Hey Pandas, What Are Some Things You Need To Get Off Your Chest? (Closed)

The sweater that I'm wearing

I have HUGE crush on my bsf and i dunno what to do about it cuz there’s no way he’d ever like me.

I have been identifying as aroace for a bit now but I have a semi- romantic, mostly platonic, not sure if sexual, crush on a very good friend of mine. I’m stuck questioning and it’s not how I want to start off the new year. Plus he’s an ace already dating someone ( though his relationships never last long). However I am not sure how he views making out ( on terms on whether it is a romantic or sexual activity since views vary). I really like him but I have trust issues so knowing me I will just start randomly avoiding him/ghosting him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety and making me a bit depressed.

Aside from that, I have almost recovered from some eating disorders and one of the first things my grandma says to me this morning is how thin I look. Also I have been struggling with my obsessive-compulsive tendencies and it’s getting in the way of my sleeping,which is worsening my anxiety and depression. Finally, my therapist says I am exhibiting symptoms of a schizophrenia related mental illness and also bipolarism ( the second of which I sorta expected) and I already have so much on my plate between literally everything and its making me really nervous.
In conclusion, things could be better.

The other night my mind managed to convince me my sister was going to off her self the second I feel asleep and I had a panic attack and cried until 3am before I finally put on my headphones and some music quietly and fell asleep

My grandmother died three years ago and I still think it’s my fault, she was my best friend and I still feel like I could’ve done more. Every day I feel like I’m nothing, that I’m not good enough, and that I’ll never be whole. I just want to die so I can be at peace again. I hate self awareness.