"[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Friend She Can’t Come If She Brings Her Kid"

More info: Reddit

"People come with all different quirks, idiosyncrasies, and lists of things that annoy the crap out of them, so they’re naturally going to have different boundaries, needs, preferences, and perspectives when it comes to parenting styles." Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships shared with Bored Panda.

Kat chimed in to share her perspective on this issue "There’s a difference between boundaries and preferences. If you and your friend are working together to navigate each other’s preferences, it’s going to be easier to compromise and flex so you can find common ground. But if one person states a firm boundary or requirement, that’s different. Attempting to push them past a firm boundary that they’ve already made clear is a good way to damage your friendship permanently."

On the issue of compromise, Kat noted that the author offered two compromises—she offered to pay the sitter extra money to also watch Missy’s daughter. "The author also suggested that they have a lunchtime playdate together with both of their kids to celebrate at another time. She made it as logistically easy as possible for Missy to either attend the adult party or accept a reasonable alternative. Missy wouldn’t lose any cash if she came to the adult party since she wouldn’t have to pay for a sitter and she didn’t contribute to the cost of the private room rental. All she had to do was show up and celebrate her friend’s birthday — either with the grownups at night, or later at a lunch with the kids. Instead, she disinvited herself from both options."

"Missy could definitely have been more understanding of the request for a child-free event. This was her friend’s birthday party after all, and this friend offered to pay for a sitter for both of their children, demonstrating that she wanted Missy there." Kat noted "On someone’s birthday, they are the one who gets to call the shots, period. They have every right to say: “no kids” or “no dogs” or “no shoes in the house” or “no alcohol” or “no Nickelback” or whatever. As their friend, the most awesome thing you can do is to help them have that kid-free, dog-free, Nickelback-free, sober shindig. Or, you can kindly decline to attend."

Finally, Kat explained that if someone wants a child-free gathering, not just on their birthday but any day of the year, they have every right to say so. "Sometimes that means their parent-friends can attend, and sometimes that means their parent-friends can’t attend. In declaring that boundary, they’re making it clear that whether you can make it or not, they’re willing to accept any outcome."