I never thought I'd be doing one of these but I don't really use reddit and it seems to me I see better advice on here anyhow so I'm hoping some of you might be able to help.
Here's the deal.
So my(22) sisters(25, gonna call her L) bf(26, call him D) lost his sister just over a year ago in a car accident. It messed him up pretty bad mentally and he started spiraling.
Now I'll admit I've never been his biggest fan, I find him immature and inconsiderate and many other things. But nobody deserves to go through that kind of loss and I feel for him. I really do.
About three months ago D got in a fight with his parents (he'd given up his apartment to move back in since his sis died) and they kicked him out. He asked L if he could crash at our apartment for a while. She asked me and I said sure, because I knew he was doing bad and she said it would only be for two weeks...
Well like I said that was a little over three months ago. Since he's been here he has been improving a little bit. He's still not fully back to himself. So I have let a LOT slide.
He started putting empty beer bottles on the top of our cabinet. I told him our neighbors gave us roaches and we only just got rid of them so to please not do that. He claimed he never got roaches doing at HIS apartment and I said "none the less, I don't want them up there. Please take them down" and he did... For about 3 days. Then he started all over again. I asked him twice more but L asked me to let it go because it was something his sister used to do and I guess it's his way of being close to her. So I dropped it.
Then he rearranged our living room because it was "giving bad vibes." Well now it cramped and the is right against the neighbors wall and he moved a bunch of my stuff and it took me ages to figure it all out. I kept my mouth shut.
Then he started eating my frozen meals I take to work. He knows dam well that while I don't care if he helps himself to anything else in the house, the frozen meals are off limits. He took my last three, didn't ask, didn't apologize, and didn't replace them. But I once again let it go because L insisted he's having a hard time and he's depressed and cooking is hard sometimes when you're like that. Which yeah it is. I'm also depressed. And exhausted, and agitated and a million other things and I get it but I still make dinner for all three of us every. Single. Night. Because neither of them like to cook. But fine whatever. Let it go.
There's a lot more examples but I'll digress.
Today was the last straw for me. I've been sick the last two days. So I haven't done much in the way of cooking or cleaning. He offered to help me clean my room. I told him no. He offered again, I told him no thank you. He offered a third time and I said "look dude I appreciate that your trying to help but I really don't want any help and I really don't want you moving stuff around in my room. It's my personal space." He asked me why I was being a stubborn b---
I don't like that word. He KNOWS I don't like that word. I finally snapped and said "look dude I don't want you in my room alright as-hole" and he FLIPPED HIS SH*T took an attitude with me like I'm a f*cking 3 yar old having a temper tantrum. Talked down to me and tried to intimidate me.
I said nothing. Because yesterday was the one year anniversary of his sisters death and I understand it has to be hard. And L gets pretty severe anxiety when people fight (childhood trauma I won't go into) so I one again let it go. Or at least I tried to until he said "yeah that's what I f*cking thought" like he thought I was admitted to being in the wrong rather than trying to be kind to that mother f-----
He doesn't pay rent. He doesn't pay utilities. He doesn't pay groceries or Internet or anything else. He doesn't cook and he rarely cleans. But he still has the audacity to disrespect me in MY HOME after everything I've let go and I'm just finally done. On top of it all when L tried to calm him down he screamed at her until she cried.
I waited til they both left for work.
I spent FOUR HOURS writing and revising and making this text nicer and nicer but I told L that he had three days to get his stuff and get out. And if he isn't gone by then I'm putting in a request for a change of locks.
But now she's saying I'm TAH for kicking him out with such short notice and the day after the anniversary and how it's cold and if his parents don't let him come back he'll be sleeping in his car.
But I really just can't find it in myself to care. I've spent months dealing with his bull and I'm livid. He's had plenty of time to save up and find a place and if he hasn't managed yet thats not my problem.
But now L is having this meltdown and crying because she's stressed and she's begged me multiple times now to please reconsider for HER sake. And I'm starting to feel bad about it, solely for her.
So I'm asking for a little perspective here. AITA?
#1
NTA and looks like you’re not the only one with crummy roommates. Unfortunately I cannot get rid of my roommates who eats all my cookies and attempts to feed chocolate to my dog. And copy my essay papers. And gossip about everyone.
