I want to date while also focusing on my personal projects that make me happy.

To anyone currently within that incel space, I’d say this: Whatever’s happened to you in life, however mistreated you might feel by women (and, in empathy, it’s not wrong to feel lonely - humans are social creatures, after all), it’s simply better to accept being single as your current status and work upon maximizing your happiness as an individual, rather than being single and bitter about it, which will only make life and interpersonal relationships less pleasant for you.

I wasn't the "women are at fault and I am perfectly fine" type of incel. I was the actual involuntary celibate kind of person that just never felt any attraction towards women and that one time I could have had something with a girl I just stayed flaccid no matter what.
After that, like 12 years later when I was 28 I realized I was actually just gay and living in heavy denial of it. After accepting and living as a gay guy I am happy and got an amazing partner.

My father cheated on my mom and believed he did nothing wrong
He listens to people like Andrew Tate and religious people who justify cheating through religious loopholes. I used to listen to the same people until my father did what he did and it hit me real hard and I had never seen my mom cry like like that, That was the moment I changed completely.

I was kind of a "nice guy" incel. There was never really any animosity towards women in general or feminism, although I did resent girls that I was interested in, for not being interested in me, and I'd get all obsessive and "in my head" about them.

Eventually I was just so desperately lonely and there was this girl that was interested in me. So I figured "what the hell?". It was only after I started dating her and figuring out what being in a relationship actually is, that I realized how messed up my priorities had been. I had sooo many chances to break out of my loneliness and I regret wasting all that time that I felt sorry for myself.

It was a long road to recovery, but we've been together for 14 years now.

A lot of it was understanding I had to become the representation of the person I wanted to date. I never actively held hatred for folks who didnt like me back when I was 16-20. Just frustrated. All I had to offer was being a "nice guy" and funny. That got me friends but its not always enough for a good relationship.

Wanted somebody who had their own job/money? I had to have one first. How about somebody with their own transportation? Had to have one first. Wanted somebody who was in shape? I had to put in the hours to be fit myself.

Just basic stuff. I didn't have to be a male model, but just removing as many negatives as I could control did wonders for who was suddenly in my dating range. Half of dating is selling who you are to the other person and seeing if they want to buy into that relationship as a partner.

What actually happened is I became self sufficient, confident, and motivated. This just naturally attracts peoples as I was already a decent guy. I found peace in myself and progressing my own life. This is such a huge attracting force its crazy.

Edit: I don't have all the answers but doing nothing and souring yourself is never the right direction. You cant control what SHE thinks. Changing what you can in a positive way will bring people who want to be with you, not just people who see you as a friend. If you want more, you need to be worthy of more. You need to be worth more yourself. A girl wont fix your life magically and she wont fall into your lap if you put off hard work for another day. Deal with as many problems as you can and your life will improve. YOU CAN DO THIS.

I spent a lot of time trying to please girls. I didn't understand how anyone could reject me.

I'm ugly, and when I finally accepted that, I spent more time focusing on my hobbies and ignoring others, and someone found me interesting enough to spend part of their life with me. Weird.

I didn’t have some dramatic “movie moment.” It was quieter than that.

I remember scrolling through forums where everyone was angry at women, at “Chads,” at society. And for a while it felt validating. It felt good to have something to blame.

But one day I noticed something uncomfortable: none of the guys there were actually improving their lives. We were just recycling the same bitterness. Years would pass, and nothing changed except the resentment got stronger.

The real turning point was when a female classmate treated me with basic kindness and I caught myself immediately assuming she had some hidden motive. That’s when it hit me — I wasn’t “unlucky in love.” I was distrustful, insecure, and projecting.

I realized I didn’t actually hate women. I hated myself. And it was easier to turn that outward.

I was never an incel but I had a cousin who clearly was. Changing his views started with realizing that women are people. They weren’t evil Chad collecting demons. How did he learn this? By getting off the internet and talking to them in the real world. He got a job at a grocery store and started making friends with actual women.

My resentment towards the frustration of women not being interested in me was rooted in my own self hatred.

I started losing weight through diet and exercise which gave me more self confidence, but more importantly, it gave me the psychological bandwidth to focus on the things that I enjoyed rather than being resentful that I could get a woman's attention.

I also really began taking to heart the idea that no one owes you their affection. Being nice to someone with the hopes/expectation of them being romantically interested is a scummy thing and takes agency from women. I always thought of myself as a "nice guy" but I wasn't. I was a piece of s...

It sounds obvious but breaking through the toxic masculinity/misogyny of the 2010s and treating women like human beings and as equals was really the crux of it.

When I realized that the girl I was “in love with” didn’t actually exist in reality and was just a concept I made up in my head. She was just a friend, no more no less. I spent so many nights getting angrier and angrier because she didn’t meet unrealistic expectations that I never communicated. At one point it clicked for me, if I loved her, why do I hate her so much? How does that make any sense?

