Hey Pandas, Post A Joke That You've Wanted To Share With People But Never Got The Chance To

Dirty Joke. Just deal with it. I hope I made some of you laugh with these…What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

This joke is kinda inappropriate

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage

Why do tampons have strings? So you have something to floss with after eating.

Ok this is a dirty one. So if you don’t like that type of humor don’t downvote and just leave/ignore this one. It’ll be better for all of us, ok here: What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog’s fingers.

Ok! This one is also dirty, so again, look away if that’s not your style. I have to put this in front of every dirty joke, because I know how you guys are…ok here: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside of me.

Dirty Joke! Here: "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

You guessed it! Dirty joke. That’s my sense of humor. I know some of you like that stuff too. Here ya go: Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Three white, bigoted, heterosexual men who died separately all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter suddenly appears before them and welcomes them to heaven and explains there's only one rule. Don't step on a duck. All 3 men are confused, but chalk it up to God having a sense of humor. The gates open and all three men walk through. They each begin sharing their story of their life, and how they died, when they begin to hear the noise off in the distance. As they keep walking and talking, the noise begins to get louder and louder. They notice something moving in the distance, and one of them makes the comment that maybe it's an ocean and they are hearing the waves on the shore. They keep walking and realize that the sound isn't water when one of them sees a duck walking. They keep walking and see another duck, and then another, and eventually there are thousands of ducks everywhere. Thinking they understand the rule that God just doesn't want them to harm a duck, they keep walking and talking. One of the men isn't paying attention and accidentally steps on a duck. Quack! St. Peter appears before the three men, with the most unattractive woman they have ever seen, and chains the man and the woman together at the wrist. Before disappearing again, he explains that they will remain that way forever. The other two men understand the rule is far more serious than they first realized and vow to not step on any ducks. A few months go by and the second man isn't paying attention and steps on a duck. Quack! Once again St Peter appears before him with the most unattractive woman he's ever seen, chains them together at the wrist, and before disappearing explains they will remain that way forever. After hearing about the second man, the third man decides to move around only when necessary. A few years go by and the third man is lying under the shade of a tree when St Peter suddenly appears before him with the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. As before he chains them together at the wrist and explains they will stay that way forever and disappears. The man, stunned, comments out loud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?" The woman looks at him and says, " I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck."

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You cannot wash your hands in a buffalo.

Ok I heard this a while back, but Idk if I’ll say it exactly right..so I may have to improvise. A man was trapped in the snow up to his waist, he was going to die soon, and he begged God to save him. A few minutes later a man on a sled came, and told the man to hop on. The man denied saying God would save him. Then, the snow was up to the man’s chest. And another sled came. Same thing happened. The man denied, saying God would save him. Then the snow was up to the man’s chin. The sled came one more time. And yet again, the man denied saying God would save him. Sadly..the man died. When he got into heaven. He asked God “God..why didn’t you save me?” And God said..”I SENT THE SLED 3 TIMES!!”

I’ve seen DP tell this one a few times, it’s an DP classic, and since he’s offline on vacation, I’ll keep his streak of telling it going! Again, this is a dirty joke, so if you don’t like that humor, don’t downvote and just leave. Ok? Thanks! Here: A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend. So he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his best friend in his peanut gallery(you know what that is). The hitman agrees and says he charges $100 PER BULLET. The man agrees. Later they set up from across the way of the hotel room the two are in, and the hitman looks through the sniper scope and says “I can save you $100..”

I hope people don’t get offended by this one. Remember! It’s just a joke. Just a joke, don’t take it seriously. I’m not trying to offend you or anything. It’s just a joke! Also I don’t really get this one..so if someone could kindly explain this one to me in the comments? That would be great. Here: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH nevermind! I get it! Holy sh-🤣

I think most of you have heard this one, it just seems familiar to me, idk tho. Anyways! What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.

K I’m gonna stop putting dirty joke in front of all of em. Is annoying..here! What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Bit of a long one (and a rude), but I think it's worth it:

François, a famous French fighter pilot, was on a picnic date in the countryside with beautiful red-headed woman.
A little into the date, she says to to him, 'Oh François, this is so romantic... Kiss me!'
He reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out a bottle of red wine, rips the cork out with his teeth, splashes the wine all over her mouth, and proceeds to kiss her like she has never been kissed before.
Breathless, she says, 'François!... That was amazing... but... why the red wine?'
'Because I am François, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat, I have red wine!'
'Oh François!', she says glancing around, 'Kiss me again... but lower'
François reaches in the picnic basket again, pulls out a bottle of white wine, rips the cork out like before, tears open her blouse, splashes her breasts with the white wine, and begins to kiss her bosom like she'd never been kissed before.
Breathless again, she says, 'François!... That was amazing... but... why the white wine?'
'Because I am François, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I have white wine!'
'Oh François!', she says, now really excited, 'Kiss me again... but lower'.
François lifts her skirt, reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out a bottle of cognac, splashes it all over her f***y. Then he lights a match and throws it in.
'François!!!!' She screams, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING???'
'I am François! The famous French fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!'

Colgate toothpaste lied to me, it said on the ads ‘white in 14 days’, but I’ve been using it for 3 months and I still look Asian

Back in the Wild West a dog went into a saloon and went up to the bar and asked for a whiskey. The bartender said “we don’t serve your kind in here.” The dog persisted and the bartender again said “no.” The dog tried to get served one more time when the bartender pulled out a shotgun from under the bar and shot the dog in the foot! The dog ran out of the bar limping.
Two years later, the doors to the same saloon swung open and there was a dog dressed in black leather chaps and vest with a gun-belt. He walked up to the bar and the bartender gulped and asked “can I help you sir?”
The dog looked at him and said “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”