Friendship is a wonderful thing, but sometimes even the closest bonds can be tested. It’s at times like these that the need for clear and open conversation is most important. Speaking honestly and gently can clear up any miscommunication and usually spells an end to any feelings of hurt or resentment.
For one Reddit user, her bi friend’s constant hurtful comments about her to other people became too much for her to handle. While she is gay, she’s expressed that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for her bi bestie, but that the comments still sting.
More info: Reddit
Gay woman’s bi bestie insists they’ll never hook up or date and won’t stop telling other people about it whenever they’re out
Image credits: Surface (not the actual photo)
She has insisted that bi bestie is not her type and is married anyway, but her friend of 15 years claims she doesn’t want her getting any ideas
Image credits: Justin Follis (not the actual photo)
Whenever they hang out, the bi friend makes a point of telling random people that they’re not together, nor would they ever be
Image credits: u/Ugly-Cry-317
Hurt by her bestie’s comments, she ended up taking an Uber home, which her bestie blames on unrequited feelings
It’s not uncommon for best friends to fall in love, but shifting from a platonic to a romantic relationship can come with its risks. There’s the chance that things don’t work out, which could end in the whole relationship being lost. Things can also get complicated if one of the friends is harboring unrequited feelings.
A woman who came out as gay 10 years ago is involved in a friends-only relationship of 15 years with her married bi bestie. The bestie also has a girlfriend, which her husband is OK with. In her post on Reddit, the woman says that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for her bestie, especially since she’s not her type and is also married.
This fact hasn’t stopped the bestie from developing an annoying habit of telling anyone who will hear it that she and OP aren’t an item and will never be. Whenever they’ve gone out to a bar or club, the bestie makes a point of telling complete strangers that they’d never hook up or even date.
For OP, these comments have become hurtful, not because she wants to pursue anything romantic with her BFF but because she finds them to be belittling, especially in front of other people.
She’s tried talking to her BFF about it, but the bestie just responds by saying OP’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt unless she wanted the friendship to develop into something more serious.
Things came to a head one night when, while filming people dancing, OP caught her BFF once again telling a stranger that she’d never date OP, and that OP has been in love with her ever since she came out a decade ago.
That was the final straw. OP decided then and there to take an Uber home. The next day her BFF was angry about her leaving early, and again accused OP of catching feelings. Understandably frustrated, OP then took to Reddit to ask if she would be the jerk for wanting to put some distance between her and her bestie for a while.
Image credits: Daniele Colucci (not the actual photo)
Seeing as the bi BFF keeps going on about how she’d never date or hook up with OP, it seems like she’s the one who is obsessing about the state of the relationship. Perhaps she’s also using the behavior as an ego boost.
By telling others that OP wants a more serious relationship but that it’ll never happen, she could be trying to position herself as more desirable and unattainable than she actually is. Any way you look at it, it seems to be a toxic friendship for OP.
Ian Stockbridge is the founder and lead counselor at Hope Therapy and Counseling Services. In an article he wrote for The Counselling Directory, Stockbridge says that toxic friendships can be challenging to recognize, but identifying the signs and knowing how to avoid them is crucial for our mental health.
According to the article, toxic friendships can have a significant impact on mental health. The negative behavior of a toxic friend can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and stress. A study by the Mental Health Foundation states that 68% of people who experienced a toxic friendship reported that it affected their mental health.
Image credits: Claudia Wolff (not the actual photo)
So, what are the signs of a toxic friendship? Stockbridge describes 6 warning signs:
- A toxic friend may frequently criticize your decisions, opinions, and behaviors. They may belittle your accomplishments or make you feel inadequate.
- A toxic friend may be unsupportive when you need them the most. They may dismiss your feelings or fail to offer help when you need it.
- A toxic friend may manipulate you to get what they want. They may use guilt or emotional blackmail to make you feel obligated to do things for them.
- A toxic friend may try to control your actions or decisions. They may make you feel guilty for spending time with other friends or try to isolate you from your other relationships.
- A toxic friend may constantly compare themselves to you or be competitive in a way that feels unhealthy. They may try to one-up you or put you down to boost their own ego.
- A toxic friend may frequently gossip about you or share your personal information without your consent. They may betray your trust or spread rumors about you.
Stockbridge goes on to give some pointers on how to avoid toxic friendships:
- Set boundaries: Be clear about what you are willing to tolerate and communicate those boundaries to your friend.
- Take time for self-reflection: Reflect on how your friendship makes you feel and whether it is bringing positivity or negativity into your life.
- Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your concerns or seek professional support.
- Be honest: If you have decided to end a toxic friendship, be honest with your friend about why you are ending the relationship. It may be uncomfortable, but it can help both parties move on.
- Surround yourself with positivity: Cultivate positive relationships with people who uplift and support you.
Bored Panda caught up with OP to ask her a few questions. When we asked her whether or not she was surprised when her post got so much attention and how that made her feel, she responded, "I was incredibly surprised and very thankful. The insights and support were validating and helped me realize that distance was absolutely needed."
When questioned on why she decided to share her story with the Reddit community, she had this to say, "Reddit is a crossroads of people with different experiences, perspectives and wisdom. It helps to have that diverse sounding board when you're going through something unfamiliar."
OP also had this pearl of wisdom to offer, "If someone is being a bad friend or human, don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy of the duration of your friendship, relationship, etc., go low to no contact. It's amazing what kind of clarity a little distance brings."
It does seem that OP might be in an unhealthy friendship with her BFF. Do you think she’s being reasonable in wanting to get some time away from her bestie? What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments!
The woman’s post got 1.3k upvotes on Reddit and plenty of comments, most being quite clear that her bi bestie is in fact being the jerk
