Hey Pandas, What Are Some Funny True Stories? (Closed)

I once was at my cousin's, I needed to wash off my hands so i went to one of those buckets with a tap, I pressed on the button and held out my hand, and it was brown. I said, "The water is brown! And it's sticky!" Then someone says, "That's tea..."

Once, my brother ate his toenail because he thought it was a piece of string cheese😂😂😂 it’s been about a year since he told me, and i still laugh about it to this day

Oh my god. So this needs a small bit of context before hand.

My sister and I are two of the clumsiest people you ever could meet. I don't know why we are the way we are, it's just a sad fact of life. We've learned to laugh at our misfortune.

Our dad is absolutely one of the most graceful men in the planet. He could walk a tightrope balancing a glass on his head and not break a sweat. So on the extremely rare occasion he drops something or slips on a patch of ice or has any sort of bad luck really, it's almost always hilarious.

That being said, last October he told me a story I'd never heard before.
APPARENTLY, when my older sister (Lex) was like two years old, he'd taken her to a little fall festival. He thought she'd like the petting zoo and pumpkins I guess.
The way he tells it...

"So you know, I'm walking down the street, pushing your sister in the stroller, we're having a good old time, it's nice weather, there's music, I've got some beers in the bottom of the stroller... And the next thing I know, her blanket gets caught under the wheel and it tips the whole thing over. Lex is strapped in and I'm not thinking straight because I just ate pavement, so my first thought was "Oh sh*t my beer!" And then "Oh sh*t my kid!" And this set the tone for the whole day. Once I calmed her down, I took her the see the animals, and she tried to headbutt a baby goat and lost. The rabbits scared her. And the turtle nearly bit her. So I figured maybe the petting zoo wasn't the best idea and I took her to feed the fish instead. We're doing great, having a good time, she's throwing handful and handful of fish food at the pond... And then a bunch of geese spotted us. Next think I know I've got Lex in my arms, I've abandoned the beer, I've abandoned the stroller, and I'm just gunning it to the car as fast as I can with these HUGE a** geese trying to nip at my ankles. I got the the car, strapped her in, took off one of my shoes and threw it at the d*mn birds, and took off."

After all of this my sister turned to look at him just reeaall slow and goes.. "so you cursed me. That's what Im hearing. You took me to a festival, threw me out of a stroller. And you cursed me."

"I didn't CURSE you! You were already knocking into things long before that. Nearly cracked your head open the first time you tried to walk! If anything, YOU cursed ME! I lost a shoe that day!"

This led to a 15 minute long debate where I just sat in the corner, tears running down my face and gasping for air.

I was around 20 when this happened. So one of my friends had this creepy witches head that cackled that he had been scaring the c**p out of me with on occasion. One night, me and a group of 5 or 6 people went out to our spot in the nearby to drink and smoke. It was a boat launch surrounded by forest, but had a short trail to a clearing with a picnic table. We're all, (except for our driver) smoking and drinking. I'm pretty stoned at this point. I went to the car for something and was walking down the trail to meet up with the rest of the group. It was really dark, and surrounded by trees. It was creepy even if I wasn't stoned. Anyway, about halfway down the trail my friend jumped out of the woods with that damn creepy witch head cackling and I immediately screamed, punched the head and f**king booked it out of there! I was not playing around haha! Of course, I quickly realized that it I was not in danger, and it was just my friend. Everyone laughed and made fun of me for a while. Even like 15 years later. But I stand by my actions! It may have just been a Halloween decoration, but I think my reaction was perfect. Scream, hit, and run! If there was actually an assailant in the woods I would have survived to tell this story, just under a different post.

this is a tad boring in the beginning, so bear with me. when i was about seven or eight, i loved shredded cheese. i also loved pomelos, which my brother's friend's family would sometimes give to us because they grew all sorts of stuff, pomelos included. one day, my mother had sliced a pomelo, and i was dashing between a bowl of shredded cheese i was dining on and the sliced pomelo. while i had stopped at the pomelo plate to grab some pomelo, i noticed something. it was the right length and color to be a short piece of shredded cheddar jack cheese. clearly, i thought it was a piece of shredded cheese i had accidentally dropped, and being the carefree child i was, i made a move to eat it. but then.. it MOVED! i came to the obvious conclusion that i had discovered a moving piece of shredded cheese. mind you, i had NO IDEA what a maggot looked like. i awaited my fame for being the very first person to find a moving piece of cheese. i was utterly delighted. young me loved my mobile cheese. so anyways it was a maggot and apparently the pomelos that my entire family had been eating were infested with maggots and i never got my fame.

