Moving in together is like unlocking a new level in a relationship—it’s fun, it’s exciting, but it comes with a unique set of challenges. Last week, Reddit user Throwawayl4081 made a post on r/AITAH about a dilemma he's facing with his girlfriend.
The woman owns a house and wants him to move in, but she's uncomfortable adding him to the mortgage. While he said he understood, she asked for "rent" that's double what he currently pays, and they got into a standoff where neither is willing to budge, and the man is growing increasingly unsure if he's being unreasonable or if she wants too much.
A couple should progress through their relationship when both feel like taking the next step
Image credits: Monstera Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
So after this man got into a disagreement with his girlfriend about moving in together, it cast a shadow over their entire future
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawayl4081
According to Dr. Stephanie Zepeda, having clear financial communication is crucial for any couple that is looking to increase the level of commitment in their relationship
The idea behind the girlfriend's proposal doesn't sound bad. To get a more rounded understanding of its conditions, we contacted a marriage and family therapist from Texas, United States, Dr. Stephanie Zepeda.
"I dislike categorical terms like 'financially compatible' or 'financially incompatible' because I have seen how beautiful different financial philosophies can be in couples. The YOLO/Carpe Diem person always seems to attract the Frugal MacDoogal and vice versa," she told Bored Panda. "I believe that finance is an area where the saying 'Opposites attract!' rings true. So instead of focusing on determining how compatible you are financially with your beloved, have each partner instead ask 'What strengths does my perspective bring? And what risks?' together in a conversation."
"Then you can find creative ways to use each other's perspective well. This can also increase their Financial Intimacy, which can lead to an overall feeling of closeness and safety in the relationship."
The landlord/tenant arrangement may seem cold, but it could meet the interests of both parties.
Since the girlfriend owns the house, she bears all of the associated risks. These include a decline in the property's value, expenses associated with its future sale, as well as the required maintenance and upkeep. If a dog-walker slips and falls on the icy driveway, she's the one who is liable. But that means the guy shouldn't be paying for a snowplow service, either.
In return for shouldering these risks and expenses, the girlfriend would build equity and perhaps one day sell the house for more than what she bought. But for the time being, that doesn't concern the author of the post. It's unfair to expect these returns if you are not bearing any of the risks. To justify asking for part of those returns, you would need to become a joint owner (and borrower) of the property. However, the woman said she doesn't want to add him to her mortgage, so that option is out of the window.
The tricky part is deciding how much to pay the girlfriend for his "rent." As an owner, his girlfriend should cover the costs associated with ownership — property improvements, repairs, insurance — like any landlord would. To determine the monthly payments, the couple could check out current rental rates for similar properties nearby. By that logic, it would make sense for the man to pay either half the mortgage or a fair rental rate for a similar property, whichever is less.
"When discussing cohabitation, couples take different approaches," Dr. Zepeda said. "Some couples that are still in the early stages split everything 50/50, regardless of whose income is larger. Other couples that might be further along in their commitment level do a percentage-based approach (i.e. if someone makes 70% of the household total income, then they split the bills 70/30). And some couples even completely merge their finances (i.e. they put all income into one account and pay all the house bills from that account)."
Zepeda said each case is different and it depends on what you each see as the ultimate goal of the relationship. "I would strongly urge that no matter which method you choose, there should be an annual, prospective budget where you chart out what the expenses for the year will be and then discuss how these expenses will be covered," she added. "Planning this out can not only be helpful for moving in together but it also can be helpful in shining some light on financial habits and goals that each person might want to work on as well."
The therapist said that it's possible for the couple to blend their financial goals instead of having them work against each other
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
However, it's worth pointing out that the relationship dynamic might switch when one partner is feeling like a tenant in the other's home. "With some of my clients, this shift can be really difficult 3 especially if the person owns the property and the other partner is paying rent to them," Dr. Zepeda said.
"Something that I have seen some creative couples do to help balance this power dynamic is addressing the fact that the other person is helping to put equity into the property by paying rent. I've seen this done a couple of ways: 1) The property owner gives a discount on the rent price to account for this; 2) They make an agreement that if they end up separating, a percentage of the equity will be reimbursed to the non-property owner."
However, the most important piece, according to the therapist, is to make sure to communicate expectations well before the move-in date. "If expectations are clear, it helps to avoid hurt feelings," she explained.
So at least this particular couple tackled the question sooner rather than later. However, they might be missing the bigger picture. In addition to discussing budgets, Dr. Zepeda suggests the couple dive deeper, so that both know what's important to them — he may want to be saving for a down payment on a house himself, she may want to build a comfortable emergency fund. "Once they discuss the virtues and values that are linked to their budget decisions, they can approach the topic with more understanding of each other. This understanding opens up a path for them to blend their values, rather than just vilifying the other person's position."
The reactions to the story are mixed—some people said the man is being perfectly reasonable
While others believe both the man and woman could approach the argument with more empathy
A few also said the man is the one who is in the wrong
