In the beginning of this post, we mentioned that sarcasm can be hurtful; however, Anthony affirms that this clever style of humor is neither good, nor bad due to its complexities. He shared: “To begin, I think it's important to consider what Blasko et al. (2021) are quick to note: "Sarcasm is widely used, but its complexities are not well understood. Sarcastic utterances can have multiple nuanced meanings depending on individual differences of the speaker, listener, and the sociocultural context."
Anthony also noted that even though there are no classes on how to learn sarcasm, people who have gained this skill didn’t voluntarily decide to achieve it. He wrote: “It's part of a communication style they, for one reason or another, evolve, whether as a defense, in the more caustic situations (elaborated on below), or a clever style of humor if the person is so cognitively inclined. There are no classes on how to be effectively sarcastic (sorry if that sounded a bit sarcastic, haha, but you see my point - and an effective use of 'everyday' sarcasm, to drive a point home). Now, imagine if we were talking on the phone and I said, 'There are no classes in being effectively sarcastic' in my normal talking manner and chuckled, versus if I struck a tone as I said it, trying to come across as clever, but implying you're asking a dumb question. This is the nuance of constructive, versus hurtful/defensive/caustic, sarcasm.”
Sarcasm is not a new-age thing, and due to its direct translation from the Greek "sarkazein," it touches more of the negative side rather than the positive. Anthony wrote: “the root of the word sarcasm, from the Greek 'sarkazein,' as noted in my Psychology Today article: 'To tear at flesh like a dog.' This was globalized (see Webster's etc. for further citations if needed) to include 'biting one's lips in rage' and eventually an attitude of sneering commentary. Clearly, it implies a generally destructive matter. The only constructive benefit, in my mind, of sarcasm, is sarcastic humor, when it is playful banter or seasons a discussion.”
He continued: “Consider someone taking advantage of a moment for silliness/playfulness, like a couple with a newborn where the mother changes the outfit of the baby in short order and the father, having the left the room for a moment, comes back in and comments on the rapidity of the action with, 'You changed her outfit that fast!?' and the mother replies, 'Nope, we just have a prodigious child.' Both chuckle and go about their day. It might also be a constructive way for a comedian (Bill Burr being the best example, in my mind), whose job is essentially to deliver levity amidst the negative aspects of life, to find humor in troubling current events, thus taking the edge from the toxicity we're barraged with. Perhaps they make light of a certain politician's scandalous modus operandi and their latest cover-up, quipping, 'No one ever saw that coming, huh?' and go on to cultivate a sarcasm-driven, fictional scenario about what excuse the politician will come up with this time.”
In terms of other relationships, maybe less close ones, sarcasm can easily be taken as an insult. Anthony continued sharing his thoughts on the topic: “barring humor, a penchant for sarcasm generally creates inter-relational difficulty, as those so versed create scenarios where others, especially if they don't know the person well, can't tell if they're joking or making a devaluing statement. A host, noticing a bit late that someone did not have any coffee yet, innocently checks in with, 'Would you like some coffee, too?' and the sarcasm-prone person replies, 'Oh, thanks. I thought I had a sign on me that said 'I hate coffee' or something...' this could be humor, or it could be irritation attempting to be hidden behind a veil of humor, depending on the relationship. Such comments used unendingly as a general interactive style likely indicate a rather defensive person who struggles to effectively communicate conflicts they may have. It's likely a person with negative self-evaluation in comparison to others, or key particular people, at least, who uses such quips as put-downs to devalue the party they're feeling defensive towards, and elevate their own status. Perhaps the person being offered coffee is jealous of the host, and transcends the jealousy by devaluing the person, creating a scenario in their mind where they are superior, i.e., 'What an awful host. They should just leave the coffee as self-serve, like I do when I have a gathering. It's easier for everybody, and nobody would have to wait like I had to. How rude.'"
Since it is difficult to understand whether the sarcasm was just a joke or an actual expression of irritation, people who use a lot of it in their communication can feel more disconnected than the others who don't use it. Being genuine and more vulnerable does not include sarcasm, and these are the qualities that connect us as people more deeply. This is what Sarah Swenson had to say on that: “The one thing I would add is that there may well be times when sarcasm is effective. However, the intimate relationship is not one of them because that is a place where sincerity and vulnerability are paramount. Sarcasm seldom helps a couple feel closer. In fact, it can become an invisible agent that pulls them apart.”
“All of this said, problematically sarcastic people will bring their deconstructive communication style to therapy, and an effective therapist will work with this. For example, someone comes to therapy because they are depressed, and it is discovered it has a lot to do with feeling isolated/not finding a life partner. As the therapist gets to know the patient, it will become clear they have a baseline sarcastic lens/tendency towards people in their life/life events. This will eventually be leveled at the therapist, as therapy is a microcosm of the person's bigger world, giving an opportunity to open the door to exploring this communication style and how it may be a root of their relationship discontent. The therapist can point out how certain sarcastic comments make them feel, like they're sometimes confused if the patient is trying to be funny or express irritation, and wonder if anyone else has commented similarly, and bring about realization that more effective communication can be helpful,” shared Anthony.
Anthony added: “Socially, people on the receiving end of sarcasm can do similarly. Pointing out to the pervasively sarcastic person that they can't help but feel confused - is the person joking, or are they trying to communicate something else? 'Hey, so-and-so, I wanted to check in with you... I know you tend to have a sarcastic sense of humor, but sometimes I get the sense that there's more to it when you make XYZ sarcastic comments. I really value our friendship (etc.), and don't want there to be some rift. I don't think you'd do anything to intentionally hurt me, but I can't help but feel X when you make comments like (have a few examples ready).' Results will be on a spectrum - some people may be taken aback and not realize their interactive style can be biting to some, and, if they value your relationship, will talk it out and make efforts to not make such comments. Others, who liberally use sarcasm as a primary defense of sorts to devalue people around them in order to boost their esteem, can turn it around and say, 'Aw, I'm just messing with you. What? You can't take it?' thus elevating themselves in their mind that you're soft, and they're tougher, and therefore superior. Outside effective psychotherapy, such people aren't likely to let go of this defense, as it is the only armor they have in which to face the world, as illustrated with the example of my acquaintance I reference in my Psychology Today post. If you want a continued relationship with such a person, it may come down to choosing radical acceptance via empathy and that, in the end, the person isn't against them; rather, they're very fragile and trying to protect themselves, and might need to be encountered in small doses, or, if it is too overshadowing, decide to discontinue the contact.”
So, pandas, let us know what you think about this topic and whether you use sarcasm in your daily communications.
