No one likes being played with, especially when it comes to mind games. That’s why no person would arguably be too happy to be in this redditor’s shoes, whose girlfriend decided to put him to a test.
When things seemed to be going well between the two and the couple was even planning on moving in together, the woman decided to break up with the guy, to see if he would fight for her. But her test didn’t seem to bring the outcome she expected. Scroll down to find the full story below.
Seeking to delve deeper into how such tests can affect a couple’s relationship, Bored Panda got in touch with a relationship expert, Associate Professor at the Department of Psychology at Michigan State University, Dr. William Chopik, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find his thoughts in the text below.
Testing your partner using mind games is never a good idea
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This netizen’s girlfriend put him to a test and even called him a jerk after it led to some unexpected consequences
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Secret relationship tests can negatively affect both one’s mental health and their relationship
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You might not be a fan of such relationship tests yourself, but chances are you know at least one person who would be determined to not message their partner first to see how long it takes for them to get in touch; or who would go as far as to ask their friend to try and see if they can mess with their significant other’s head. If hearing about such examples alone makes you want to frown, that’s because you are probably in a secure relationship yourself or you simply don’t need to use trickery to solve certain relationship issues.
Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the case with the OP’s girlfriend. Seeking to learn if the redditor was serious about their relationship, she arguably chose the worst possible way to do it, as her putting her loved one to the test resulted in them going their separate ways instead of moving in together.
According to Dr. Rachel Vanderbilt, a relationship scientist whose research focuses on communication in romantic relationships, secret tests can do more harm than good. In an episode of the Relationship Doctor—a podcast she hosts—Dr. Vanderbilt suggested that all sorts of secret tests can have detrimental effects on both your mental health, as well as your relationship.
“They can make you ruminate about your problems, make up scenarios in which your partner fails, and then stress about whether your partner is going to live up to your expectations. Secret tests are often a sign of a deteriorating relationship, one where trust isn’t present, or the self-esteem of the partner creating the test is low,” she told the listeners of the podcast.
Trust is one of the core elements of a happy relationship, which is why going out of your way to test it might not end well
In a recent interview with Bored Panda, Dr. William Chopik suggested that there is no need to test your relationship on purpose, as occasions to do that will arise naturally as the relationship progresses. What is necessary, though, is trusting your partner.
“Trust is one of the foundations and building blocks of a relationship,” he said. “Some researchers in the field think that trust and ‘perceived partner responsiveness’—basically, trusting your partner to be responsive to your needs—are what make people become more committed and satisfied in their relationships and what keeps them together.
“Naturally, throughout the course of a relationship, people will have opportunities to come to their partner's aid but also reach out to their partner in a time of need, consequently testing their relationship,” the expert continued. “How things go in these scenarios is hugely important for a relationship.”
According to Dr. Chopik, if partners are by each other’s sides through the worst of times, as well as there to celebrate the good ones, it usually bodes well for a relationship; however, testing it by manufacturing a crisis is a risky move. “Namely, because from the partner's perspective, it's then not entirely clear what a valid challenge is to the relationship versus a simulation to test them – it makes them a bit hypervigilant to relationship cues, is a bit disingenuous, and potentially introduces discord where there wasn't any.”
Some people test their relationship because trust is what they are lacking
Discussing the possible reasons why one would want to test their partner, Dr. William Chopik pointed out that there can be quite a few of them. “Some work suggests that people who have a history of interpersonal betrayal may be more likely to harbor doubts about their partner's loyalty. That's not such a bizarre thought – they have a history of partners being untrustworthy that guides their thinking. The same is true for people high in attachment anxiety; going into a relationship, and even after being in a relationship for years, anxiously attached people often hold less-than-generous thoughts about their partner: they jump to the worst conclusions, they generate the worst scenarios in their head, and make maladaptive attributions.
“This is often manifested in people's dealings with their partner; they'll often make mountains out of problems that might be relatively minor in the long run,” Dr. Chopik explained. “So, although some of these reactions are understandable, it might start to cause problems.”
Other reasons why people might pursue the route of testing their partner, according to the expert, are a bit more rare. “For example, there's some work on pathological traits, like machiavellianism where people like to manipulate the interpersonal situations and people around them; they treat their social relationships more like an experiment rather than an equal partnership. But, luckily, those traits are pretty rare.”
All sorts of relationships tests have seemingly been trending online lately
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Nowadays, relationship tests of all sorts are seemingly getting more and more popular. From individuals asking their significant others to peel their oranges to the so-called ‘bird tests’, people find all sorts of ways to see where the heart of their romantic interest is at. The reason for the increase in popularity? You guessed it, the internet.
But while some netizens believe that the tests that have been trending online can make or break their relationship, experts suggest that they are often done for all the wrong reasons. According to a clinical psychologist and MVS Psychology Group director, Max Von Sabler, many people opt for taking such measures seeking validation from online communities.
“I would consider that there may be an underlying insecurity for some and a desire for external validation – and that this actually showcases the significant impact that social media can have on personal relationships,” the expert told Yahoo.
Von Sabler continued to point out that such tests could be classified as basic association tasks, which means that they can have wildly varying results, and unless you’re a psychoanalyst trained in interpreting the unconscious mind, it might be best not to make any significant choices based on them.
When the OP’s girlfriend put him to the test, it was no longer her who was making the choice regarding the future of their relationship. The redditor said that he didn’t appreciate mind games, so instead of fighting for her, he boxed up all her belongings and did exactly what the test suggested that they do – break up.
The OP said his girlfriend apologized for her actions
Quite a few netizens sided with the OP, they didn’t think he was in the wrong for handling the situation the way that he did
Some redditors believed everyone was a jerk in the situation
