Hey Pandas, Vent Your Trauma

I don't really consider this trauma cause' i don't remember it but here it is anyway.

My birth parents severely neglected me and my twin. (which is a form of abuse) We almost died on multiple occasions and were suffering from starvation and lots of other health issues. we were living off of food stamps and practically homeless in between apartments we got evicted from. I practically raised myself and my twin and have had trust issues and a form of OCD ever since. It really affected who I am as a person even though it was a long time ago. I was officially adopted by my bio aunt and uncle when I was 4 and I'm 14 now. We spent hours on end locked in a room with nothing but a crusty mattress they found on the side of the road and I had to scream to wake them up so we could be fed, and sometimes that didn't work because they were probably drunk or not even home for all we knew. My birth dad lives with my grandparents and I don't know where my birth mom is. I think she's in a mental hospital in Washington but to be honest, I have no clue, and no reason to care.

Anyways... that's it. :D

I was raped when I was 17. I was at a party and flirting with this guy, so we went to another room to fool around. It was fine, until I was going down on him and he started getting rough. Aggressively pushing his d**k down my throat. I told him to ease up. He told me to 's**t up' and continued. I pulled away and told him to stop. That's when he bashed my head in and f**ked my throat until I threw up. He called me disgusting and punched me again. I went numb. How I chose to deal with that trauma initially was to do drugs and sleep around. At the time, in my mind, I thought by sleeping around I could rewrite what had happened. About a year later, I was hanging out with a couple of friends, drinking, and partying in an abandoned house. I don't remember how we got to this topic, but we were talking about sex and I said something like 'it's been a while since I got any'. Little while later, Heather, one of the people I was hanging out with gave me and my other friend some pills. We were already plastered, but popped them anyway. I don't know what they were, but I could hardly move. My other friend passed out Heather asked me if I 'still wanted to get some', and I said 'yeh!' She leaves and comes back later with 3 guys that she was apparently friends with. I was on the floor and she says something like 'these guys will help you out.' I didn't really know what she was talking about. Then one of the guys took off my pants and shoved himself inside me. The other 2 guys took turns putting their d**ks in my mouth. I could hardly move. At the time I convinced myself that I wanted it because that's better than what really happened. I had been raped, again. Even worse, in my eyes, a woman helped these guys rape me. It took me years to call it rape. And a few more to realize it wasn't my fault. It doesn't matter that I was partying, that I was fooling around, that I flirted, what was done to me was not my fault. I didn't ask for it. I have gotten help to deal with my trauma. I'm 37 now, and sometimes I still think I was responsible, at least in part, for what happened. I wish I wouldn't still think that, even if it's rare. I will continue to work on myself.