“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public

"Can't you see I'm blind?" "No because I'm blind too!" Two blind men before laughing their a**es off after bumping into each other.

Guy next to me at a urinal farted once and loudly says "sometimes when it rains it thunders". I stole it.

A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria. “They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”

I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him:

“Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.”

And without skipping a beat the man replied:

“I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.”

The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said:

“See he gets it!”

The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.

During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a pen*s?!”😂😂😂😂😂.

I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an a*****e.

I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a f*****g giraffe before."

Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”.

After watching a Bro-y dude do this huge burnout at a stoplight leaving like a dozen people (including myself) in a cloud of smoke and dust my friend yelled louder than I've ever heard before "I'm sorry about your penis!" We all had a good laugh amidst the coughing.

Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I s**t my paaaaants🎶 while skipping along at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.

An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his s**t.

Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear.

Mom: oh yummy
Son: mom shhhhhh
Mom: what
Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross
Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?

At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent):

“I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a f*****g d**k”.

I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job.".

A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?”

I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.

When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area. Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?" Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."

Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?”

He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it.

Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”.

Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”.

I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You can speak to each other and no one understands a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want” Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.