Words alone aren’t enough to keep a relationship stable. You need to back them up with actions. And this story illustrates how badly things can turn out when the two are no longer aligned.
A few days ago, a woman turned to the internet asking for advice on how to deal with her boyfriend.
The guy apparently canceled their plans on her birthday because he felt he had to spend the evening “comforting” his female coworker after a “rough” day.
This woman was looking forward to her birthday dinner with her boyfriend
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
But he canceled at the very last minute
Image credits: Lia Bekyan (not the actual photo)
Image source: Lopsided_Start7300
Emotional cheating is a relatively new concept
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
According to Michelle Janning, a professor of sociology at Whitman College, Washington, United States, who specializes in social roles, family, and relationships, the belief that one can be emotionally unfaithful is a relatively modern concept.
Janning says that today’s framing of long-term partnership – as “a lifetime of monogamous companionship between two people with emotional connectedness as the superglue that holds them together” – is the product of recent shifts.
Historically, she points out, a spouse wasn’t expected to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Marriage was often based on economic security, geography, family ties, and reproductive goals; in marriages that were not founded in love, it was understood that people might find emotional fulfillment elsewhere.
But throughout the past 200 years or so, our understanding of relationships has changed. In the Western world, love matches have become the norm, and over the last century, the rise of individualism has led people to prioritize self-care and self-fulfillment.
Today, people want their partner to meet their emotional needs – meaning that fulfilling a third party’s emotional needs could be seen as a betrayal. Being physically faithful may no longer be enough; now, many couples believe that turning to a third party for some aspects of happiness and emotional well-being can be a kind of betrayal.
People have different views on what is and isn’t allowed
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While some might consider liking a particular person’s social media post to be infidelity, others might think this is nothing to worry about. Similarly, while there is a general understanding that deeply personal conversations should stay between partners, for others, emotionally vulnerable friendships are something everyone should enjoy. And they’re usually men.
A small study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology surveyed couples and found that men caught having affairs of the heart don’t necessarily feel they’ve done anything wrong.
“Many ... do not see [emotional cheating] as infidelity at all, since they did not [sleep] with the other woman,” says Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair, Norwegian University professor and a co-author of the paper.
Worse, the ignorant guys don’t even try that hard to make it up to their partners, either — probably because they don’t realize how hurtful their actions are. “Men often do not understand how hard emotional infidelity is on women,” Kennair adds.
Janning believes that a couple’s ability to weather this kind of event depends on being able to talk through and agree on boundaries. “I think it’s ... about people’s willingness to continually redefine what commitment may mean, and thus redefine what infidelity means,” she says.
“The trouble for couples lies when they don’t align in their definition of commitment.”
But those who read the woman’s story told her she needed to end the relationship
Eventually, the woman confronted her boyfriend
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And they’re no longer together
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: Lopsided_Start7300
People believe this was a clear example of emotional cheating
