Hey Pandas, What Was The Strangest, Funniest, Or Worst Critique You've Received On A Performance Evaluation At Work? (Closed)

My 2 favourites from 2 separate annual reviews (at 2 different companies):

'Your ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and somehow get away with it are second to none.' I got 4/5 for that review.

'How is that we never see you doing anything, yet the stats show you do the most work?' I got 8/10 for that one.

My favorite was when I worked at a call center.....I was told that I sound too sexy and it's not professional 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.....I literally picked up the phone and say thank you for calling (company) how can I assist you today...

I am a university and high school teacher, teaching social studies and history. We get reviewed by our students each term, and one of the questions (that has been discarded since) was "Would you recommend this teacher to a friend?"

The weirdest answer to this was: "I would not recommend. If you do not like to think, do not sign up to Mr. X classes."
To this day, I am strangely proud of it.

A friend once described a cake I made as 'totally... edible'.

On an instructor evaluation at the end of a product training class: "His voice is so calm and reassuring. If the world is going to end, I hope they let him announce it."

"You have a rather miserable looking face. Not on purpose, it's just the way your face is."

on a scale of one to ten...no.

I design cross-stitch patterns. They come printed on A4 paper in a business envelope. A customer gave me one star (out of five) on Etsy because "the pattern was folded".

Has no poker face. When [Agamemnon] disagrees with what I'm saying, they look at me with cold shark eyes.

Not so much a performance evaluation, as my douchenozzle of an old boss would basically criticize/chastise me for even the slightest thing I did wrong (or would criticize me for doing the right thing, but not the way he wanted).

But the worst one I remember was when he questioned my hygiene or if I even shower... despite being all over the shop, handling all the heavy lifting, garbage runs outside (in 30 degrees Celsius heat that day), cleaning, receiving multiple shipments, building display merchandise, and basically being asked to do three things at once, and getting two more things added on once I finish one.

Needless to say, I did not shed a tear, or lose a wink of sleep when that place went out of business.

Twice. First was for poor attitude and performance, I pointed out that I was the only one qualified for the work and maybe consider I am training two others to do the job. Sent a complaint to the ombudsman and writhing a few days had a new performance review with ‘he is an outstanding employee and strives to help others achieve his level of excellence.
Second was for zero work done although my time sheets showed otherwise. Boss researched and they had given another employee in another city the same employee code number as I had and he was being rewarded each month for doing twice the work of anyone in his office. Of course his boss did no research as to why his time sheet vs work performed was so different.

You're done... need a water bottle? (Hello? Good job? Great? ANYTHING? Though very thoughtful with the water bottle...........?)

You simply provide too much information in your email to staff.

I got a mediocre score with the comment that I was very efficient and my output was far above expectations, but since the whole team was underperforming, she couldn't give me full marks.

Like what the fricking hell? Lady, it is your job to manage the team and if the team doesn't perform as desired, taking points from the only person doing her job as required for you not doing your job is definitely not the right was to motivate the rest of the team to raise their output.

I was already job hunting at that point.

I later found out that she gave my colleagues high scores for 'trying their best' to motivate them to 'keep improving' by making sure they'd get their bonus.

Like wtf?

I have to mention: the boss and me were the only females, all other staff was male. Sometimes other women are indeed your worst enemy if you try to get forward. They're often pick me girls who try to impress the male colleagues for whatever reason. Be very careful with career women in mostly male environments. They're often resentful and don't treat other women fairly.

I nowadays always look for a significant number of women already in the company and wouldn't work for a team that has only the token woman they have to for diversity rules.

You simply provide too much information in your email to staff.

possibly an urban legend; but I once heard of a military officer's evaluation report that supposedly read... "There is no national emergency, present or future, that justifies keeping this officer in uniform"

I recieved a negative evaluation from a student who was upset that he was forced to improve his writing skills in my class, in addition to learning about the subject matter.

Everyone has had those performance evaluations where you listen to your boss and internally go 'wtf?' Sometimes it's very strange advice
https://garmentsindustryctg.blogspot.com/

When I was given the responsibility of handling the auto-ship program for a family run business. They way they trained me was set up for errors to be made (looking at the excel spreadsheet on the computer while creating orders and having to cut/paste their credit card information, all while being at the top of the phone call answering queue). It was a recipe for disaster. I simply printed out the excel spreadsheet so I can follow along with a ruler and cross off the lines as I created the orders. Easy to see where I was when being interrupted by phone calls. One day, I ran in to ask the owner a question and she saw the printed spreadsheet in my hand and BLEW A GASKET!! Literally freaking out and screaming at me! She threatened to throw out all the work I'd done in the previous 4 hours, saying it was all messed up (no, no it wasn't). After telling her to trust me, she had to go home because she was so upset. Everything continued to go great (because I'd already been doing it that way for a few months, she just didn't know about it). When I gave my notice, I had to teach the officer manager how I did it. The boss was an ego-maniac and I was so glad to get out of that company.