Life in a blended family can be challenging. After all, even normal families have their ups and downs. Keeping everyone happy and feeling included takes a lot of love, compassion, and heaps of commitment.
One woman couldn’t believe it when, five years in a row, her parents would lavish gifts on their bio grandkids while the step-grandkids went without. Having had enough of the unfair treatment, the woman decided to step in, but family drama soon erupted.
More info: Mumsnet
Blended family life can come with its challenges, but this woman’s parents only made things worse
Image credits: Ron Lach / Pexels (not the actual photo)
For five years in a row, they’ve only given Xmas treats to their bio grandkids, letting the step-grandkids go without
Image credits: bearfotos / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Having had enough of the unequal treatment, the mom told the grandparents that they had to give gifts to all the kids
Image credits: Anna Tarazevich / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The grandparents refused, so the mom decided to divide the gifts equally among her four kids behind her parents’ back
Image credits: Gottoshare
When the grandparents found out, they were furious, but the woman turned to the web to ask if it would be unreasonable to tell them to get lost
OP begins her story by telling the community that she and her husband have four children—two biological and two from her husband’s previous marriage. She adds that every Christmas, her parents gift their biological grandkids money and an assortment of treats in a big Christmas Eve box. The step-grandkids in the relationship, however, get nothing.
She tells the readers that there have been numerous heated discussions during which OP has made it clear that it’s unfair to treat their step-grandkids differently. Apparently, this has been going on for five years and OP has had enough of it, so she’s started splitting the treats equally between the four grandkids without her parents’ knowledge.
Well, recently the grandparents were visiting and one of the step-grandkids happened to mention how thrilled they were about the Christmas Eve box. OP says her parents were livid and called her afterward to demand that she stop splitting the gifts, or they’d stop gifting them, to which OP responded that that would be fine by her.
Now the grandparents have demanded that OP drop their bio grandkids at their house for Christmas Eve morning so they can treat them alone, and have even told OP that they have grandparent’s rights. OP concludes her post by asking the readers whether or not it would be unreasonable of her to tell them to get lost.
Whether you’re part of a blended family or not, you’ve probably experienced some degree of unfair treatment. In OP’s case, her parents’ blatant favoritism could risk creating resentment in a family already navigating tricky territory. What should today’s step-grandparent be striving for, instead? We went looking for answers.
Image credits: stockking / Freepik (not the actual photo)
In an article for AARP, owner, and therapist at the Divorce Resource Center of Georgia, Courtney Fields McVey, says, “You don’t have to force it to feel like that person’s been there all your life, but I do think it’s important to still offer the type of unconditional love and regard that you would automatically feel inclined to give to a biological relationship.”
Dr. Patricia Papernow, a Boston-based psychologist and author, says more research is needed on how step-families operate, adding that clinicians need better training on how to help them navigate relationships. Despite these shortcomings, both experts and step-grandparents agree on a few things.
First, discuss expectations with the parents - you want to avoid overrunning boundaries, so clear communication is key.
Second, go slow—let your step-grandkids take the lead, and don’t expect too much, at first. Remember, this is new for them, too.
Third, be a “grandfriend”—being fun and kind will go a long way to gaining your step-grandkids’ trust. Finally, err on the side of generosity when it comes to holidays, treats, and gifts.
As far as grandparents’ rights go (as OP’s parents have thrown in her face), there’s not much they can do unless they can prove in court that their grandkids are not being cared for, or are at risk of harm. Not much chance of that, then.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr. Mari Kovanen to get her take on the matter.
When we asked her whether or not the grandparents' behavior qualifies as toxic, she had this to say, "Some grandparents find it difficult to come to terms with new additions to the family who are not biologically linked. However, all adults are important in child rearing and the message a differential treatment sends to the stepchildren is that you are not welcome if they do not get any presents."
Kovanen went on to add, "The kids have already experienced a lot with the parents splitting and having new siblings, so this differential treatment just puts fuel to the fire. Adults are responsible for their behaviors, and their impact on children needs to be considered as a matter of priority over anything else."
We asked Dr. Kovanen how she'd suggest OP move forward with her parents to try and bring some equality to the gift-giving situation and she responded, "She could try to explain the impact of differential treatment to her parents. However, just based on the fact that the grandparents have not been very welcoming to the family, it may be that they are not very open to hearing the consequences of their actions."
What would you have done if you’d found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think the grandparents should up their game to include their step-grandkids? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
Netizens were divided over the mom’s actions, with some saying the grandparents were within their rights to withhold gifts, while others said the grandparents had hearts of stone
