Hey Pandas Tell Me One Messed Up Joke That Is Actually Funny

WARNING this may come across slightly disturbing
How do you put a baby in a bucket? A blender.
How do you get it back out again? Tortilla chips 😋!
What’s the best part about dead baby jokes? They never get old 😀

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, “Knock knock,” we’d say, “Who’s there?”
Then she’d say, “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother.

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Give a man a match
He'll be warm for a day
Light a man on fire
He'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The reason I don't consider pets as family:
My uncle had 4 cats he considered his children.
He also had a serious heart condition.
One day he had a heart attack in the bathroom.
a couple days later someone came in to find his family hunched over eating his remains.