Invasive in-laws are nothing new; many a woman might tell you that her MIL is just a little bit too involved in her son's life. In fact, 60% of women say that their relationship with their mother-in-law causes them unhappiness.
But this woman had previous experience of her MIL making it all about her. So, when she found out that she was pregnant, she chose to keep it a secret both from her husband and his mother. Knowing that this is far from ideal, the woman decided to seek some advice online.
A woman decided to hide her pregnancy from her husband in fear of his mother hijacking all the happiness
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She asked people whether not telling her husband about the baby was a jerk move
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Image credits: Helena Lopes (not the actual photo)
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Experts call family relationships lacking boundaries "enmeshed relationships."
A pregnancy can be great news for a young couple who are looking to start a family. But, for this woman, it became the very thing that might threaten her marriage. Many people in the comments pointed out that such a relationship between the mother and the son is probably not healthy.
People took issue with the husband's seeming tendency to consistently prioritize his mother's feelings over his wife's. "So your husband went off to comfort his mother outside while you were crying over your miscarriage," one Redditor wrote. "Seems like he will always have his priority be his mom."
Cases where adult children are in dysfunctional relationships with their parents are often referred to as enmeshed relationships. Mother-son enmeshment, in particular, is a term used to describe relationships between adult sons and mothers in which boundaries are blurry.
Enmeshed family relationships are those in which family members become codependent. "Family members who are enmeshed often do not respect boundaries and expect to have a vote on family members' decisions," Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker, explains. "They can expect to dictate their adult children's career, parenting decisions, romantic relationships, or social media posts."
Mother-son enmeshment usually happens because of the mom's unmet needs, anxiety, or the son's difficulty with independence. Kristie Plantinga, MA, writes that this isn't anybody's fault. "It's a dynamic that develops over time," she claims. With time and effort, individuals can create healthier boundaries and a more balanced relationship.
Mothers and sons can have a close relationship without enmeshment
Image credits: Jep Gambardella (not the actual photo)
Plantinga also elaborates on what people often mistake for mother-son enmeshment. According to her, talking often and spending a lot of time together don't necessarily mean a mother and an adult son are in a dysfunctional relationship. "Open communication and shared activities are important in any healthy relationship," she writes.
The same goes for supporting one another and having each other's back. According to Plantinga, it's okay as long as it's not one-sided and controlling. Deep emotional connection also doesn't always equal enmeshment. A mother and her adult son can have a close relationship as each individual is able to regulate their emotions without the other's input.
Lending a helping hand is also normal in healthy family relationships. "Occasional assistance strengthens family bonds," according to Plantinga. Generally, both individuals should have their separate interests and lives and be able to make decisions without the other.
Moving away from an enmeshed relationship can be a hard and long process. First, it's important to recognize the problem. Many adult children in enmeshed relationships don't realize they're in one. It's important to do some self-reflection and recognize your behavioral patterns.
Then, it's time to set some boundaries. "The boundaries should allow for time apart and time to express what [you] both need," Debra Roberts, LCSW, says. In most cases, there is pushback from the parent, so experts advise going little by little, increasing time apart in small increments.
It's always good to have a mediator present when this conversation happens, a mental health professional, preferably. In extreme cases, when the other individual doesn't want to change, experts even recommend ending the relationship.
People didn't think she was a bad person, but urged her to take some serious action
