No joke is too dark, dirty, offensive, funny, childish, smart, or stupid for this post.
#1
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other ... Damnit!
9points
#2
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Why is 10 traumatised? Because 10 in the middle of 9/11.
5points
#3
Most of the jokes here are about 9 11 and racism and dark and other bad stuff. Here's a palate cleanser.
I asked a subway worker to make me a tuna sandwich. He took the tongs, waved them around, and said "abracadabra you are a tuna sandwich"
5points
#4
Helen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table, then a chair.
Then a table, then a chair.
3points
#5
No joke too dirty?
*What do you call a man who has sex eith rabbits? Elmer F**k.
*A man walks into a whorehouse and asks for a woman. The madame of the house tells him that since it is a busy night all the girls are busy, unless he wanted a 90 year old woman. He reluctantly agrees and takes the old woman into a room. They start going at it until the man stops. "You're not wet yet" he tells her. "Just a moment, sonny" she replied and she walked into the bathroom. She gets back into bed 2 minutes later and they continue. Afterward, the man asks the old hooker, "How did you get so wet so fast?" "Simple, sonny" she replies. "I picked my scabs."
*What do you call a man who has sex eith rabbits? Elmer F**k.
*A man walks into a whorehouse and asks for a woman. The madame of the house tells him that since it is a busy night all the girls are busy, unless he wanted a 90 year old woman. He reluctantly agrees and takes the old woman into a room. They start going at it until the man stops. "You're not wet yet" he tells her. "Just a moment, sonny" she replied and she walked into the bathroom. She gets back into bed 2 minutes later and they continue. Afterward, the man asks the old hooker, "How did you get so wet so fast?" "Simple, sonny" she replies. "I picked my scabs."
3points
#6
My Biology teacher: "You guys were so bad at posting your project videos on the Canvas page! I had to shrink so many of them, you should have seen how big some of them were!"
Me to my friend: "That's what she said!"
My friend: *pretends to stab me with his pencil*
3points
#7
You see a pet shop but us monsters see a delicatessen.
3points
#8
What do you call a girl you've dated once before? Chick-ago
3points
#9
What do you call a girl you've once dated? Chick-ago
3points
#10
What do you call a man carrying a shotgun? 'Sir'
3points
#11
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great -great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great -great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
3points
#12
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and
healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
"Do you think I'll live a long and
healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
3points
#13
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."
3points
#14
I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!
3points
#15
A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, Y, and z, and × and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
3points
#16
Last one: A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
3points
#17
How is a religion like a p#nis?
It’s fine to have one, it’s fine not to have one. The problems start when you start shoving it down children’s throats.
It’s fine to have one, it’s fine not to have one. The problems start when you start shoving it down children’s throats.
2points
#18
What do Batman and dentures have in common?
They both come out at night.
They both come out at night.
2points
#19
What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into a store without Robin.
2points
#20
How do you surprise a blind guy?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
2points