Hey Pandas, Post Your Dark Jokes. There Shall Be No Light (Closed)

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

im not trying to be racist but what do you call a blind German? a not see.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between a hooker and 23 dead babies?

There aren't any hookers in my basement.

Kid: Mom what's Dark Humor?
The Mom: See that kid with no hands? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But Mom, I'm blind.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

my grief counselor died the other day.
he was so good at his job, i dont even care.

a friend asked for a first aid kit but I only had a second aid kit. mysteriously he died a few minutes later.

one day i gave a blind kid a gun. then i told him it was a hair dryer

5 year old: I want to die in my sleep like grandpa!
13 year old sister: I want to die screaming like everyone else in the car!

I once had a friend who was dying in my hands, and I couldn’t do anything about it. For some reason, he really wanted me to have his epipen.

I cried when my dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

whats long, dark and makes your wife scream when i put it in her mouth: my gun, im holding your wife hostage send me 6000 dollars within the next hour

I have a few:
1. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

2. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

3. They say you can feel a shiver if someone is watching you. It's been 9 months, and I can tell you don't have that sense.

4. I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

5. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

6. There's a huge difference between saying "I'm Sorry" and "I apologize". I learned the hard way at my friend's funeral.

not really dark but people get mad when i say it. at the Boston Tea Party they really dad say "spill the tea sis"

Abortion isn't murder it is simply cancelling a pre-order.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

News: China has railways that go through buildings
Yeah, China, you aren’t special, in America, we have planes go through buildings.