Hey Pandas, What Is The Funniest Joke You Know? (Closed)

This is a long one so bare with me here.

3 men are standing at the gates of Heaven and St. peter tells the men "well guys Heaven is getting kind of full so I will only allow one of you guys in today. And the one with the most horrible death will get in."

Guy #1: " Well I was suspecting my wife of cheating on me for sometime, so I got home early from work to catch her in the act. Knowing someone was there I search the entire apartment. Didn't find anyone, until in an effort to calm down I went to the balcony and there was a man hanging on to the railing for dear life. I got so mad I started to stomp on his fingers but he still clung on, then I went and got a hammer, Mind you I live on the 24th floor of my apartment complex, so I hit this guys fingers and he finally lets go and he falls 24 stories on to some bushes. but before he could move I grab the fridge and toss it over the balcony and kill him. Then in my rage I had a heart attack and died. That's why I am here"

Guy #2: " I live on the 25th floor of my apartment complex and was doing my daily balcony exercises when I slipped and miraculously grabbed the railing on the 24th floor. So there I was clinging to life when this crazy man started stomping on my fingers. I hung on fighting the pain. Then he grabs a hammer and hits my hand and I let go falling 24 stories on to some bushes, when I landed I was stunned but alive. But before I could move he throws a fridge on me and kills me instantly and that's why I am here."

Guy #3: " I was the naked guy inside the refrigerator."

If I had a dollar every time a girl found me unattractive I would be found attractive.

What's grey and lights up?
An elephant when you tell them they're beautiful

They told me I would be no good at poetry because I am Dyslexic. But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they look lovely!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"

If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dog, I'd have a pound.

I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!!

So I went to the bank today and this woman asked if I could check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over.

A man after buying a parrot, is frustrated that the parrot is cursing up a storm, being aggressive, and just acting terrible so the man decides in order to teach the bird a lesson he will put it in the freezer. Maybe the cold will calm him down. So he grabs the birds, shoves him in the freezer and for like 2 minutes the parrot is squawking and throwing a fit. Then the man hears a small knock on the freezer door. He opens it up and out comes the parrot calm and with his head down. The parrot says "Sir, I am sorry for my recent impropriety, I have acted unpleasant and I am truly sorry." The man says "apology accepted." then the parrot says "sir, might I ask a question?" the man says "you may " Parrot: "well sir, I noticed that when I was cursing and biting you threw me in the freezer for my actions. So I was wondering what did the chicken do?"

Donald Trump's hair

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

3 priests die and get to the gates of St Peters. St Peters tells them, "since all three of you lived near perfect lives, I will allow you to go and commit one sin. You then can return, drink from the Holy Water and then enter into Heaven."

All 3 priests leave and return the next day.

When they returned, St Peter asked the first priest, "What sin did you commit?" The first priest responds, "I committed adultery." St. Peter responds, "Go drink from the Holy Water"

St Peter then asks the second priest, "What sin did you commit?" The second priest responds, "I got drunk and did drugs." St Peter tells his, "Go drink from the Holy Water."

St Peter then turns to the third priest and says, "What sin did you commit?" The third priest turns to St Peter and says, "I peed in the Holy Water."

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

This one is a little bit naughty. There's a bus with an old man on it. A teenage punk gets on the bus and sits across from him. He has a mohawk with hair dyed all the colors of the rainbow and has piercings and tattoos everywhere imaginable. The old man keeps looking at him. Finally the teenager asks "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy in your life before?" "As a matter of fact, yes. Back when I was in the Vietnam War, I once got really drunk and had s*x with a parrot in the jungle. I was wondering if you might be my son."

A father and son from a small hick town visit the big city. They are amazed at all the modern things they see. They watch as an older lady gets on the elevator and the doors close. A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young lady exits. The man turns to his son and says "Quick! Go fetch yer Ma!"

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

The local post master was having a baby shower. Her coworker asked "Is it mail or Email?"

first post ever! yay :)

A man walks into a pet store looking for a parrot. The attendant brings out the three parrots he has on stock.
attendant: " I must warn you, these are pretty expensive as I am out of normal parrots."
The man says: "OK, how much for this one?"
attendant: " 200 dollars"
The man is shocked at the price as he expected to only pay around 50 dollars and asks:" what is so special about this one?"
attendant:" well, it can parrot but also converse and even do basic arithmetic."
The man is impressed with the skill of the bird and feels the price justified and goes to ask about the second parrot.
Attendant: "This one is 300 dollars".
Slightly shocked at the large price increase the man asks what is special about the bird.
Attendant:" well, it can do all the things the previous parrot can but can also translate what you say into seven different languages and can draw portraits of anyone it has ever seen."
Again impressed with the skill of the bird, he informs about the third parrot.
Attendant: "This one is 2000 dollars."
Man:" WOW that is crazy compared to the other 2 parrots. What can this guy do?
Attendant: "Nothing really, but the other two birds call him Boss..."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter you call him, he's not gonna come.

A bear and a rabbit go to take a dump in the woods. While they're squatting there, the bear says, "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "Why, no, I don't."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.