I've been married to my husband for over 12 years. I used to blame his upbringing because he's sheltered to the point that he spent most of his bachelor years playing video games, arguing about religions and politics, dropping off college but hoping to get rich in the easiest and fastest way possible. Now I realize I don't need to blame anyone. I just want a happy, healthy, peaceful future.
He's still terrible with financial management and communication. His family still thinks I am a broken person whom my husband loved and rescued. I've decided to accept and work around or work with whatever I have.
Yes. I am different. I came from a broken family but I am proud of my roots. It's ok to keep my Asian heritage and choose which church I want to join.
My husband doesn't stand up for me other than marrying me despite the fact that I don't go to the same church as his family. He realized that my church is normal after all so he accepted me as I was.
I'm sorry his family was upset when we got married but we were in our 30s, not underage. He's the oldest and not the first one getting married. In fact, his other siblings all had blended families. They each had children before marrying another parent. OK, one of them didn't have kids yet but married a single mom so another case rescuing others, according to their parents.
We were like the odd couple, found each other later in life, and haven't had children before marriage. I did have severe self-esteem issues. I was a spinster when I met my husband. I want to have many children after marriage and be a present parent like I never had for myself.
We struggled with fertility and we found out that my husband is a part of it too. At first, we thought it was all me because I had ovarian cancer when I was younger. We managed to have a miracle daughter, my reason to live on.
We also struggle financially every now and then because my husband kept on going behind my back to prove that he can make more money but ended up being scammed. He's trying to make it right because he wants to save our marriage.
I'm trying to give him one last chance. Sometimes I'm discouraged. We are still recovering from his last lies and scam.
His other siblings don't have the same problem so they don't want to hear it. I want him to start by communicating with his own family, and tell them what actually happened, I'm not perfect but I am not the one forcing him to get rich quickly and get into trouble. I do get mad and make strict financial plans every time we lose money so we can recover and move on.
But I always make sure I send gifts, money, and cards for every important occasion. I don't buy the most expensive things but I buy whatever is needed and I'd splurge on education for my kid.
I just don't attend his family gatherings anymore because I never felt I can be myself when I am around them. I'm tired of being judged when my husband can't speak up for himself during gatherings.
I apologize. I stop being around them because they often talk about religions, politics, and their prosperous fertility in a way that I don't feel comfortable talking about our struggle. Makes me feel like I am in the wrong religion so I am not blessed like them. I feel pressured to be more Americanized as well.
I prefer to spend time around friends who can talk about other silly things, laugh with me, cry together when needed and casually talk about fertility struggles or any other struggles because life can be unfair sometimes, even to those who are religious, any religion, any race, anyone.
I used to suck it up to avoid drama. It was difficult to divide time and attention between them and my family whom I have adopted since I came to the USA. Seemed like I must devote all my time to them as if I have no one else to make them happy.
But when we do come, we always feel like the extras in movies. I'm never allowed to contribute more to the menu because it won't go with everything else so we'll just buy the exact drinks they ask for. We also just sat and listen to their parenting advice, as if I'm never worthy enough to say anything. We will be the last one staying to clean up because we don't have a bunch of kids to take to bed, which was ok.
Now I will attend in person, only weddings and funerals. I make sure we give generously.
My husband used to celebrate his birthday at his parents' every year so they can throw him a party until a few years back, I just don't want to do that anymore.
I want him to throw his birthday party at our humble place, invite his friends and make it about our family for the day. Not his siblings' families or his parents' friends.
I'm also tired of having to throw at least 2 different parties for the holidays because his family won't mingle with our friends, especially mine.
What really started my rebellion was his birthday party at his parents, a few years ago. I don't like typical birthday parties for myself but I'll do it for others. For me, I just want to go eat out with loved ones for the day. I don't need gifts and decorations.
Anyways, I didn't have much say if my in-laws wanted to do it. What hurt me the most was, at that time, I was almost 8 weeks pregnant and suspected something was wrong. I held my tears the whole time, I needed to make sure the birthday party goes well and talk about nothing else. I told my husband to not say anything. It's not time yet and it's not appropriate.
Even if all is well, I don't announce my own pregnancies. My husband was the one doing that, after assurance that the baby is doing great. In my first pregnancy, my only successful pregnancy, I waited till people ask about my big belly to confirm my suspicion. I want my baby to be safely born before I dare say anything. So far, no other pregnancies we had gone past 1st trimester.
But of course, that night was harder for me because my SIL, my husband's sister had to announce that she was 6 weeks pregnant and must tell the whole world about it. She was asking for prayers because she was nervous that she was already in her 30s by then.
