Finding out that your loved one is terminally ill and you have less time with them than you first thought is devastating news and it seems that your world shatters. You want to spend every minute you have with them because the diagnosis is a constant reminder of the time that’s ticking away.
What's even harder is realizing that the world doesn’t stop spinning and you have to move on with your life. You have to continue working, continue taking care of yourself and dedicating time to other people too. Sadly, there is no pause button.
This man tried to explain that to his girlfriend whose sister is dying, but he failed. The woman expected him to be the only breadwinner for the next few years until her sister dies, despite him telling her how stressful his job is that earns them the money they need to survive.
More info: Reddit
Woman found out her sister was dying and she stopped everything she was doing, which her boyfriend didn't approve of
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 5 years now and 6 weeks ago, she found out that her older sister has terminal cancer. Doctors are predicting that she has a couple of years left, 4 if she is lucky.
The girlfriend is close to her sister and because of the age gap, the OP feels that she was a bit like a mom figure to her. So the news was really shocking and although it isn’t his sister, the OP was also very upset about it.
The diagnosis actually changed a lot for OP’s girlfriend because the only thing she wanted to do from then on was to spend all of her time with her sister. She was planning on dropping out of her course that she had almost finished and not looking for a job, but only being with her sister.
The author of the post and his girlfriend recently found out that her sister has terminal cancer and at most has 4 years to live
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
While the woman was attending the course, she didn’t work, and it wasn’t a huge problem because the OP earned enough for both of them, but he was hoping his girlfriend would finish her course and find a job immediately.
He hoped for it because that high salary came with high stress and the man has been considering switching to a role with less responsibilities as currently his sleep rhythm is irregular, he experiences panic attacks and doctors say that the chunks of hair falling out his head aren’t related to age.
Losing a sister you're close to is very difficult and the OP understood that but he also thought that it is unfair to make him work a job that is destroying his health. However, he didn’t receive any compassion from his girlfriend, who didn’t think his stress was comparable to hers.
Bored Panda reached out to Christa Della Bella, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker to discuss the situation and if there is a chance that it's the grief talking as the boyfriend hoped. The expert felt that "the girlfriend is disregarding the boyfriend's feelings despite the grief. She tells him he is being dramatic, which directly invalidates his experience. Grief is a never-ending cycle that changes over time but does not warrant disrespecting or invalidating your partners feelings."
It's hard to imagine the pain she feels, especially because they were close, so it is understandable that she wants to spend as much time together as she can
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
He didn’t receive compassion from some of his friends, either, but a couple of them were convinced that the OP shouldn’t sacrifice himself when his girlfriend is fully capable of having a job. Also, they believed the girlfriend was using him.
OP’s doubts were cleared by other redditors who agreed with the friends that said that the girlfriend was using him. They assured him that while knowing that a family member is dying is very hard, it is not an excuse to be done with your life.
Also, they pointed out that the girlfriend demanded money from her boyfriend not only for just everyday things, but for clothes and trips as well and didn’t care that the high-paying job is making his health deteriorate.
That meant dropping out of a course she has almost finished and not looking for a job until her sister dies
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
Image credits: Funda (not the actual photo)
Christa Della Bella told us that the boyfriend trying to give his girlfriend a reality check was normal and not insensitive to her grief at all, "I think it is not insensitive to help the person experiencing grief to understand that the grief process will be ever present, so it is not necessary for the girlfriend to stop her own life goals in order to grieve."
As the clinical psychologist explained, what would be inappropriate is "to disregard the person grieving by expecting that they 'carry on' the entire way they were before the grief incident."
She would suggest the boyfriend to "to continue to set boundaries with the girlfriend in order to alleviate his work stress and provide more of a balance in his life. Then, in turn, he will be able to emotionally be there for his girlfriend while she is on this journey."
Because in her opinion, the man isn't responsible for his "grieving girlfriend, even if it means hurting himself. At 27, she should be able to care for herself as an independent adult (i.e. work a stable job and help take care of the finances of the home). "
Her boyfriend wasn't fond of the idea because although he earns enough, the job is very stressful and he was hoping to switch roles after she found a job
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
Of course, everyone grieves differently and what works for some people might not be what others need. You want to be supportive and provide the person with what they need to get over the pain. But it is truly not worth accommodating someone else’s grief by sacrificing your own well-being.
The man mentioned that he already can’t sleep well, is having panic attacks and his hair is falling out in clumps. Mayo Clinic explains that the latter symptom can be associated with stress levels that are really high and the OP already went to the doctor to confirm it wasn’t because of other reasons.
He was bothered that she also complained about not having pretty clothes and wanted him to pay for her trip around Northern Europe
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
Other physical effects on the body caused by stress are muscle tension and pain, heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure and stroke, weight gain, memory and concentration impairment. Not to mention depression and anxiety for mental effects.
Science confirms that the OP isn’t being dramatic as his girlfriend said and comparing her stress to his also adds to the negative consequences.
Well+Good says that thinking that “other people have 'more' stress so yours is somehow less worthy—isn’t at all helpful for your health because you’re not actually dealing with the root cause of the issue.”
That means the girlfriend making it seem that her stress is greater than OP’s is preventing him from recognizing how harmful it is and straight up told him that he can’t get rid of his stressor.
The woman thought it was normal because her stress was more important to manage than his
Image credits: u/TAstressedout
Image credits: olia danilevich (not the actual photo)
In the comments the OP expressed that he is hoping his girlfriend will come back to reality, because when they met, she was actually working 2 jobs. Only 6 weeks had passed after finding out the diagnosis, so he attributed the woman’s irrational behavior to the initial shock.
Readers advised him to not hold his breath, but would you say that the couple can fix this situation? Do you think the girlfriend is showing her true colors or is she still not thinking straight? Let us know your opinions in the comments.
Redditors felt that the woman was actually grieving, but at the same time using her boyfriend and didn't see her searching for a job even after her sister died