We loved our Uncle because he showed genuine interest in us and was so much fun. One day he was swinging my brother by the heals, eventually letting him down gently in the grass. Then he covered his mouth and started repeating: I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! What? My brother stood up and almost an entire pile of dog poop was stuck to the top of his head. Couldn't have scooped it cleaner off the lawn if we tried. But Uncle and I couldn't bear to say what we were seeing and watched as it slowly dawned on my little brother, with tears.

i almost got murdered by an orange

Me and my best friends were on a sleepover at my house and binge-watching three horror movies all the night, screaming and eating junk food. So in the middle of the night there’s suddenly a huge crash downstairs, and we all freeze, and the cursed marionette jumps out in the TV but we couldn’t care less because the noise downstairs is WAY scarier. We debated about it and ended up going downstairs armed with pillows and lamps, but discovered it was my two cats choosing that moment to annihilate my mug.

ok it’s short but im one of the most scaredy-cat people you’ll meet. I woke up around 3am and freaked out cos i forgot i left my big coat on my cello case and it looked like a person lmao, so i basically screamed and ran to wake up my roommate who threw himself into my room holding an empty vodka bottle like a sword lmao and when he turned on the light he basically called me a “little sh*t” and slapped me and went back to bed

ever since then i keep my cello case in my closet

One summer day, I decided to clean out the goldfish pond (critters had eaten all the fish). I figured I could siphon the pond and get it really cleaned out. I had never used a siphon before, but had the general idea of how it worked. I got a short piece of hose, put my mouth on one end of the hose and began siphoning out the water (and gunk) in the bottom of the plastic pond. My husband walked by as I began to start the siphon, and was telling me not to do it. Too late, I got a mouthful of goldfish c**p.

i might make a couple posts on here...first one:

in choir i was talking to my friends and my little adhd brain was focused on the conversation and we were going to our chairs and went i tried to sit down........I missed the chair.

I work with an idiot colleague who for some reason seems to be impervious to sacking (my fella and I reckon she's blackmailing the boss with something). She regularly f***s up, slacks off, doesn't do her duties or outright won't turn up for work at all. I have a million stories about 'D' but we'll just stick with this one. We work in security, so spend a lot of time in the office watching the cameras. Anyway, one day a resident in the building (17f) comes down to the office to report a problem somewhere. She looks through the little glass window and can't see D at the desk, so she knocks. Suddenly, D's head pops out from behind the desk (we have a camera which records in the office too, so she was clearly hiding from it) and she's red in the face and looks totally flustered. Instead of getting right up to answer the door to the resident, D took at least a full minute to get up from behind the desk - but not before this resident saw D zipping her fly back up. She'd been having a wank underneath the desk!!!!! The most horrifying part though, was that because D knew she'd been made, she panicked and the minute she opened the door to the resident, she tried to shake her hand!!!!!!!!! Seriously, HOW does this woman still work for us?

One Halloween my older siblings dressed me up in Raggedy Anne’s dress. Painted my face like a French whore & had me stand @ the curb(busy street) waving to passing cars. I was so stoked. I thought I so cool. A six or seven year old boy.

second:

in band i was trying to do the thing on snare drum where you flip the left stick and hit the drum, if that makes sense, and I kind of...flung the stick. and it hit the suspended cymbal and the teacher wasnt there that day but my friend, the TA yelled at me saying "THIS ISNT MARCHING BAND ASHEN, SIT UR @SS DOWN" T-T (i can do the trick, i just failed that time)