A couple of weeks later, shortly after I miscarried and needed time to myself, she told everyone that they were having twins and my MIL just told us that trying too hard won't make it work, as if there is a certain law that will ensure a successful pregnancy. Plus, we should be happy for his sister.
Every time we stop trying is when it happens but then before we rejoice, we lost it. Anyone who struggles knows how hurtful that is.
I avoid baby showers and most children's birthdays after 4 miscarriages. I also don't throw our daughter's birthday party for his family anymore. My daughter just wants to eat sushi for her birthdays. My friends bring her gifts to our home. My in-laws think I am too dramatic for doing that and they got hurt because I am avoiding their happy and special occasions.
Years after this incident, my BIL got really upset because I had to cancel attending his wedding days before, causing our daughter to not be his flower girl due to the fact that I was bleeding to death and our 3rd miscarriage was in progress. My husband, however, attended with a heavy heart, was his DJ as requested, and was treated like a paid servant. Some guests even pointed out he needs to be home with me during this heartbreaking time.
Oh btw, when we got married, we just had a small backyard wedding with zero money. No one was assigned anything, they just need to come to celebrate with us and my family brought food and cake. We used fake rings. This BIL couldn't attend because he was too sad, his friend passed away weeks before.
We never held grudges whatsoever but years later when he told my husband to choose between his wedding(family) or me, I wish he'd put his foot down then. I never wished to have miscarriages, let alone during wedding season! He did manage to get home in time to be with me when my body passed the fetus out and cried together.
Nine months after his(BIL) wedding, he has a newborn son and another son, less than a year later. Babies come too easy for my SIL and BIL so they still think I am too dramatic.
I'm sorry for this has been a long post. I've stopped hoping for another miracle. I just need to vent.
My PIL are respectfully, civil. I don't need babysitting help so they learn to live with it. SIL and another BIL are bitter with me because when I try to talk, they don't like to hear my side, and cultural differences are too much. Eventually, I just avoid them and they don't even want to speak to me.
As for my husband, he's on probation for at least a year for breaking my heart too many times. I'm not too sad anymore because now I know why I couldn't have more children with him. I don't care about trying to please my in-laws anymore but deep inside, I wish I can talk with them the way I open up to others.
#1
I don't think you're a coward.
I don't think you're rebellious.
I think you're a woman who has had enough.
Darlin', you're a saint.
I think your husband is a coward for not putting his foot down the first time his family disrespected you.
I think they are intimidated by you.
You're a beautiful Asian woman and they are uncomfortable with the cultural differences. I say let's celebrate our differences. If we all had blonde hair and blue eyes, how boring would that be!!
Your faith is different than theirs, let's educate each other and accept our differences.
You've lost so many previous babies, and that makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to say.
I have lost 4 grandchildren to miscarriages and I know, first hand, how devastating that can be.
My condolences and hugs.
You maybe won't ever have the relationship with your in laws that you desire, and maybe leaving them behind is best.
If your husband can't/won't stand by your side, that is a decision he will have to make.
My little piece of advice, lean on faith for guidance. It sounds like you have a great support system in your friends. Use them. That is what friends are for.
And lastly, my dear girl, you remember this:
You are an amazing wife!
You are an amazing mother!
And even if they don't see it, you are an amazing daughter in law.
Take care of your sweet sweet daughter and make sure that she know how much she is loved and valued too.
I don't think you're rebellious.
I think you're a woman who has had enough.
Darlin', you're a saint.
I think your husband is a coward for not putting his foot down the first time his family disrespected you.
I think they are intimidated by you.
You're a beautiful Asian woman and they are uncomfortable with the cultural differences. I say let's celebrate our differences. If we all had blonde hair and blue eyes, how boring would that be!!
Your faith is different than theirs, let's educate each other and accept our differences.
You've lost so many previous babies, and that makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to say.
I have lost 4 grandchildren to miscarriages and I know, first hand, how devastating that can be.
My condolences and hugs.
You maybe won't ever have the relationship with your in laws that you desire, and maybe leaving them behind is best.
If your husband can't/won't stand by your side, that is a decision he will have to make.
My little piece of advice, lean on faith for guidance. It sounds like you have a great support system in your friends. Use them. That is what friends are for.
And lastly, my dear girl, you remember this:
You are an amazing wife!
You are an amazing mother!
And even if they don't see it, you are an amazing daughter in law.
Take care of your sweet sweet daughter and make sure that she know how much she is loved and valued too.
16points
#2
Alright, after I read your story, I realized that you, Are the perfect example of "Be the Best of Whoever You Are". I mean, the thing about your life is that its YOURS. So, you're certainly not a coward and you simply are not REBELLIOUS. I mean, please for dear God's sake, try making yourself happy for once. I wouldn't sympathize with you because what you need is a chat with your best friend. And as for your husband, listen to yourself.
