Respecting another person means respecting their personal boundaries. That way, you can have a healthy relationship with them. However, at some point, you might feel like they’re doing something wrong, and your first instinct might be to step in and correct them.
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Not everyone is a fan of unsolicited advice. Especially when they’re being criticized by someone they barely know. Someone who doesn’t know the full story. Redditor u/throwaway0856742 recently went viral after sharing with the AITA online community how she confronted a fellow university student for ‘wasting’ food at the cafeteria. Things soon took a turn for the dramatic. Scroll down for the full story.
We wanted to learn more about why people are so quick to judge others and how we can help someone we suspect might have an eating disorder, so we reached out to Dana Harron, Psy.D. A licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Monarch Wellness & Psychotherapy. Dr. Harron was kind enough to answer Bored Panda’s questions. Read on for her insights as to why public ‘interventions’ don’t work, how some individuals judge others to feel better about themselves, and why it’s important not to fall into the trap of judging those who judge others.
Bored Panda has also reached out to u/throwaway0856742 via Reddit, and we'll update the article once we hear back from her.
A woman recently turned to the internet for a verdict on a delicate situation that happened at her univeristy
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
She shared how she had confronted a fellow student about her eating habits
The situation quickly got out of hand
Image credits: trina1978 (not the actual photo)
The author of the post later had an update for everyone
Credits: throwaway0856742
The story proved that sometimes, it's best to mind your own business, even if you think you have good intentions
Image credits: sloomstudio (not the actual photo)
Broadly speaking, there are very few genuinely evil people out there. Arguments, even dramatic ones, usually happen because there’s a conflict of interest. Or because good people have (seemingly) good intentions and might take the wrong approach. The vast majority of the people who read redditor u/throwaway0856742’s story told her that she was definitely in the wrong to confront the other student over her eating habits. One redditor put it succinctly: “Not your food, not your business.”
There are two main factors at play here in the story. The first is the actual approach the OP took. She cares a lot about not wasting food. It’s clear that this is an issue that she’s very passionate about. However, many readers felt that she was far too aggressive in her approach. Instead of being cautious, diplomatic, and friendly, she immediately started blaming the other student. The redditor was then shocked when the student enforced her boundaries and told her to ‘eff off.’
The solution, in this case, is to do things more subtly, gently in the future. And the redditor even wrote in an update in her post that she’ll apologize to the student when she next sees her. Clearly, she took the advice she got on Reddit to heart. However, this leads to the second issue.
Some readers thought that the woman completely missed what was actually happening in the cafeteria
Many readers theorized that the woman kept throwing away half her food because she might have an eating disorder. Or she might be dealing with a dozen different problems that aren’t immediately clear to strangers.
Someone who would take the time to talk to her and get to know her would find out what the real reason was. The OP assumed this was a food waste issue when it might have been something else entirely. Most people would probably agree that someone’s mental and physical health are more important than her binning half her meal.
The real motivation for judging others can sometimes be rooted in self-interest
Image credits: micens (not the actual photo)
According to Dr. Harron, the founder of Monarch Wellness & Psychotherapy, many people are quick to judge others because they feel insecure within themselves. “It may take the guise of ‘wanting to help,’ but the real motivation can actually be quite self-oriented,” she told Bored Panda that there’s sometimes a selfish element in these situations.
“Rather than really wanting to improve the situation, the goal of getting involved in a circumstance like this can be to feel one-up on someone that you can perceive as one-down. People who judge often unconsciously see the world as a hierarchy, and rank people accordingly. So if another person is moved down a peg, you feel that you are moved up,” the clinical psychologist explained that some people see the world from a zero-sum game perspective.
There are plenty of possible reasons why somebody might throw away their food
The expert pointed out that there can be many reasons why someone throws away their food uneaten. For instance, they might have gastrointestinal issues. Or their food might be spoiled. It’s hard to determine the exact cause without speaking to the person!
“I worked with someone who didn't want to eat their packed lunch in front of peers because the family was from a different culture and the peers, unable to tolerate difference and looking for an excuse to offload their own sense of inferiority, gave this person a hard time about their ‘weird’ lunches,” Dr. Harron shared just how varied these reasons can actually be.
“One possibility could be that someone is struggling with an eating disorder. If you are concerned that someone you know might be struggling with an eating disorder, offer your perspective in a private and respectful way. Do not attempt an ‘intervention’—this doesn't work and often just makes people feel shamed.”
Instead, it’s best to share your thoughts and feelings when you’re alone with the person. And if and only if they seem receptive.
“Keep focused on yourself by using ‘I’ statements—‘I feel concerned about your eating’ or ‘I am worried when I see you not having lunch.’ Give the person an opportunity to talk and listen respectfully to what they have to say. The goal here is not to change their behavior but to tell them how you are feeling. If the person in question is young, also share your concerns with their parents or other involved/trusted/caring adults,” Dr. Harron advised on the best approach.
We should all be careful of being quick to judge those who judge others as well
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
According to the clinical psychologist, there’s something vital that we all have to be aware of when judging other people. Dr. Harron calls it ‘the gobstopper of judgment.’
“Judging other people's judgmentalism is a huge trap, and an easy one to fall into,” she told Bored Panda. For instance, someone might smile and pat themselves on the back for their “zen-like acceptance of others” while saying how glad they are that they’re not as judgmental as the people in the story they’re reading about online.
In other words, we really have to be careful about how we judge someone we know barely anything about. For example, the woman judging the student who throws out her food might come from a background of food insecurity.
“Maybe, like many of us, she is besieged by eco-anxiety and doesn't know where to put it. Maybe she is actually being judgmental—which would mean that her ability to feel good about herself has lapsed (not surprising in our culture that teaches people that feeling good about oneself is usually at the expense of others) so she's reaching out for whatever works—just like anybody else in that position would do and just like we all have done from time to time.”
In short, the world isn’t black-and-white, and there can be a dozen different reasons why somebody does what they do. It’s essential that we don’t oversimplify these situations into simple stories about outrage.
Dr. Harron is the founder of Monarch Wellness & Psychotherapy, the author of Loving Someone with an Eating Disorder, and has recently written a blog post about judging others on Psychology Today.
When dealing with eating disorders, it's best to reach out to seasoned professionals for help
There are many different eating disorders. The most common ones include anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, pica (i.e. eating things that aren’t food), rumination, and avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. Each particular disorder will have its own set of symptoms.
However, generally speaking, some of the mental and behavioral signs that might indicate someone might have a disorder include dramatic weight loss, a preoccupation with weight and calories, concern about eating in public, a fear of gaining weight, severely restricting the type and amount of food eaten, and avoiding meals.
Meanwhile, some of the physical signs of a potential disorder include the person feeling dizzy, fainting, having difficulty concentrating, dealing with stomach cramps, feeling cold all the time, having weaker muscles, and having a poor immune system.
Tackling eating disorders doesn’t have to be done alone. It’s recommended that you reach out to competent professionals who have a background in dealing with these sorts of issues. The three areas that you need to tackle include medical, psychological, and nutritional care.
So, for example, a medical doctor who has experience with anorexia patients can make sure that you’re doing all right, physically. Meanwhile, a mental health professional with a background in eating disorders can make sure that you’re taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. Finally, consider reaching out to a qualified nutritionist who can help change your relationship with food, as well as your outlook on what your body actually needs.
The woman argued with the people who read her story. Here's what they had to say
