Edgy behavior is, pardon the pun, a double-edged sword. For some people, it’s incredibly attractive despite the toxicity and tension.
For others, it’s a major relationship red flag and pushes them away. The question is, why is there such a push-and-pull connection with this type of person?
Clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther, Ph.D., explained that there are a handful of common characteristics in individuals who are attracted to edgy, unpredictable, and narcissistic partners.
According to Gunther, individuals who have stayed with their partners who have narcissistic personality disorder tend to describe their relationships as a mix of agony and excitement.
So, on the one hand, the ‘ups’ in these relationships are incredible, and they’re hard for anyone to give up. Yet the ‘lows’ are so bad that you’re constantly left wondering whether you should break up and leave ASAP.
Some edgy people can be “disillusioned romantics,” who have had difficult childhoods and are emotionally dysregulated when they’re triggered.
“That can make them hard to predict, unable to commit, highly reactive when cornered, unable to accept criticism, armored against nurturing, and vulnerable to substance [misuse].”
However, when these edgy, narcissistic, disillusioned romantics want acceptance, their partners rush to them because they “ feel they can heal them if they just love them enough and in the right way.”
“That devotion may bring that partner closer and more vulnerable in one moment but then cold and distant the next. That pattern often makes their partners feel the most important and valued they have ever felt, but worthless when they fail,” Gunther wrote.
The reality is that these edgy individuals are “rarely healable.”
People who are attracted to edgy behavior tend to be co-dependent and “firmly attached to the reciprocal behaviors of the other” partner.
Gunther explained that “edgy people will not allow themselves to be owned by another because they don’t trust intimacy but imply that they could if they just found the right person. Their co-dependent partners fall prey to intermittent rewards when they are shown they might be ‘the one.’”
Furthermore, people attracted to edginess likely had inconsistent parents growing up. Their edgy partners mirror the same dynamic, disappearing and showing up again without warning. In other words, they lack consistency and flip-flop between showering you with love and ignoring you.
This sense of unpredictability and switching between passion and going away can be interpreted as dramatic and dynamic. All of that tension you feel when your partner ignores you can lead to joy and intense physical and emotional intimacy after the narcissist decides to return to your side.