12points
#3
I’ve been judged by my family for years. I didn’t go the academic route when I was young and have been “a disappointment” ever since. I still love them, but I do it on MY terms. Throw one party, if they don’t come, their loss. If you don’t want to go to an event, refuse politely, no explanation. You have to live a life you want, for your own sanity.
9points
#4
It's sad to say it, but it sounds as though you would be much better off if you and your husband went no contact with his family. He chose to marry outside his race and they are treating him like an outsider. They certainly don't treat you like part of the family. They Aren't interested in what your culture could add to theirs. You have not been embraced as family. Your whole post made me sad. I hope things can improve for you. Good luck!
6points
#5
ok. fist of all, you are an amazing human being to go through all of that. very little people could do that in your circumstances. second, you should tell your husband to stick up for you guys. just tell his family to stop being so cruddy. but always remember, you are AWESOME. i hope it gets better for you!!! :)
5points
#6
The husband not sticking up for you.... That is one of the many reasons my marriage failed. When it did I felt like I lost three huge monkeys off my back because my husband, MIL and SIL were no longer allowed to berate me for being so perfectly imperfect. The miscarriages affect everyone differently, there is no wrong way to deal with that pain. You are living the life you chose in a way that you choose. Nothing wrong with that.
5points
#7
I think Asian women are under so much pressure to please their families. I was very fortunate to have wonderful parents who never told me I have to do something to please them. They loved me and didn’t protest when I refused to have children. They accepted me as I am. I’m sorry for women who are forced into ‘traditional’ roles instead of being allowed to make their own choices, like I did.
4points
#8
I think you are dealing with too much pressure, through no fault of your own.
It sounds as though you strive to be the best version of yourself, which is a good thing but can also be incredibly stressful.
You don't owe anything to your husband or his family. They sound very insensitive and ignorant, you probably have more life experience than all of them put together.
I am sorry that you have suffered so much loss, as someone who has miscarried once, I can't imagine having to go through it four times.
I think instead of trying to please other people, you should focus on making yourself happy.
Live your life however you want. You don't owe anyone anything.
It sounds as though you strive to be the best version of yourself, which is a good thing but can also be incredibly stressful.
You don't owe anything to your husband or his family. They sound very insensitive and ignorant, you probably have more life experience than all of them put together.
I am sorry that you have suffered so much loss, as someone who has miscarried once, I can't imagine having to go through it four times.
I think instead of trying to please other people, you should focus on making yourself happy.
Live your life however you want. You don't owe anyone anything.
4points
#9
I am truly sorry for your losses. I know how hard they are to get through. I admire your strength and determination to stay positive through everything. It took me a long time to realize that family isn't always the ones that care the most about you. Before my surgery (hysterectomy), I had quite a few (some unknown until it happened) miscarriages. When my first husband (he passed in '02) and I were attempting to have a child, we lost a few. I also lost a few with my second husband. Then, I realized it just wasn't meant to be for me. I was blessed with a daughter in my first marriage and a son in my second. I raise both alone, without contact from but a few blood relatives (mostly online). I handpicked my family (like you) because they were people I could open up to. People that cared for me and the only thing they wanted from me, well... was me. I am glad that you have your chosen family and a precious mini-you, too. I hope that your marriage works out to how you wish it to be. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Just remember something:
Happiness is only a series of moments. It is up to each of us to connect and cherish those moments. And don't ever forget... YOU are the author and illustrator of your story. You decide how it goes.
Blessings.
Happiness is only a series of moments. It is up to each of us to connect and cherish those moments. And don't ever forget... YOU are the author and illustrator of your story. You decide how it goes.
Blessings.
3points
#10
If anyone thinks you are a coward, they have not read that properly. You are amazing!
3points
#11
Please, please, please get away from these people. You are perfect just the way you are, and stronger than you know. You have done all you can, maybe even more than you should have, to create a peaceable environment. You can't reason with unreasonable people. Love your little girl. Lean on your faith, your family, and your friends while you heal. You deserve a life as wonderful as you. You are neither a coward, nor a rebel. You are a beautiful soul discovering her true worth. ❤
2points
#12
I am so so glad that you have friends you can talk to about anything and everything. It sucks that you don't have that with your husband. Your in-laws sound abominable and understandably you don't want to have much contact with them. Eff them. Live your life on your terms. Make your own happiness. If you still suffer from low self-esteem, maybe seek out a professional. I wish you love and happiness. You do not deserve anything less. 💖
1point