But you can get rid of him and that’ll make your life a lot easier. Your sister can be understood but I think the other person’s actions can’t be explained by grief the entire way, so he just gotta be annoying and rude. Kick him out and have a really thorough, civilized conversation (hard if sister is still very upset) to deal with what to do after that.
But you can get rid of him and that’ll make your life a lot easier. Your sister can be understood but I think the other person’s actions can’t be explained by grief the entire way, so he just gotta be annoying and rude. Kick him out and have a really thorough, civilized conversation (hard if sister is still very upset) to deal with what to do after that.
3points
#2
NTA! He doesn’t put effort into anything and by what you wrote, he doesn’t treat you or his girlfriend well. It’s been a year and he doesn’t have money. Not your problem he got so used to freeloading.
3points
#3
NTA! Most definitely NOT! You shouldn't have to put up with disrespect in your own home, especially when you pay ALL the bills, cook, clean etc. He had 3 months to save for a place and if he doesn't pay any bills or buy groceries then he definitely should have had the money 4 times over to get his own place. At this point it almost seems as if he is using his sister's death for sympathy and free ride to sit around and be lazy. That's just my opinion though. But yeah, don't let your sister talk you into letting him stay because it sounds like you've really tried to make it work and he just won't respect you.
2points
#4
NTA
He already overstayed his welcome. Living rent free deserves consideration and respect for those who do pay rent. He's a self entitled loser living off your sympathy. I'd have discussed with L before lowering the boom and kicking him to the curb, but too late now. If L wants him to stay she can pick up his slack.
He already overstayed his welcome. Living rent free deserves consideration and respect for those who do pay rent. He's a self entitled loser living off your sympathy. I'd have discussed with L before lowering the boom and kicking him to the curb, but too late now. If L wants him to stay she can pick up his slack.
2points
#5
I can't believe that he got an attitude with you when you asked him to stay out of your room and your personal space when you pay all the bills and it's your place. Not his. Also him wanting to clean your room sounds like an excuse to go through all of your belongings so if I were you I would do a thorough check of all of your belongings because he probably took a few souvenirs with him since he left his girlfriend without saying goodbye. Also the nonchalance in the note he left her CLEARLY SHOWS that he was just using you both for a free place to stay. I'd be willing to bet that he didn't give up his apartment because of his sister passing away and just didn't want the responsibility anymore and used his sister's death as an excuse to mooch off of his parents and then you and your sister.
And how dare he have the audacity to rearrange your living room without asking. That is so disrespectful and was so him overstepping his boundaries acting like it was his home and his belongings.
.
If someone let me spend a few days crashing at their place I wouldn't rearrange their spare bedroom I'm sleeping in let alone their living room which isn't even a space he was invited to inhabit. If he had rearranged your sister's room I could maybe understand that but he was just straight up RUDE to come in your home and then decide to publicly show that he didn't like your personal style and the way you made your place into YOUR OWN HOME and showed he had no respect for you or your home by effectively erasing your personal space and rearranging it all to fit his tastes when that was soooo not his place to do.
.
If someone let me spend a few days crashing at their place I wouldn't rearrange their spare bedroom I'm sleeping in let alone their living room which isn't even a space he was invited to inhabit. If he had rearranged your sister's room I could maybe understand that but he was just straight up RUDE to come in your home and then decide to publicly show that he didn't like your personal style and the way you made your place into YOUR OWN HOME and showed he had no respect for you or your home by effectively erasing your personal space and rearranging it all to fit his tastes when that was soooo not his place to do.
No one goes into a hotel room and rearranges the entire room because it has a specifically designed layout that was created by the OWNERS and is expected to look the same while someone uses it and after someone leaves it and the same is true for anyone who is a guest in someone else's home.
I'm happy for you to have gotten rid of such a rude person. You have alleviated an unnecessary burden so continue to do so. He is not your responsibility.
2points
#6
NTA! NTA! ONE MORE TIME... NTA!!!
2points
#7
NTA - it’s your personal space and kicking the BF out preserves his dignity and your sanity. Your sister might get over it in time…..like after she dumps him for the way he treats her.
2points
#8
NTA!!! Slimebag miscreant there is just hiding behind his late sister as an excuse to be the absolute POS that he is. I'm just surprised you didn't boot his behind out the door after the frozen meal incidents. Talk to your sister and get her to realize that she was being manipulated and that D is exactly what he is, a douchebag with a capital D. Might also want to warn D that you are not above getting authorities involved if he decides to show his face again.
2points