Hey Pandas, Do You Want To Vent? If So, Go Ahead

ok. we’re going to start not from the beginning because that would be around 6-7 yo. most of my life i have been my parents mediator, therapist, punching bag, doormat, you name it. so a bunch of people caught on that i’m an overall easy person to abuse and manipulate so they do. FUN, amirite? recently, my parents marital issues have surfaced and they blame me. without me, they wouldn’t be married. i was born when my mom cheated on her ex (he cheated several times, along with abusing her) and gave birth to me (still married to ex). my mom has borderline personality disorder and lots of trauma and ptsd. my dad has undealt with trauma and abuse too. i’ve always been the person who bottles up feelings and sh- so. fun. i’m trying to get a therapist but there aren’t any available 🫠. all my friends moved away. today however, my mom has decided to only talk to me to rip my head off over every little thing, and the whole time i’m like “no wonder dad has an apartment and a second job”. she screamed at me about how i do nothing all day (i’m the only one doing sh- around the house and keeping it clean. i haven’t eaten a proper meal in a week). on top of that, i’m making sure my dad doesn’t murder her (i mean that figuratively) and my brother doesn’t break everything (he’s got serious anger issues). and the whole time i’m saving their asses by literally never saying anything about how abusive my whole family is. not ONE of my friends know how suicidal i’ve been (i’m getting much better on my own don’t worry) and how much i’ve struggled the past 6 years. i’m 14. i’ve always felt like a problem, always been treated like a problem, and just overall sick of this. SOME GOOD THINGS ABT THIS THO is i know how to make myself laugh, entertain myself and others, get others out of dark places, and matured really fast. ik it’s a lot and no one’s going to read all of this but i feel sooooo much better letting this out 😌 if you did read all of this comment a blue heart at the bottom 💙

my anxiety is getting bad again and life is starting to seem pointless. my doctor recommended these vitamin things for me that are like natural antidepressants but my parents haven't bought them yet. honestly i might be a lot worse right now if i wasn't at a new school, i actually feel a lot calmer about going to school every day and not having to face the people that made the past few years of my life hell. but i'm starting to feel the eyes again. and the itchiness from the anxiety. and the fact that i DON'T have any friends in this school.