Every December, neatly wrapped gifts are quietly kept under the tree, tiny jewelry boxes are tucked away in Christmas socks, and shopping bags sit waiting to be opened.
These presents, for many couples, become less about the gift and more about what it says about their relationship.
While many of us romantically say, “it’s the thought that counts,” most of us know that’s only true when there actually is some thought involved.
For some couples, there could be silent messages hidden inside Christmas presents
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Christmas presents can become emotional litmus tests in relationships, carrying clues about the emotional investment, effort, and the state of the relationship itself.
“Holiday gifts, for some, carry symbolic weight; They are seen as something so personal, special, something that is an investment (whether it be time or monetary value) that a person uses to showcase their love or admiration to another,” Alyssa Mairanz, owner and licensed clinician from Empower Your Mind Therapy, told Bored Panda.
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“Because it's an occasion that comes up just once a year, it becomes a moment to show your love - that you are listening and understand their interests, desires and put some deep thought and effort into buying the gift,” she added.
Christmas is a time when people generously open up their hearts and wallets, with American consumers spending an average of $902 on gifts and holiday items each Christmas, according to data from the National Retail Federation (NRF).
But that kind of spending puts pressure on what a gift should mean. Moreover, for the receiver, a gift could be enough to feel overlooked, unappreciated, or hurt.
Some gifts end up feeling thoughtless, last-minute or simply disappointing
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In a survey of nearly 1,000 Americans conducted last year by DatingNews, 1 in 3 (37%) respondents said they feel gift-giving puts too much pressure on romantic relationships.
2 in 3 respondents said gift-giving reflects their feelings for their partner, and 65% think a present reflects how their partner feels about them.
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Furthermore, 44% of the respondents reported being disappointed by a holiday gift from their significant other, with women (54%) experiencing disappointment more frequently than men (30%).
Not every disappointing present is automatically a red flag, even if it’s something last-minute, impersonal, or overly practical.
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Alyssa clarified, “context is key” with every situation.
“For instance, when it comes to gifting something overy-practical, perhaps there was still quite a bit of thought and love that went into the gift and it was coming from a loving place,” she said.
“Such as a nice item for the kitchen in the new home you just purchased together and they know you love to cook.”
Expensive, flashy gifts aren’t always a sign of love and effort
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On the other hand, when gifts feel rushed, impersonal, or as if zero effort was put into it, it may hint at something deeper.
“With last-minute or impersonal gifts, this can sometimes be caused by stress, avoidance, lack of or gaps in communication and mismatched expectations in the relationship,” the expert therapist said.
For a lot of people, gifts like shiny jewelry, luxury gadgets, or grand surprises are signs of love. But some experts believe these presents are distraction tactics.
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An expensive gift is a cause for concern when it’s meant to push aside the conflict rather than actually repair it.
If a partner uses a flashy present like a “reset” button, instead of addressing the real problem, then it’s not romance. It’s avoidance rapped up in a ribbon.
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“An expensive gift can signal trouble when it’s meant to compensate for unresolved conflict,” Ciara Bogdanovic, founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy, told Bored Panda.
“Instead of engaging in communication, repair, or accountability, the gift is offered as a way to smooth things over without addressing the underlying issue,” she added.
Meaningful gifts come from listening, effort, and healthy communication
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On the flip side, gift-giving in relationships can be a beautiful reminder of love, care and attention.
Healthy gifting could be a signal of genuine emotional investment and healthy communication for happy couples, especially when they put some emotional effort behind it.
“Asking someone about their preferences before the gift shows thoughtfulness and care,” Ciara said.
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“Noticing and remembering the things they talk about or point out over time reflects genuine listening and emotional attunement,” she went on to say.
“These behaviors signal that the gift is informed by attention and communication, which are healthy behaviors in a relationship.”
It is also important to understand that not all disappointing gifts come from a place of malice or neglect. Sometimes expectations simply don’t align.
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If opening up a present leads to the sting of disappointment, Alyssa suggested pausing to understand your feelings before reacting.
“It's important to first take some time with your emotions. Why are you hurt or disappointed? Was it caused by a misunderstanding or another context? Is it about the actual gift or the meaning behind it?” she said.
“Explore your emotions around it before approaching the subject,” she added.
It’s possible to have a healthy conversation about a hurtful or disappointing gift
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After giving yourself space to process the disappointment, how you choose to talk about it can make all the difference in whether the moment turns into conflict or makes way for a stronger connection.
“Try not to be accusatory, but keep it more conversational and focused on ‘I’ statements to highlight how it made you feel and why,” Alyssa said.
“You can also express gratitude for the gift or thoughts, while also being honest and open about your emotions,” she added. “That can be extremely difficult to do, but is an important part of a healthy relationship.”