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I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years. We have three kids together. He used to be a social drinker, but over the last couple of years, he’s become an excessive drinker. Recently, we went to my in-laws for a birthday party, and he had a bunch of beers.
He thinks he can drive better than me when he’s drunk. I had to use my phone for GPS to get back home, and he got mad at me for being on the phone
Image credits: Mark Cruz (not the actual photo)
He started screaming at me in front of the kids. I told him he didn’t have to scream at me since I was sitting right next to him.
I’ve been putting up with him and his drinking for too long already
Image credits: Al Elmes (not the actual photo)
I’ve noticed he becomes violent—not physically, but verbally—when he drinks, and I don’t want to deal with that anymore. The kids started crying. If I leave him, I know he’ll blame me, but if I stay, the kids and I will continue to endure his behavior. I don’t know what to do.
Expert’s Advice
This seems to be a challenging and deeply emotional situation, and it’s completely understandable to feel conflicted and uncertain about what steps to take next. Here are some things you could do or consider as you navigate this situation.
1. Prioritize Safety
The well-being and safety of you and your children are the most critical concerns. Verbal aggression, especially in front of children, can have a lasting emotional impact. Consider whether the current environment is safe and stable for you and your kids. If there is any risk of the verbal aggression escalating to physical violence, it may be wise to have an exit plan in place. Trusted friends, family members, or local support organizations can help create a temporary or long-term plan if needed.
2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Feeling exhausted, hurt, and unsure is entirely valid. You’ve been managing this situation for a long time, and your emotions are a signal that change is necessary. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel without judgment and to recognize that you are not at fault for your husband’s behavior or choices. Journaling, talking to a friend, or working with a therapist can help you process your emotions and clarify your next steps.
3. Understand the Impact on the Children
Children are highly affected by conflict and instability in the home, even if they don’t always express it openly. Witnessing verbal aggression can make them feel unsafe and emotionally distressed, as seen when they cried during the recent incident. By addressing the situation, you are also advocating for their emotional health and showing them how to establish boundaries in unhealthy dynamics.
4. Communicate with Your Husband (If Safe)
If you feel it is safe to do so, consider having an open conversation with your husband when he is sober. Express your concerns calmly and focus on how his drinking and behavior are impacting you and the children. Use “I” statements, such as, “I feel hurt and worried when you yell in front of the kids.” Avoid placing blame, as this can lead to defensiveness. However, set firm boundaries about what you will no longer tolerate in your home.
5. Explore Support Options for Him
Excessive drinking often points to underlying issues like stress, depression, or trauma. If your husband is open to it, encourage him to seek support, such as counseling, or attending a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s important to note that his willingness to change is key; you cannot force him to seek help if he is not ready.
It’s clear that you care deeply about your family and want to make the best decision for yourself and your children. Take your time, seek professional and emotional support, and trust your instincts as you navigate this journey. You deserve peace and stability in your home, and it’s okay to take steps to achieve that.
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