One boundary I set recently has freed me from lot of trauma and stress and it in fact made my relationship better with my spouse!
We have been married for 12 years and my in-laws always treated me as an out cast. Their expectations from me are high though. I must attend all functions from their side. We must visit them once in a while to check on their well-being and whenever they visit we must give them star hotel treatment by cooking and serving although we are working full-time and taking care of our child while they doesn't even lift a finger and never even baby sat my kid. We slowly cut short most of the demands over the years but there are still few civil things I am expected to do while they are here or we are required to visit them once in a while.
So the realization point hit me when last year my mother has passed away suddenly with heart attack and my in-laws chose to visit me to give their condolences after 12 days. They couldn't travel before as there was some festival. They never told us they were coming and on the same dates as their arrival I and my sister were traveling to my parents place for a couple of days to do few final settlements there. Meanwhile my husband stayed back at home as my father was with us and he was in no condition to take care of anything. I got to know they were coming to our house when I reached my parents place and I was relieved since my MIL would take care of the food and in-laws would be helpful to my husband as he needs to take care of both my father and my kid. To my surprise they didn't come to our home after learning the fact that I Wasn't home and instead stayed at their daughter's place in the same city and visited us for an hour when I returned and left. This has been an eye opener to my husband more than me. After few months they decided to move to the same city as us since they are getting old, they would need help from their kids and bought a house and everything. They never told me about this, I only heard it from my husband. Come the day of shifting, my MIL called me asked me to come over with food and to help with the moving and house setup.
At this point I decided, there is no place for such people either in my life or mental space or time. I had an honest conversation about this with my husband. "Neither I am gonna make any effort to meet them nor I am gonna stop you from doing so. For me they no longer exist. you owe me to protect me from all this drama going forward for the trauma I have experienced through out the years just for your sake. I will not cause any drama also I will not be civil. I will not call or accept any of their expectations from them . IF they ask I will say I can't accommodate that. We will not be spending the holidays or visiting them frequently while they did not even care enough to tell me that they are moving. I do not want this topic to drive a wedge between you and me. We have a great relation and it will continue to grow as long as you do not expect or force me to be nice to your parents just because it's the easiest way to do so for you. I do not expect you to fight my battles with them for me. I am expecting you to understand that for me the battle doesn't even exist. When you can't tell your parents not to bother me or treat me better. It is not fair for you to ask me to be nice to them."
Let me tell you how much my life has improved after this. My husband always realized this but he has his own struggles setting boundaries with them. But now he is also clear on how we want to pursue this in the future. No dramas, No confrontations, No discussions, No efforts to repair the relationship that never even existed in first place. If they call my husband asking for something, he guides them on how to hire help. When we visit his sister if my in-laws are already there, we say quick 'Hello' and that's that. We make our own plans for our holidays and only inform our in-laws if they contact us during that time period.Life is good again!
We have been married for 12 years and my in-laws always treated me as an out cast. Their expectations from me are high though. I must attend all functions from their side. We must visit them once in a while to check on their well-being and whenever they visit we must give them star hotel treatment by cooking and serving although we are working full-time and taking care of our child while they doesn't even lift a finger and never even baby sat my kid. We slowly cut short most of the demands over the years but there are still few civil things I am expected to do while they are here or we are required to visit them once in a while.
So the realization point hit me when last year my mother has passed away suddenly with heart attack and my in-laws chose to visit me to give their condolences after 12 days. They couldn't travel before as there was some festival. They never told us they were coming and on the same dates as their arrival I and my sister were traveling to my parents place for a couple of days to do few final settlements there. Meanwhile my husband stayed back at home as my father was with us and he was in no condition to take care of anything. I got to know they were coming to our house when I reached my parents place and I was relieved since my MIL would take care of the food and in-laws would be helpful to my husband as he needs to take care of both my father and my kid. To my surprise they didn't come to our home after learning the fact that I Wasn't home and instead stayed at their daughter's place in the same city and visited us for an hour when I returned and left. This has been an eye opener to my husband more than me. After few months they decided to move to the same city as us since they are getting old, they would need help from their kids and bought a house and everything. They never told me about this, I only heard it from my husband. Come the day of shifting, my MIL called me asked me to come over with food and to help with the moving and house setup.
At this point I decided, there is no place for such people either in my life or mental space or time. I had an honest conversation about this with my husband. "Neither I am gonna make any effort to meet them nor I am gonna stop you from doing so. For me they no longer exist. you owe me to protect me from all this drama going forward for the trauma I have experienced through out the years just for your sake. I will not cause any drama also I will not be civil. I will not call or accept any of their expectations from them . IF they ask I will say I can't accommodate that. We will not be spending the holidays or visiting them frequently while they did not even care enough to tell me that they are moving. I do not want this topic to drive a wedge between you and me. We have a great relation and it will continue to grow as long as you do not expect or force me to be nice to your parents just because it's the easiest way to do so for you. I do not expect you to fight my battles with them for me. I am expecting you to understand that for me the battle doesn't even exist. When you can't tell your parents not to bother me or treat me better. It is not fair for you to ask me to be nice to them."
Let me tell you how much my life has improved after this. My husband always realized this but he has his own struggles setting boundaries with them. But now he is also clear on how we want to pursue this in the future. No dramas, No confrontations, No discussions, No efforts to repair the relationship that never even existed in first place. If they call my husband asking for something, he guides them on how to hire help. When we visit his sister if my in-laws are already there, we say quick 'Hello' and that's that. We make our own plans for our holidays and only inform our in-laws if they contact us during that time period.Life is good again!