Real progress for me started when I realized that it was actually because I hated myself and was (and still am) dealing with mental health issues. So I started talking about it. I talked to friends, my mom, and my doctor and found out that people do in fact care about me, and I care about them too, and that I don’t need to make up versions of people in my head and can instead just enjoy their company for what it is.

Fortunately, I can say I’m still friends with the above girl. She’s amazing and someone I’m grateful to be in my life, but anything more than that just wasn’t meant to be. Which took me way too long to realize is still very much a great thing.

I wasn't allowed to express myself. My anger grew and I didnt how to express that either, fomenting a deep hatred for myself. The internet became the only venue I could vent out my hatred and anger.

The turning point was college and meeting people who were better than me and people who were worse than me, as well as people who showed me compassion and love.

I hate the government now instead.

I remember for years thinking, 'Why won't anyone date me? Why can't I get a girlfriend?" It wasn't a single moment, but eventually I started to ask myself, "Well, why WOULD someone want to date me? What exactly do I bring to the table?"

Instead of thinking about getting a girl, I simply directed my energy and effort into self improvement. Better education, more philosophy and reading, passionately pursuing hobbies, ambitiously improving my career.

Eventually, I became something to pursue. A catch. Then I got snapped up. XD.

The entire incel philosophy can be dismantled with a single observation: you're angry that an attractive woman won't choose you, and you resent her for it. But you yourself would never date someone you weren't attracted to. You have your own standards too. So would you think it's fair if *they* hated *you* for rejecting them? Of course not, you'd tell them to get lost.

There's your answer. The energy spent resenting people who don't find you attractive is just irrational and misplaced and the focus should be in improving oneself.

Facebook decided i'm an incel once.

It was, frightening, I fit a lot of the boxes and the checkmarks just line up so nice, so the algorythm tried to have me pegged.

It started via comics. Truth is the best way to lie to a person. Jokes are the best way to disarm them, and at the end of the day, uf you never say the content straigth, you can always walk away and claim you never meant anything at all with your content.

So comics, I like manga, anime, other stuff. I started seing lots of comics. Always 3rd party. They were reposts. In many of them, a slightly religious theme, very innocent. It was often a particular series where a demon girl softly wants to leave "punishing sinners" behind and get with a bookish guy up on the human plane, with many slightly biblical points to make.

It ramped up. Comics by a variety of authors, but always the same theme. Cheating, scandalous behavior, often involving a cheating wife, or else a woman being in some strange charged trouble. These authors had made plenty of other stuff, but this is what the Algorithm decided I wished to see.

I hadn't made the connection, these jokes I barely gave 2 thoughts about were making some statements selectively, not be creating and presenting content, but by borrowing it and parsing it to fit a theme. They didnt say things out loud, they just platformed jokes. "Sometimes people cheat, and it can be funny, I guess". It's a reasonable assumption, I can't refute it.

Then came the videos. Women. Being. Wrong. A deluge of it. Video after video was a woman being a thief, throwing a tantrum, messing up a workplace, and so on and so forth. This was where I really started being alarmed. So I started looking at the accounts. Account after account had rows if this exact content, repeated, compounded, it's like somebody was gathering every single video of a woman being in the wrong and wanted me to see them all. Similarly for the comics, they wanted me to experience every cheating cartoon woman ever penned.

The truth: "look, some women are bad".

The lie: "these women, like all women, are bad".

Suffice to say I went on a blocking spree and totally reshaped my feed. Do I still get some women on my feed? Yes, but it's so much more positive and balanced now.

Yeah i think the real issue is that a lot of guys in that mindset are just... not dealing with rejection well. like you can be socially awkward or whatever but the moment you start blaming women as a group for not wanting you, that's when it gets weird. i wasn't full incel but i definitely had that "why don't girls like nice guys" phase when i was younger and it's embarrassing to think about now.

for me it was just growing up and realizing women are just people with their own preferences, same as i have mine. also got in better shape and actually put effort into hobbies instead of just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. turns out when you're not constantly bitter about your situation you're way more pleasant to be around. who knew.

It was pointless. I’ve wasted my anger on nothing during my teens. No amount of self-wallowing would help so I just… stopped.

Well, nothing changed so I just redirect my mind away into other hobbies and work. I do cosplays and tinker with stuff, and I’d make sure I’d pamper my best friends with attention and loyalty.

People in this thread claiming they “weren’t actually an incel” and then still putting the weight of bettering themselves on someone else is kind of wild.

I had no intention to respond to this when I saw it as the top post on my home feed, but here I am.

I literally told people I was involuntarily celibate, before the term incel was even coined. I spent the better half of my 10 year “involuntary celibacy” claiming that to people. I had a bad breakup after my first experience with someone who, in my eyes, finally gave me a chance. I was dealing with a wealth of budding mental illnesses at the time and felt extremely inferior. I fell in on myself. Certain life events made things worse. I became a victim and getting diagnosed solidified most of what I was feeling.

