When jealousy starts creeping into a relationship, it’s a signal that something is wrong that needs to be addressed. This is especially true if a person’s insecurity gets in the way of them being a good partner or supporting their loved one.
A grieving woman experienced this when her husband got angry about her ex-spouse attending her mom’s funeral and visiting her house. Instead of receiving any sort of comfort and support from him during such a difficult time, she had to deal with his whiny tantrums.
More info: Mumsnet
Dealing with the loss of a loved one is extremely tough, which is why people need a lot more support and love during that time
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that she has three kids with her ex-husband of twenty years, and that he has always been close with her mom and brother
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When the poster’s mother passed away, her ex visited the funeral home, which left her current husband fuming
Image credits: pressmaster / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman’s husband made a big deal of her ex coming around and stated that the man should have been banned, as it was disrespectful to him
Image credits: Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft
The poster felt broken and hurt by her husband’s behavior, as she was still grieving her mom and having to deal with his tantrums
The woman obviously was deep in the throes of grief after losing her 66-year-old mother to an illness out of the blue. She knew that her mom had been keeping poorly for a while, but didn’t expect her to go to the hospital and then pass away just the next day. This loss clearly hit her hard, but she found no support from her husband, who was actually caught up in his own drama.
What most people don’t understand about parental loss is that it can be extremely hard to cope with and requires a lot of external support. Experts state that people who lose a parent might experience depression, a drop in life satisfaction, cognitive impairment, and increased stress. It is an incredibly difficult experience to go through alone, which is why the OP’s husband should have been of more help.
Instead of being a source of love and comfort for his grieving wife, the man got mad that her ex-husband had been at the funeral and had visited her deceased mom’s home before that. He even refused to be anywhere near the other man, which made things tougher for the OP, who then had to manage his emotions.
To get a deeper insight into this situation, Bored Panda reached out to Emily Shutt, PCC, NBC-HWC, who is a cognitive behavioral coach specializing in the habits of millennial and Gen-Z high achievers in the areas of money, relationships, and well-being.
Emily stated that “when someone makes their partner's grief about themselves, it's often a reflection of their own discomfort with vulnerability or loss of control. However, [here] it seems like it's more about the husband's insecurity about his standing within the family, and inability to hold space for his own feelings without making it his partner's problem in her time of grief.”
Emily explained that the spouse may feel powerless, insecure, or even jealous of the emotional attention grief naturally commands, and instead of naming that, he’s displacing it as blame or resentment.
We also reached out to Dr. Lori Schade, a licensed marriage and family therapist, who provided a different perspective on this situation. She shared that “most of the time, a partner’s previous romantic interests are a potential perceived threat to the relationship. It could easily lead to [the husband] feeling less secure in his relationship.”
Therefore, she explained that what happened in this story is that the OP’s emotional need bumped up against his fears and emotional needs (which happens routinely). “He wasn’t ‘making it about himself,’ so much as perceiving a potential threat and feeling less secure in the relationship and coping with those difficult emotions in a way that pulled them into a negative reactive pattern,” Dr. Lori added.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman tried to make her husband understand that her ex being around didn’t mean anything and that he was only there to pay his respects to her family. Even this didn’t convince her husband, who made sure to keep his distance and didn’t even visit her deceased mom’s home.
It might seem shocking that someone would abandon their spouse like this during their grieving process, but research shows that this happens more than one would expect. The main reasons are often due to discomfort around loss, uncertainty about how to offer support, and fear about the future.
The OP’s husband was clearly not struggling with any of those emotions and was only caught up in his jealousy and insecurity. That’s why he confronted her about her ex later and said that it was disrespectful to him for the other man to even be around. In all of this, not once did he ask his partner how she was dealing with the whole situation.
Emily explained that the best way to support a griever is: “listening without judgment or interruption, handling practical details where possible (dealing with insurance, helping to arrange services, household tasks, or other administrative work), and just allowing your loved one's feelings to exist without needing to manage, fix, or change them.”
Dr. Lori Schade added that “ultimately it’s about the couple, both acknowledging that they have pain and vulnerability, and taking an approach for how they can stay connected and be there for each other in this difficult situation. That’s the difference between the stressors getting in between couples and fragmenting them, and their ability to unite against the stressors.”
She also explained the reason the husband is worried about the ex is that his wife really matters to him. If she didn’t matter to him, he would have no problem at all being around the ex. “I have to remind couples all the time that the reason the emotions are so big is that this is a really important relationship and they really want it to go well,” Dr. Lori mentioned.
Nobody wants to deal with the loss of a parent alone, but it’s clear from this that it’s exactly what the poster had to do. Hopefully, other family members stepped in to comfort her and confront her husband about his insensitive behavior.
What do you think the woman should do in this situation? Do share your thoughts down below, and whether you agree or disagree with the husband’s point of view.
People were shocked by the man’s behavior and felt that the woman needed to cut him out of her life
