Who doesn’t love a good joke? A well-timed pun with an excellent punchline that people can’t help but giggle at. Said in the right place at the right time, jokes can become pure comedy gold, which is something many people will try to retell or at least, replay in their heads every once in a while.
Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community recently shared jokes that live rent-free in their head, after one of them started a thread about it. Netizens recalled all sorts of jokes, from one-liners to those requiring a more extensive buildup, so if you’re eager to expand your collection of funny icebreakers or quips to tell at family get-togethers, wait no longer and scroll down to browse some amusing content on the list below.
#1
A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.
“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver
“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies
“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”
The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver
“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.
“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver
“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies
“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”
The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver
“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.
141points
#2
Norm told this best:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".
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127points
#3
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.
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107points
#4
It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.
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101points
#5
An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".
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95points
#6
I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial k*ller or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said “the chances that we are both serial k*llers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”.
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94points
#7
My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.
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81points
#9
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".
Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".
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76points
#10
Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.
The young boy says: I'm scared...
The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...
The young boy says: I'm scared...
The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...
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72points
#11
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.
69points
#12
There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".
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69points
#13
I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Then it hit me.
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68points
#14
How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
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67points
#16
An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.
The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.
Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.
The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."
The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."
Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."
To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".
The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.
Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.
The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."
The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."
Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."
To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".
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64points
#17
A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”
The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”
The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”
The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".
The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”
The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”
The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".
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63points
#18
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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63points
#19
NSFW but hilarious…
A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.
Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.
Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.
He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.
A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.
Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.
Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.
He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.
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58points
#20
What do you call a magical dog?
A Labracadabrador.
That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.
A Labracadabrador.
That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.
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58points