Hey Pandas, What Was The Best Roast You Ever Said To Someone? (Closed)

I have a list right here when I was only 7

Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.

One time i was in an argument with my friend and they said want to fight? and I said no because that would be animal abuse I'm now the roast god at my school

The boy at school made fun of my favorite headband. I just rolled my eyes and said "Tell me, is your butt jealous of the amount of s**t coming out of your mouth?"

As a teen, a bunch of us were hanging out. I had just got my eyebrow pierced. (I don't have it anymore lol) Some friend of a friend looked at me (I'm a female he was male) and said, I have my d**k pierced. As if that was to make me go all swoony on him. I just said mmhmm. He went on to say "Yea you should hear the bitches moan... you know ribbed for her pleasure." (or some retarded ass thing along those lines.) I said, "Bro, if you have to have your d**k pierced to pleasure a woman, you weren't doing it right in the first place."

one time in elementary school an annoying girl cam up to me and said "are you wearing 2 different colored hairties" I said yeah and she said "well that's ugly" so I said "you know what else is ugly? that look on your face so wipe it off before I smack it off"

I once told this girl that her eyebrows were thinner than cheap toilet paper.

A guy at my school had just said, is it hot in here or is it just me? He meant that like calling himself handsome, I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Dude. Your face is birth control.” And I walked away.

I don't think I've ever delivered a roast, but this always sticks in my mind:
Barman: "Are you a fighting man?"
Me: “No...why?”
Barman: “Well, you didn’t get a face like that by smiling”
I was both deeply embarrassed and so amused, I think I just laughed

A buddy and I were slowly driving by an Arby's and I pointed to it saying we should stop for lunch. There happened to be two girls sitting out front (one snobby popular looking type, one frumpy bookish type), and the snobby one thought we were checking her out an yelled. "What the hell are you looking at?" In a moment of inspiration I yelled back, "Your friend!" The car was moving so I never got to see their reactions, but I know in my heart that it was priceless.

Me and my friend were painting and my friend said my painting was ugly. So I said: “it’s prettier than your personality!” She turned out to be a toxic friend, and I could kind of tell.

One time, there was this kid in my neighborhood that bullied my little brother. My dad asked me what is the meanest thing that I could say to him. I answered, “Get out of my face before my fist goes in yours.”

Not really a roast, but I was about to get into a fight and I said, "Got a preferred hospital?"

mine is when dirty ass homophobe telling me that I was sin and i would go to hell etc so i said I've searched high and low through mountains and deserts from countries to states to cities to find where f*****g cared. another one is a guy was like being a bitch a attempting to roast me so I just said I would roast you but my mom said not to burn trash XD

This girl in my art class was talking to her friend, she was being so loud and annoying. Nobody wanted to hear about her life, and even the teacher looked ready to punch her. After many people had asked her to be quieter or stop, I had finally had enough. I grabbed some scissors, and handed them to her, and said "Here are some scissors Mellisa*, because you need to cut it out". She shut up after that. : )
Not really a roast, but I felt pretty powerful. I was also a really petty and passive aggressive child when I was younger.
* Name was changed for person's privacy

Here are a couple I’ve used:
Girl in my class: You’re so unapproachable. You always listen to music and never talk to anyone.
Me: And yet, here you are.
In second grade:
Guy: I have a crush on you.
Me: It will go away.
Lastly in middle school:
Guy who I had a project with (who btw was an annoying bitch who would always try to get my answers even though he could do the work): I don’t know, give me your answers
Me: Sweetie, I’m gonna need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, ok?

I showed this kid a pic of my dog and his idiot self said, "Your dog is so ugly he hurts my eyeballs." So I naturally said, "Yeah your mom hurts my eyeballs too."

One time there was this kid who bullied me verbally and followed me around riling me up so he said something and I replied with get outta my life you ugly brontosaurus. That episode ended up with me whacking him with a stick on the back and now he’s scared of me I think

This is when I was ADDICTED to basketball, and I was like 7-9.
Me and some of my best friends were doing something, then the rest is history but I remember saying:
"Your hairline goes so back they had to call it a back a back court violation"

i once told a friend (which ended our friendship btw) were you born on a highway cause thats where most accidents happen.

(insert roast here)