Look, I’m not gonna pretend I have answers here. I’m not gonna try to give anyone advice. I’m gonna state what I’ve observed.

We are all victims. Victims to life. It can be cruel. None of us asked for any of this. People can be cruel. And we’re all in this together, right? Stuff gets hard. It gets unbearable. It becomes a thought of “maybe I’m not the problem and everything else is.”

That’s not right tho. Its perspective. There are so many beautiful things in this world that outweigh the ugly. People don’t want to be reminded of the ugly.

No matter what relationship it is, you have to remind people that they, and yourself are beautiful and there is plenty of beauty in this world to be had. You can’t do that if you don’t believe it.

Acceptance. That’s where you start. Accepting the circumstances. Accepting the nature of things. Accepting who you are. Accepting that you aren’t who you want to be. Accepting that everything is a little messed up, but man it feels so much better to just accept that there is beauty to be held. If you can’t see it directly, then be responsible and make it happen yourself. It doesn’t take much work or cost anything to just accept that things are awful and still be kind anyways. And it gets easier the more you do it.

That’s not an end all be all statement. Stuff still gets rough and hard to navigate. You can’t let it drag you back into the ugliness tho. What you can do is fight back. Love yourself. Love your family. Love your friends. Love everyone on this planet because we’re all going thru it.

Not a single one of us asked for this, but we are still here. I still have trouble coming to terms with that. But, I’ve learned that being a victim to it, making that your excuse for horrible behavior, trying to blame other people who might even be going thru it worse, whatever negative disposition you may have doesn’t mean jack and people honestly don’t want to be reminded of it.

Just try to be fair, try to be supportive, try to be accepting, try to be what you feel like you might need. Try to be better. Just try to be better.

I don’t think this comes close to some of the more real experiences, this is more my brief experience with the mindset itself.

I was like 13 and remember coming across some nice guy (pre incel era) forums.

I was accelerated for my age and everyone around me was like a year or two older and pubertying up and dating while I felt left out and just assumed dating wasn’t going to happen for me.

I remember identifying with the nice guy mindset for a short while before realizing the last people I should be seeking dating advice from were the people who weren’t going on any dates.

I ended up dating someone later that year after I figured that it would be better to at least try a few times before giving up on getting dates and the first chick I asked out said yes.

I was 99% sure she was going to say no and went for it anyway.

I was ready for it (and I remember tearing myself down for the approach just after I did it) the yes actually caught me off guard hahaha.

I realized afterwards how limiting the mindset actually is.

I think the extended loneliness and a fear of rejection keeps them caged in a state of inaction.

They seek like minded people to share in their suffering, not knowing that all it’s doing is exacerbating the underlying problems.

It’s like they’re waiting (hoping?) for something to start without realizing that nothings gonna change until they do.

I’ve helped a fair few online friends crawl out of the mindset and they’re doing well for themselves now.

It all starts with getting them to accept the worst aspects of themselves and realize that person isn’t the monster they think they are just because they’re lonely and feel guilty about their fantasies (weirdly common trend with vastly different kinks heard from different people?)

Because when you improve out of self hate- there’s always an element of lethargy to it because who wants to help out somebody you hate? (unless the hate is like, really strong).

It’s way easier to help out a person you care about imo- that includes oneself.

I don't think I was ever actually a full incel, but I was, for sure well on my way back in late college. I was stressed, frustrated, and having exactly zero luck. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was almost finished a second-rate degree (non-math CS...CIS...the "I" doesn't stand for "Information", it actually stands for "Insufficient") at a 3rd rate school, it was 2008, the market had just started crashing and 6 in-person interviews I had scheduled with recruiters canceled with dear john emails the day after Microsoft laid off 1500 engineers.

It was bad. I wanted to blame anyone for my failures.

But I'm lucky. I've got a younger brother who is a rock, and one evening we were walking to Zips for dinner when he interrupted my insane, not-so-borderline incel ranting with some hard truth.

"Blaming everyone else isn't going to fix your problems."

If you have 1000 bad experiences, you are the common denominator in all of them.

Likewise, if you fix 1000 problems, you are also the common denominator in all of them.

He was just tired of hearing me complain, but I'll be darned if he wasn't 100 percent correct.

I took it to heart. I'm still 3/4ths of a failure, but it's with almost 20 years of work experience behind me and a career that is, I would say, almost good if not great (in parts).

If I had fallen into being an incel, I really would have turned into a failure because the mentality I needed to actually get what successes I've had would never have surfaced.

I was on the path untill my father noticed it and put in the time to righten the ship. But with how absent parents are now days and how easy it is for young men to fall into self validating pits of nihlism thanks to social media I feel sympathy. 

Best I do and what any childless addult who has his affairs in order and some free time every other week...go join big brothers and sisters of america and find a kid or teen who lacks a support system, share some joy and some life knowledge, its only a few hours a month and a couple of check ins and you are doing your part to help the next generation.